(no subject)
I feel like I'm emptying out when I'm already empty. I asked God for faith today, because I feel like that's the only thing that's going to keep me hanging on. I admit that I'm ashamed that I don't have a strong faith. I know that people should have beliefs, but I don't know about religion anymore. Maybe I need guidelines and restrictions and policies, but I embrace freedom and my stubborness even more.
I think I believe in God, but sometimes I'm not so sure. Maybe it's the fear of being outcasted from everyone and becoming "Athiest" that's keeping me from subjecting to my fear. Why should I be afraid of Him not existing, when I presumedly "believe" he does? Shouldn't belief be unquestionable and without a doubt? I don't know anymore. In some Catholic churches questioning your faith is a sin. In that case.. forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, and I can't even remember when my last confession was.
When I do go through my phases of strong faith and "THERE IS A GOD AND HE DID SO MUCH FOR ME AND I'M SO SELFISH AND UNWORTHY AND LEMME GO READ THE BIBLE.." I'm silent about it, which is kinda ironic because I'm not shy of declaring my disposition towards religion. I feel like when I have a strong faith, it should be kept private, because it's so personal, not something that should be boasted about. And honestly, I'm not one to brag, because I'm not a great Christian and my faith falters constantly. I don't know how people can go around saying how much they love God, sometimes it gets me agitated because it seems like they only say it to join the masses. YOU LOVE GOD, SO WHAT, it's nothing to brag about. It seems like it's just another technique used to fit in and to prove to oneself that they're normal since the majority of people in America is Christian or monotheistic. It's just as hard for me to say I love God openly than it is for me to say I don't believe in him openly. I don't know why that is. Maybe it has to do with my need to fit in, yet not get loss with everyone else and still have a sense of who I am. Declaring those things seems like a contract, something you can't take back. I find that scary.
I'm still not into religion. They're just all too different. What if they're all wrong? or, what if they're all right? People's sense of realities tend to differentiate, but to them it's still the truth, because maybe reality is something one creates for oneself. What if it's the same with religion? something created to be the "truth" and ultimately they all are? It's confusing and I hate having to explain myself when it comes to this topic.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I'm not downing anyone's beliefs, just trying to figure out my own.
I think I believe in God, but sometimes I'm not so sure. Maybe it's the fear of being outcasted from everyone and becoming "Athiest" that's keeping me from subjecting to my fear. Why should I be afraid of Him not existing, when I presumedly "believe" he does? Shouldn't belief be unquestionable and without a doubt? I don't know anymore. In some Catholic churches questioning your faith is a sin. In that case.. forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, and I can't even remember when my last confession was.
When I do go through my phases of strong faith and "THERE IS A GOD AND HE DID SO MUCH FOR ME AND I'M SO SELFISH AND UNWORTHY AND LEMME GO READ THE BIBLE.." I'm silent about it, which is kinda ironic because I'm not shy of declaring my disposition towards religion. I feel like when I have a strong faith, it should be kept private, because it's so personal, not something that should be boasted about. And honestly, I'm not one to brag, because I'm not a great Christian and my faith falters constantly. I don't know how people can go around saying how much they love God, sometimes it gets me agitated because it seems like they only say it to join the masses. YOU LOVE GOD, SO WHAT, it's nothing to brag about. It seems like it's just another technique used to fit in and to prove to oneself that they're normal since the majority of people in America is Christian or monotheistic. It's just as hard for me to say I love God openly than it is for me to say I don't believe in him openly. I don't know why that is. Maybe it has to do with my need to fit in, yet not get loss with everyone else and still have a sense of who I am. Declaring those things seems like a contract, something you can't take back. I find that scary.
I'm still not into religion. They're just all too different. What if they're all wrong? or, what if they're all right? People's sense of realities tend to differentiate, but to them it's still the truth, because maybe reality is something one creates for oneself. What if it's the same with religion? something created to be the "truth" and ultimately they all are? It's confusing and I hate having to explain myself when it comes to this topic.
I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I'm not downing anyone's beliefs, just trying to figure out my own.