red as a newborn, white as a corpse
Okay, my name is RoseAnna. Yes, RoseAnna. One word. Not two. Capital A. Thanks. I do have a middle name that's not Anna. Just so you know. Most people call me Roz or Zanna. I am an 18 year old kid living in one rather small town. I would love to live in the city, a place like Kansas City or Philadelphia, but in all reality I don't think I could survive out there. I'm used to the small town kind of life. Everybody pretty much knows everybody else and as much as I hate that, I suppose it brings me a sense of security. I called myself a kid earlier. Maybe because I still am a kid. I'm not quite ready to get out and have a full time job and live on my own, etc. In June I am going to move out of my house, and yes, go to the city. Well, our city by us. In Wichita. I want to live in a cute little apartment by myself with a balcony and a window in my bedroom. I want to go to college so I can go to my home and study and stay up late and walk around in my underwear if I so choose. I can play my loud music and sleep on my couch in the middle of the afternoon. I want to make tea and drink it sometimes even though I hate tea. Before I die I want to go to England. I don't know why. For some reason I have this attraction to the place. I think it would be a neat little place to visit. Yea. I'm obsessed with sex. I'm still a virgin and yet I am fucking obsessed. I don't like to watch pornos. I tried to last night but I got grossed out. I just think that when I'm with the right person, we're going to have a ... healthy sexual relationship. I like to have my hands held. It makes me smile. I want to be like those couples who never seem to let go of the other persons hand. Too much public affection freaks me out. But kissing doesn't bother me much. Just the whole OMG I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU RIGHT NOW IN TACO BELL. Yea. Get a room. I love to travel. I haven't been to very many places. But I love the idea of being able to just drive wherever my heart tells me to go at that point and time. Road trips are always fun and they will play a big part in the next few years of my life. Though taking a bus, Greyhound maybe, could be a little better because I would be able to take pictures of all the scenery and stuff. You always meet new people on buses and trains anyways. But trains make me sick. Nauseous actually. I am in love with a boy named Dave. Is it real love? I think it is.
"I fell in love with a boy. i really think we were meant to be. im not just saying that because he has got gorgeous eyes, and a laugh that makes me melt. im saying that because no matter what has happened to us thus far, i still feel the same way for him as i did last summer when i realized i loved him. i don't even know what to do. i need to spend some days with kyla. she could help me with everything. i tried to move on you know. i did. that's what was doing with damon. but i still thought about dave. i still think about dave. no matter where im at, what im doing, or who im with, im thinking about dave. please slap some sense into me because this is tearing me apart inside. i want to be with him so badly. just thinking about it makes me cry. so i try not to think about it, but at nighttime, when im by myself, his voice floods my mind and i can't sleep until i've cried to myself over a boy. a fucking boy. i despise the male species, and yet, my whole entire heart belongs to one of them. im fucked."
An excerpt from one of my other journals. I'd like to think it's love. But now that he's not around anymore I find myself looking for other boys. For one, Scott. Yea, Scott and I are like..internet style. He lives in Kansas City, we've been talking for over two years now. He's funny and smart. He's cute and has these blue eyes that are just...I'd like to get lost in them. I love his personality. I'm not saying that I love him, because I don't. I just love who he is. The way he acts, the way he talks. He's so much fun, and he's honest. He's totally into cars and doesn't get irritated when I'm like wtf are you talking about? We talked on the phone last night after like a month of non-talk. And it was fun. We just talked. His friend died on x-mas eve and ever since then they've been having party after party in his memory. We talked some while he was sort-of sober and he said it hurts a lot not having him around anymore. Anyways, we promise to talk a lot more now that it was break and we would make time to talk no matter what. Promised.Man.
Another boy, David, we're just good friends. I'm going to Pheonix to see him in March. His mom is scary. She doesn't like me much. She doesn't even know me, but yea. He does drugs. That scares me. But I'm not hanging with him for a relationship, just for friendship.
I'd like to think that everything I feel right now for certain people, I'll feel that way next new year. But I don't know if I will. I don't know where I'll be at. Who I'll be with. Or even if I'm going to be with anybody. I would love so much to be in a real relationship right now. I want somebody to be just a phone call away. Somebody who wants to be with me. Who wants to hold my hand. Somebody who thinks cheesy thoughts like I do. I want somebody to teach me to play pool. Someone who doesn't make me feel stupid or give me looks like "man you're fucking nuts" I know I'm fucking nuts, so suck yourself.
im getting my membership to the wellness center today i think. hopefully.
"I fell in love with a boy. i really think we were meant to be. im not just saying that because he has got gorgeous eyes, and a laugh that makes me melt. im saying that because no matter what has happened to us thus far, i still feel the same way for him as i did last summer when i realized i loved him. i don't even know what to do. i need to spend some days with kyla. she could help me with everything. i tried to move on you know. i did. that's what was doing with damon. but i still thought about dave. i still think about dave. no matter where im at, what im doing, or who im with, im thinking about dave. please slap some sense into me because this is tearing me apart inside. i want to be with him so badly. just thinking about it makes me cry. so i try not to think about it, but at nighttime, when im by myself, his voice floods my mind and i can't sleep until i've cried to myself over a boy. a fucking boy. i despise the male species, and yet, my whole entire heart belongs to one of them. im fucked."
An excerpt from one of my other journals. I'd like to think it's love. But now that he's not around anymore I find myself looking for other boys. For one, Scott. Yea, Scott and I are like..internet style. He lives in Kansas City, we've been talking for over two years now. He's funny and smart. He's cute and has these blue eyes that are just...I'd like to get lost in them. I love his personality. I'm not saying that I love him, because I don't. I just love who he is. The way he acts, the way he talks. He's so much fun, and he's honest. He's totally into cars and doesn't get irritated when I'm like wtf are you talking about? We talked on the phone last night after like a month of non-talk. And it was fun. We just talked. His friend died on x-mas eve and ever since then they've been having party after party in his memory. We talked some while he was sort-of sober and he said it hurts a lot not having him around anymore. Anyways, we promise to talk a lot more now that it was break and we would make time to talk no matter what. Promised.Man.
Another boy, David, we're just good friends. I'm going to Pheonix to see him in March. His mom is scary. She doesn't like me much. She doesn't even know me, but yea. He does drugs. That scares me. But I'm not hanging with him for a relationship, just for friendship.
I'd like to think that everything I feel right now for certain people, I'll feel that way next new year. But I don't know if I will. I don't know where I'll be at. Who I'll be with. Or even if I'm going to be with anybody. I would love so much to be in a real relationship right now. I want somebody to be just a phone call away. Somebody who wants to be with me. Who wants to hold my hand. Somebody who thinks cheesy thoughts like I do. I want somebody to teach me to play pool. Someone who doesn't make me feel stupid or give me looks like "man you're fucking nuts" I know I'm fucking nuts, so suck yourself.
im getting my membership to the wellness center today i think. hopefully.