(no subject)
Ehh, I just feel dull...I am kind of mad and angry with myself right now. It is like there are two sides of me. A logical side and a illogical side. The illogical side always takes over the logical one but in the end, the logical one wins. In that period where the illogical side takes over, I have major problems. I hate it when that happens. I'm messed up and that's all I have to say about that. I'm going away for four days and when I come back I want to feel better. I don't think that's going to happen but that's what I want to happen. This whole big thing that is happening with me right now is just annoying. When I try to tell my family they either a.) yell and get angry ...or b.) think I am crazy. When I try to tell my friends I either can't get the words out, or get them out wrong and then they think that I have totally gone off the wall and call me crazy. This year so far has just been one big drama of a hell hole. That explains it right there. I wish I was still in last year and could stay there forever. The thing is, when I was actually in it, I didn't appriciate it at all, I just wanted to get out of it. It took me until summer to realize that I had something special and was given a lot of good opportunites that I took for granted. So does this mean that next year is going to be even worse than this year? If that happened I don't know what I would do because as it is, if I get one more ounce of stress dropped onto me I am going to completly lose it. I am hanging on by a string and I don't want it to snap because it won't be pretty. Then, on top of the stress I have other issues that I think I can't even deal with but I am and also already did. I am managing to deal with cheering,(which sounds stupid but it really does freak me out sometimes), my family (if you've met them, then you can begin to develop some sort of twisted understanding of what it is like living with them and not even so much my mom and dad, because they rock, but the rest of THEM), my friends ( which I have to say have been going through some really tough things physically and mentally and if I can say this without trying to sound conceited: I think I'm doing a damn good job of being there for them), and finally my "thing" that I don't call a problem anymore. This is a lot to handle when your not used to it and to top it all off, I am not mentally fit to do it because I go into "over worry" mode and never get out until it's over with, but I do it anyway; and day by day learn a little more. Soon enough, that's all I will have to do is take that knowledge and actually use it. This could be a problem.
Always,
Jess
Always,
Jess