a letter i wrote to my friend
Dear Amanda,
Lets see here what has happened since you graduated in June 2004. Now mine you this is my third time writing this thing…. That is why it has taken so long and you are getting every single version of it so… yep this is the most current version.
I got into a car accident outside the Suncoast after watching the movie saved! I got to go to girl’s camp a few days later with whiplash, a concussion and my still injured knees. That was a very pleasant experience to say the least. Not being right with god and going to a church camp is torture (it doesn’t help that I was being kept away for a whole whopping week from Justin) I got to go home a day early from camp because I believe my knee had dislocated two or three times in a five day period I was up there. I got home and ran to the phone to call Justin. After my second time calling on my way to Reno I found out that he had move to San Francisco with out telling me or saying goodbye. I was hurt that he didn’t say goodbye and the fact that to us it was over. Time line of the relationship *6 months.
July- I was hanging out with a mutual of Justin and I’s before work. He offered me breakfast and such, he was my friend and I didn’t mind hanging out with him though he was 36 at the time. we headed over to his apartment after breakfast I don’t know why, but I wished I wouldn’t have gone. He gave me fruit punch and it tasted really weird but I just figured it was the punch. (Evidently he had poured about half the bottle of very cheap vodka inn my drink it was only the second time in my life I had had alcohol in my system) I got knocked out hard on my butt. I vagley remember looking up at the ceiling and seeing a walrus in the stuccos as he was eagerly taking off my cloths. This person I trusted and considered my friend raped me. Thankfully it took me a while to actually remember; evidently my body was shocked and repressed it. Don’t get raped, it sucks. I didn’t think that anything had happened because he was so small it didn’t feel like I had had sex. I had asked him if anything had happened, he denied it. Justin didn’t believe me when I told him until the day he licked my ear the way Julian did and I curled up into a ball and cried hysterically. Back to Justin. While he was in California he ran back to Margo. Margo’s the girl he dated before me and had cheated on me while I was at my grandpa’s funeral. Well the instant he was back in California he ran back into her arms. (And I stayed with that guy for so long because?) well the end of the summer rolled around and me and the hippie had gotten back together, done the long distance thing and he had moved back to Vegas, and the shocker: into my house! (My mother had let him move into the house so that he could continue going to Cheyenne) that was by far the stupidest thing my mother could have ever done! Two teenagers, dating teenagers living under the same roof! Home alone from 1:40 to 4 almost 5 everyday… pure ignorance on my mothers side I must admit. Even on Halloween he and I had sex on Jessica wright’s sofa in the middle of her horrible party during a movie with her friend upstairs and her on the floor in front of us! I thought that she didn’t know what we were doing! Later I found out that she knew the whole time she just wanted to watch! Sick and twisted female! Well that living situation lasted all of three months… maybe. One day he yelled at my brother and almost got into a fight with him. He walked from my home (Ann and Jones) to target greatland (where his apartment was at 215 and skypoint drive, think by centennial wal-mart area) I still stuck by him.
One night I was home Alone (Saturday night) I left a note so my mom knew where I was and went to his apartment. (I have a thing about being home alone for long periods of time, it freaks me out, I don’t like it . 2 hours I don’t mind, any longer than that, I start getting antsy) so I spent the night. The next morning I went with his family normal type things. I was planning on going home soon. Well come to find out that my mom had called metro and reported me as a missing person. Yeah I know! She knew where I was! All she would have to do is call his cell phone but no she calls metro “she’s missing!” yeah that caused major drama in my family life for a while! Christmas rolled around and my family left me and went to Reno. I felt the love. I stayed with Justin because he lived with in walking distance of target where I worked. But I now know why people commit suicide around the holiday season. I was left home alone on Christmas Eve. I just sat in a chair and just cried hysterically wanting to see anyone that remotely cared a smidge about me.
Our one year went by smoothly (I got absolutely nothing other than … nothing) at this time I was messing around with Brandon Goldstein in the middle of foods and nutrition. It was an interesting hour for me. I would get him hard, pull out his dick and play with it in the middle of class. (Justin hasn’t a clue of any of this to this day!) I believe that we eh had an interesting night at lone mountain park to say the least (no I didn’t have sex with him and no its not a whore moment) well the next week he was… he handed me a water bottle full of this clear water like liquid but it swished way too slow to be water. Bottoms up! I think it was coconut rum? I’m not sure but it was good and something you are supposed to drink in shots was being chugged like it was water. Being drunk at school is fun! Justin used it as an excuse to break up with me. I cried so hard my tear ducts hurt. He was looking for an excuse to tell you the truth. The real reason why he dumped me was to go out with destine! Yes the small twin! I know! He asked her out less than a week later! It made me so mad! I still tried to be his friend, still tried to be corjal. I dated the kid for a year; I was still going to try to be his friend and such, til the day when he made me so mad I just stopped. I stopped talking to him, I stopped trying. 10:30 that night rolled around, I got the saddest puppy dog email ever:
I started going out with destinee today. adn i guess that its the fact that i didnt talk to you at all today and i barely saw you. but i just cant stop thinking about how much i fucked everything up between us and how much i finally miss you and im almost in tears right now and im sorry i wish i hadnt said some of the things that i had. ive had some of the best times in my life with you. no i HAVE had the best times of my life with you. im sooooooooo sorry for some of the things that i have said to you in the past couple of weeks and i know we cant go back now, i wish so much that we could but after everything that has happened i would lose all of my friends if things went back to the way that they were. i mean i just cant stop thinking about how much i miss your hugs and kisses i miss seeing you after first. i wish i could make everything alright but i know that i doubt you would let me. ive started sleeping with 3 pillows now and i only have 2 under my head. i cuddle with the
last one. i just miss having you in my arms. i miss the nights that we spent the night together i miss everything we had. i know this is a little late. I wish it wasnt.
i MISS you and i hope you miss me too,
i wanna be Big again...
Justin
P.S. i just typed that non-stop and now my hands hurt
im gonna go try to sleep without crying meet me after
first i miss you!!!!!!
And what do I do? I was free, single for the first time in a year,I thought that I was slowly getting over him (it took me nearly amonth but I actually started to get over him) what did I do? I called him. I talked to him, I met him the next day and the evil cycle continued. He cheated on his current girlfriend with the onehe had previously had. It took him a few days to break up with destine and officially get back together with me. A sign? I didn’t see it. Now that I look back I cant believe how stupid I really was. Back then.
Time passed and I was looking forward to prom. Then about two weeks before prom I went to another doctors appointment when it was pounced on me “you will have knee surgery 2 days after prom!” I’m sorry but you need much more time than two weeks to wrap your mind around something like that. So I blocked it out of my mind and continued onto prom. I love my dress. It was long, all white, with beautiful embroidering and beading. It had a corset top that laced up the front! It’s the same as my friends but her top had black. I got congradualted on my wedding eight different times that night while at dinner. The one good thing I got out of that night was hugo. Justin got him for me at wal-mart I believe. We doubled with Daniel hall (I hate him so much!) and kaytee. He still owes me $100 for the dinner. Awesome isn’t it? I wanted to stay longer than the 20 minutes that we did but the boys got antsyand wanted to leave. I wanted to stay but eh what can you do? Well two days after prom I went into the doctors office to get myself sliced open. The iv hurt and after they put me under I woke up… kind of. I was awakened to about a dozen people surrounding me, alarms ringing in my ears. Well evidently I didn’t do too well with the drugs they used to put me under. I kept getting shots and alarms ringing in my ears. I looked over and realized why all the people were around me. My heart rate was 170, that’s bad! That’s what a babyheart rate should be and my blood oxygen level was about 70. everything was hectic around me. Everytime my blood oxygen level went below 90 alarms went off. So after about an hour all but one person left me and he was a mean nurse! They had a mask on me to help with the oxygen (evidently I would stop breathing or somehow my body forgot how to oxygenate my blood fun!)and the heart monitors (which they were on my boobs, I wonder who had the pleasure putting those on? But what is the point of taking my bra and shirt off? I don’t know but some lucky soul out there has now seen and touched my boobs!) now at this point all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I was just tired but every time I tried I got yelled at (alarms went off) so there I layed for four hours after I got out of surgery with them trying to stabilize me. I got got out of there with my heart rate still around 140 but they figured that was ok. They couldn’t pump me with anymore drugs. But my one blessing is they gave me a nerve blockso I couldn’t feel my leg at all, but it still hurt if that makes any sense. On Friday I went in for my first ever physical therapy. I got a pleasant experience there I did! (the way I chose which knee I wanted to have surgery on was which one hurt worse that day! Sad I know!) so I crutched into physical thereapy (pt) and my therapist michelle was an angel! It didn’t hurt any that there was hot guys working there! So I got to see what my knee actua;lly looked like under the monster of a brace I had on. That is what I saw. One long stitch with a few scattered around it. They hadwrote yes on my knee before the surgery so they wouldn’t perform surgery on the wrong knee. The bruise on the front side of my leg got pretty! It looked a lot worse than that at times. But the bruise that took the cake was the back of my knee. The first time I saw that bruise I freaked out! Wouldn’t you? The fun thing is that that wasn’t the bruise got. Everywhere you see yellow it turned the same sickening black color, beautiful I know! but the best thing is that two years later I still have discoloration to the back of the knee , so lets set the scene: the pain killers I was on it took me almost three weeks to poo because lortab is a constapant. After surgery I wasn’t allowed to shower for two weeks! And once I was allowed to shower I had to sit in a chair and it hurt! I got greatful for showers! And I had to psyc myself up for two hours to hobble my way down to the bathroom… six days after my surgeryi showed back up to school. Crutches, brace, the whole nine yards. To this day I have no idea how I pulled it off. I kept a bottle of my lortab with a sandwich on me at all times for third periodbecause that was the time my lortab wore off and I needed another dose. I’m greatful that my teacher was understanding or else I wouldn’t have made it through the day. Well after a few days my therapist thought that I had developed a blood clot in my leg. That’s a great day I’ve got to tell you: a clot can kill you and because my leg was hurtingin this one spot they figured that’s what it was. Greatfully it wasn’t but it was a lovely scare to have! Two days before graduation I got my brace off! So I was able to actually walkacrossed that stageto get my diploma with out help! And I didn’t fall! That wasa great day! Highschool was actually over! And my whole family made it which was nice too! My daddy had been home from jailsince the beginning /end of January and it was nice to have him share that mile stone with me. I in rehab til june, the end of june almost july. I got to have one month off… so I went with my mom to reno to take my brother to wrestling camp. While there we went to tahoe and swam. Boy that water is cold even in in middle of summer. My brother and I swam and got into giant mud fights the whole day it was a blast! On the way back we stopped and ate dinner and I got the most perfect awesome lemon ever! I loved that lemon! I had it in my mouth from tahoe to vegas! Yes I’m weird! But it tased so good and it molded perfectly to my mouth! I love the picture that I took with it! Well augest third I went in for my next surgery. I knew what I was to expect. I knew I would have heart monitors on my boobs weeks after the fact and I would have the crook of my hip/leg/genital area hurt because of the nerve block they would give me. Well I went in (Justin actually went along with this one) got a local before my iv so my iv didn’t hurt. I went under, woke up to almost screaming alarms again and yet again more shots. The best part, they didn’t give me the nerve block. I woke up feeling everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING! I was crying for painkillers but they had already given me all they could give me. Alarms were going off because once again my blood wouldn’t oxygenate but my heart rate wasn’t going up this time, my heart rate kept dropping. 40’s 30’s that’s when they cut off giving me pain killers. So yet again another four hours trying to stabilize me after surgery. I went home and went to sleep with Justin next to me with my dad keeping vidgle on me, scared becausei was doing worse than I did on my last. They gave me bigger pain killers this time. I was throwing up and not a happy camper! My nerve block not being there was pure torchure! I went to rehab for the first time and when my bandages were taken off I understood whyi was hureting so much worse. I had bled throughmy bandages where the first time I didn’t. so they left my stitch in for another two days. After my first session (which I spentwith my head under a pillow because it hurt a lot) I went home and threw up all over the drive way. This surgery was a lot harder on me than the last.
Things that went wrong/sucked last time
- the stitch got stuck and broke while they were pulling it out.
- I threw up when I took a painkiller so I had to switch medication
- I was so allergic to the bandages they used I broke out into big red bumbs that itched like crazy
- Bruising was a lot worse! It looked like someone had taken a baseball batto my leg
- Swelling. Last time I didn’t swell other than my knee. This time around I swelled so bad! I lost all bone definition in my ancle. My sister triedto rub it out and painted my toes to make me feel better but as the pictures show it didn’t help any.
- I was all around more missrable
- I couldn’t look at anything written down for weeks with out it making me sick. Tv was fine but computer monitorsi could only look at for five minutes at a time before I got woozy
- The only thing I could eat was pb and strawberry jam. It took me a year and a half to be able to eat pb and j’s again
- Because the stitch breaking off on the insideof my knee when they were taking it out it was nearly a month before I got a real shower other than a kitty spit bath
The whole time i was in rehab Justin was getting ready for bootcamp. He left the week after I finished rehab. We broke up before he left because we both didn’t want to do a long distance thing. I felt like I had diedbut happy because I could fix my life with him gone. I had been trying to repent of everything I had screwed up so badly since the day after prom. So with him gone I wouldn’t be having sex with anyone, I would get fixed quickly! Well I got a letter from him in bootcamp. Then he called me. We turned into a long distance thing. He was depressed, homesick, I think he was sick even. But he found the missionarys while he was there. He went to church (for the first time in his life thanks to his mother) I thought that he was taking the steps to join my religion. I had told him a while ago that I would never marry him if he wasn’t mormon. Well with him making what I though was genuine stepsto joining my church I told him if he finished bootcamp I would marry him. Yes I used the most sacred establishment of marrage as a tool to bribe this guy to finish boot camp. Laugh. It was thestupidest thing I could haveever done. Well with his mom I bough a plane ticket and flew to san Antonio for his graduation. I was working grave yard at the time so it was a pleasant experience on my bodies clock. I got down there, wathed him graduate. We had a day pass off base so we went to a mall, the Alamo, and back to the hotel room before we went back on base. At the hotel we had all of a half hour alone time in which time I blew him and we set a date, December 30th whilehe was in vegas for Christmas break of sorts. The date as set on December 10th. And the crazyiest thing is I was able to pull together a wedding in that time! I was going to use my prom dress as my wedding dress, I got a hotel room in vegas for new years, not in a casino for under $200 for two nights, got a cake, a church, someone to do the wedding. I completely skipped the reception, invites, anything like that. I was thinking “this is just to make it official. The real wedding will happen when we get on our feet and have money for a huge wedding” * now let me diveate from this whole part for a second to help you understand the complex part. Do you remember cal? The guy that went to the haunted houses with us… micks brother? He was on top of the stairs a couple of times? Well I met him when I was nine and fell for him when we were sliding on the gym floor in our socks, I got it bad for him in the 9th grade hrough like ever. I actually dated him the summer jusstin was in California. He was always in my mind and in my heart* well I started to have little doubts pop into my head. “what about cal?” I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was going to call off the wedding because of all of the doubts I was having and I couldn’t get cal out of my heart. But somehow I pushed them out of my head and surpressed the felling. The day of my wedding I had worked the entre night before. I got home happy excited. I got my wedding cake (which was very sugar sweet) I got into the shower shaved washed my hair, got into my wedding underwear, blow dried my hair, had my flowers delivered then I got a call, from Justin, an hour and a half before the wedding. “we need to talk” my heart fell at that sound. Never in the history of ever has there been a good outcome of those words being uttered. His mom had been talking to him all night. He picked me up so he could better talk to me. He drove around his neighborhood talling me all the reasons his mom gave him not to marry me “and she was crying janell pleading with me not to marry you today,and I think shes right” one freaking hour!!! Sometimes god uses the devil to do his bidding. That phrase was the only thing I usedto keep me sain. He called off the wedding an hour before hand. I called my parents and told them to let them know and to call everyone and let them know it was cancled. While sitting there his mother came out and proceded to rip into me. The woman who had just caused a major trama in my life had the balls to come back out and rip into me make it seem like it was my fault. I wanted to murder her at that momen. I chewed on my tongue to not yell and attack her right then and there. I was in hysterics that whole day. We just drove around. Why didn’t I break up with him that day? I haven’t the slightest idea. I think I have a complex where I try to make a relationship work no matter what. So I was with him all devastated. Occasionally I would look up and just with tears in my eyes go “I’m supposed to be married right now” and break down again. I wasn’t a good day to say the least but I am so greatful that happened. I would be in florida with a person that I wasn’t ment to be with. The next day I didn’t see him. I went over to the bishops house and collapsed. I didn’t want to be left alone. I fell asleep over there and evidently I was crying in my sleep. I saw him later that night for new years eve. He brought his friend david. We saw chronicals of narnia. He was confused why I was pissy at him. But I was still with him. His friend had the balls to hit on me and try to grab me. I wanted to hurt him. That would be the last time I saw him until augest 06! But the thing was we were still together but the again we weren’t. we could dodthings with others but it was eh… It was a very complicated relationship. We called eachother and talked, but I was on nights and he was in tec training in Mississippi right after Katrina. So I think that leads the letter to what I like to call the dark time of my life. Come febuary I was antsy, sad, lonely, and despret to have a date. I got so bored with life that I had taken to when I got home from work I would do my hair and my makeup and take pictures. Along with that I would go through old year books and look up people on myspace. (I was bored and had nothing better to do) then I came across a guy I almost dated in my freshman year, josh Guerra. I sent him a message saying pretty much I bet you don’t remember me. He had gotten expelled about an inch from us going out. (he punched mr gyse in the face) well we stared talking again and he had a girlfriend. Well on my night off somehow we met up. Hung out for a blink of a second. Somehow I’m not sure how but we had sex. He used me, and I felt so dirty afterwards. He didn’t listen to me, he was rough and had such a huge penis, I screamed when he put it in too forcefully. He hurt me a lot. Because he was so forcefull he made me bleed. Well I felt sick with myself and went back into my hole of existence. I was still lonely and still felt stunted from the outside world. Around this time my brothers friend died dramatically. It was strange because we had him at dinner about a week before and he seemed fine. Well a few days after his dinner with us he blew off his head. Littereally. He took a shotgun to himself. Evidently he had gotten into a fight with his dad and then when his dad came back home he timed it so his dad walked into the door and he pulled the trigger. That was a sad day to say the least… I guess the moral of the storyis don’t fight with your kids then leave them alone in a house with a shotgun. I think that it was the first funeral for a lot of the highschool people. At that point got sick of my hair. As yousaw in my picture it was a behimith even when it was curled. Sometimes you just get so sick of your hair you just cut it off, and that’s what I did. Hair shouldn’t get as knotted as it did! Well in walks a red head into my life and I broke one of my very personal rules : don’t date perople you work with. I walked in one day and there was this quiet, shy, cute guy who just kinda caught my eye. Jason was his name . truth be told I don’t even remember his last name. it was not rememberable to keep it in my mind I guess. Well I worked with him for about a week. I talked to him, I forced him to talk to me. Littereally I would have annoyed me if I were doing it to me. But evidently he liked people forcing him out of his shell. At the end of a couple of weeks he asked me out on a date. 4/20 was the day. The only reason why I actually remember the date was because everybody get high day. I got ready after work , went and tried to watch scary moie four. Well after the horrible amount of tension that had been building for a very long while in the first oh half hour I leaned over and kissed him, a lot. I think we made out for the rest of the movie. I’m glad because the movie sounded dull and stupid. Well we went back to his place and I met sammy the dog. Cutestlittle thing ever. Actually the dog was extremely lax for attention because his owner worked two jobs and left him home alone for 16 hours a day and the rest were spent asleep. So keep that in mind, dog is nosy! So things kept going from the movie theater and we had our first try at sex. He covered me in sweat, got a limp dick (which his dick wasn’t much of a thing to admire anyways) and the dog kept trying to burstinto our business, sniff sniff! It was about 1 pm at that point was past my bed time. My face was irritated because he had this goat thing going on and it was so corse it rubbed my face raw! I was tired! So I went into his room and tried to sleep but I slowly realized this guy was klingy. He wouldn’t let me sleep. So by the end of the day after two failed attempts we finally accomplished sex. My face rubbed raw, my head throbbing from being up so late (my bedtime was 10am at the latest, it was 8 pm I hadn’t slept I had a migraine so I called into worki wasn’t in the mood for it plus I wasn’t into working a whole other 8 hour shift with no sleep. Well things went good and the days went on. About six days later I was online and I believe god had another direct hand in my life. I was doing something on the computerc when a wave washed over me and I knew it was god stearing me away from the path I was about to take. I got an overwhelming feeling that I was in love with cal. I know now it was god but at the moment it was so real I could almost touch it. I decided at that moment to push Jason away and wait for cal to come home. The next day Jason asked me out. I knew he was going to for some reason, so my heart sank and I wrote him this big long letter telling him I couldn’t because I loved someone else that I wasn’t going to see for another tn months. He looked like someone killed his kittens. Then to my surprise I got a response back of “give us a try” I told him no every day for two weeks. My friend came into town. I decided to hang out with her. Amber nealson was there. I know you know her. She had just had a baby with david her boyfriend from highschool. Why do girls who don’t wantto have a baby are able to have one but those who really want one aren’t about to have them? Well an old group that used to hang out with was there that night. It was nice to see them all again. Well after getting thrown in a pool fully dressed I got pulled into the managers office at work. I got interviewed for a position, a managers position over areas of the store that I hated. In my mind hba ment I harte you and guess what, I became manager over everything you cant eat or take as a pill with hba needing the most of my time. Carma I guess. This job made me very happy though I got away from even seeing Jason if I arranged it right. He got off work at 5:30 and my shift normally didn’t start until until 7! Yippie! One of the good things I got out of switching to days was I found a soul mate friend. Her name is Christine. She and I are similar, we wear the same shoe and pant size and like the same things. She is my sanity. Time trucked on. I think it was june 27th? I believe my day off and I randomly went into the dmv and got my drivers liecnece. Then my mom and I drove around to different car dealerships stopped at planet Nissan. I test drove around four different cars and I fell in love with a v6 hydia sonota. Well I signed my soul away and by 10:30 pm I was drving home my very first car. That day was a very interesting day. Well along comes july 4th . I had worked an annoying shift at work like always. Showered and had gotten into a mood so I got into my mini jean skirt and threw my black wife beater on, and a little make up. I looked hot, felt hot, the whole nine yards. I got a call from the dealership some kind of paperwork was done and they needed me to go pick it up. So I drove down to the dealership. While talking to the receptionist there was a guy behind the counter on his laptop on myspace. I started to give him a ahrd time. The guy was ten times hotter than Jason epling hot. He got my myspace address, gave me his number, and I went on my merry way. His name, avan saches, manager of web based sales at planet Nissan. He is still my friend on myspace. He is sooooo yummy!!! So i went to my sisters house for fireworks. Iwent over early because her dog had puppies and she was selling them and she wanted me to help her make a movie/ slideshow of them. Well her boyfriend had a roommate. Billy buely, yes another massive mistake of mine. I don’t even know how to say that somehow I had a one night stand with him. Clique “ it just happened” and I wanted to slit my wrists afterwards. I got depressed and err. Well avan and I saw each other a few times. He is wow. He can play the piano like its no bodysa business and he kisses like a god. Chisled abs… amazing. So my friend jake, I have known him since I was 14. he is 6’6 a monster of a man somehow I started to date him. (wow I’m starting to sound like a whore right now but there was a really big stretches of time inbetween the guys I swear!) so I had got attached to jake. This was more than once I had tried to have a relationship with him. We had bben dating for a couple of weeks, not like boyfriend and girlfriend but we were getting casually serious. Well one night at dinner he got a call from someone. He took me home strangely I was perplexed because we had planned to do more that night. Well like I had done a couple of times before I had gone to his work to look for him, I couldn’t find him which I found odd because he wasn’t supposed to be off for another half hour. I called him twice. The second time he answered the phone. I heard a giggle in the background. He then had to tell me. While dating me he had cheated on me and had gotten her pregnant. I guess it was because I wasn’t willing to put out that time. So I died.. I found my friend jeff who was in the same parking lot as me for some reason and I just cried I then got a slap in the facewhen he kind of just shoved in my face “love you just fall for all the wrong guys” well a few days later one of my regular calls from Justin, tec training will be done in one week and he was coming to vegas. At that moment I got the strongest feeling that I was to break up with him. I took the feeling and held it inside. (this was about the time when everything was piling ontop of itselfon me. Everything that had happened that I had that I had held inside. Cutting helped with the overwhelming feeling that I had been holding inside over the last few months. That picture was taken one long night by Christine. Feeling the razor slice my skin and having the blood trickle down my arm helped the feeling of being useless like all I was worth was being a piece of ass; to be used for their satisfaction then thrown aside in a crumpled heap on the floor. Every slice line, every drop spilt… its hard to explain it unless you have cut yourself, not for the reason to get attention, you will never understand it.the lines have now faded. Only I know they are there. Physical proof of the emotional torment that I went through. A light faded lines on my arm and leg to show my bloodied, beaten soul… so I knew when Justin came into town, when he lefti would break up with him. It had been since December that I had seen him. I had dated him for two and a half years at this point. I knew that I didn’t love him. But when you are with someone for that length of timeyou tend to get attached to them. I wanted to see him. He was my every first. My plan was to soak up every moment with him but break up with him when he left. I figured with my reasoning that I wanted my two years of pleasant hell to end on a high note. I cant really explain it other than that. So today is the day that Justin is to come into town, Saturday or something like that. He was supposed to make it in by six or something like that. I knew I wouldn’t get to see him the very second he got off the plane but I figured he would want to see the girlfriend of two years. Well around 8 I get acall, he decided that he was going to go to a strip club with destine and desiree.
Nail one in the coffin of the early demise of our relationship. Two hours and two lap dances later I got the call that he was on his way to see me. I had been ready for hours to begin with but now I was annoyed that
A: he had gone to a strip club with two females other than myself
B: that one of them he had broken up with me to mess around with her
C: that evidently I wasn’t the biggest priority in his life, that he wanted to see other people before he had seen me.
But never the less I still wanted to see him. So he rolled up to the house close to eleven and I hopped into his car. He pulled my face to his and gave me the movie kiss. A kiss that was supposed to be like making up for all the other kisses he hadn’t given me in the last few months.
Nail two- his stench of body odar was overpowering. You could feel the stick of sweat on his arm and taste the salt that had been trickling freely onto his lips and the nape of his neck. It made my stomach turnbut he didn’t feel like talking much, but he didn’t want to have sex, but just orgasm. Now that I think about it, it is rather strange… well every day that I saw him that he was here it felt like I was getting stabbed. He was to be here for two weeks I believe. I did have sex with himwhile he was here, more for spite to his mother than anything. The truth be told I had sex in her apartment while he was here just to hurt her even though she wouldnever know that it had happened. I didn’t want to see him. My heart was hurting constantly at that point and I didn’t want to go through with more thanthat than I hadto. So I went to my friends house because
A: he just got off his mission
B: my friend had come down from Idaho to see himand I wanted to see her more than him.
With my friend ann in tow we drove over to the friendshouse. I started to chat up with my friend from Idaho when the cell phone rang. Justin was on the other end. He wanted to see me and my heartsank. I told him I was already doing something. He got mad “janell I don’t think this is going to work anymo..” my heart started to soar. I cut him off I had been planning this moment for close to a month and no way in hell was he going to do what I wanted to do! “Justin! Justin! Wait! I’ve been planning on breaking up with you on the day you leave!” at this point I was smiling like I hadn’t done in a very long while. I was jumping up and down. People around me thought I was loosing it, somehow through my extreme happiness I was able to break up with him and he hung up on me. I was free… truly free for the frist timein two and a half years and the weight of the world was finally taken off my shoulders. It was the day before he was to leave when he finally called my again. He wanted to see me, talk to me. I agreed when I was done with what I was doing. Around nine at night I met him at the church by my house so we could talk. I told him about all the guys and we laughed about billy buely and how it happened. He now knew why I never talked on the phone and such for such lengths of time. Then somehow we has sex one last time in the back of my car. It was sweet and had a final feel to it. When we finished he hugged me and I started to cry. When we left I went into hysterics on the way back to my house. I had a first and an only expierence. I pulled the car over and threw up because I cried so hard. Deep gut wrentching pain swept over me knowing that I would never see him again but it was strange… I cried because the relationship was over, but I was yet again happy it was over too! I think Justin later told me the date was augest third when we broke up. I know… well time trugged on, I went to church stuff, work hung out with some friends normal things like that fun, predictable and at times boring but what can ya do? Then one nightat a a sigles activity my entire life changed. I was driving to a persons house where the activity was at from the church and I took a way that no body else was taking when I realized that someone was following me. I was driving crazy to see if they were going the same place as me or if they were a stocker. I got to the place we were going , got out of the car, turned to him and said “ you were following me!” the man who was looking back at me was my husband. Ryan bischoff the man I was ment to marry. I was a beast to him. He was wearing a lot of brown that night. He was wearing a brown hoodie that I would steal later and brown shirt… he looked good. I liked him. He was nice. I didn’t think much of it. Then the next week at the next activity(Monday) I turned around and started to talk to him again. I think this guy is cute and I would like to go on a date with him. I get his phone number (he is very very shy at this point. I don’t think he has ever had an encounter with another female) so I get his phone number and he gets mine. We are going to go to an activity at another friends house. We are in a back yard and they pick the three amigos to watch on the side of a building. I decided to sit and watch it with him because I had never seen the movie and I wanted to talk to this guy. Its brisk outside and my hand got cold. Somehow we held hands retarded like. But, it was something completely different. I got butterflys my stomach flipped it was amzing… from holding hands!!! I called him the next da and talked for about an hour and we set a date for movies and dinner. The day of the first date (Saturday) I had to work but I wasn’t really worried because ei got off at four and the date wasn’t until six. At work somebody got hurt so I had to go across town to get them to the doctor. On Saturday the only place that was open was just off the strip. It took six hours for everything to get done. I was so bored I downloaded tetris for my phone. I was getting worried because it was taking so long to finish I thought that I would be late. I got done with the doctors got back to work and had lost an hour in prep time that I thought that I was going to have. I got pretty and then ryan came to my door. He was standing there with a single rose with a ribbon tied around it. I had never gotten flowers from any body before ever. I was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. I shut the door in his face accidently to give my mom the flower to put in water. I realized what I did and opened it for him and introduced him to my mom. We went to dinner first at applebees and I was scared I was going to get something all over me or embarrass myself or other things like that. We went to the movie the illusionist. I was scared with him, nervous. It took me until half way through the movie before I was able to properly grab his hant. When the movie was over we didn’t want the date to end so we went down to the strip and walked around which is funny because we both don’t like the strip. Ok I am wearing a skirt and healed boots. I don’t wear heals ever and it was my first time wearing the boots. I almost died by the end of the night but it was completely worth it. I was exausted that night. I fell asleep on the drive home in his car. We didn’t ever kiss on the first date. It was weird but it was nice. I was estatic, I liked this boy a lot. At church the next day is what completely sold me on him. He came up sat next to me and proceeded to put his arm around me. He flipped though his scriptures with one hand. I was sold completely. I knew I was falling for this boy and I hadn’t even kissed him yet. It wasn’t until the next day that I kissed him. We were at another church thing and my friend took my car home (I trust her a lot and she lived around the corner from me so it wasn’t a problem) he took me to her house to pick up the car. There was so much tension in that car it wasn’t even funny. It took me three hours to build up the nerve to kiss him. We just kind of ralked about the most random things (cryptic grass that was going to attack everyone) I found out he hadn’t even kissed anyone so that put a lot of pressure on me. I never wanted to be anbodys frists and there I was sitting in a car with this guy where every inch of my body was screaming at me to kiss him. I knew he wasn’t going to do it. I leaned over and kissed him. I scared him half to death, he didn’t really even kiss back. Then I kissed him again and he kissed back then. It was amazing! My stomach jumped into my throat and my heart ran a million times in a minute. Perfect kiss. The next day we kissed for three hours straight. I guess we kind of over loaded on it, but all we did was kiss. No touching, grouping, nothing just sweet kissing , no tongue. (we really don’t ever use tongue now its just not us I guess) I knew I loved very very fast. I knew I loved him with in a week. It was kind of a bam thing. I got hit by a train ntensivy in love with ryan. Because I knew I loved him so soon and so amazingly dramatic I told him everything. I didn’t want this to get so far than than me be like oh I’m not a virgin and it be a done deal and he leave me. I told him how I was molested at five, nine and how I was raped at seventeen. He cried when I told him. I told him how I had lost it when I was in high school. I told him how my dad had been in jail. I told him how I felt like I was crazy and how I thought that u was spirling out of control for a while. He cried when I told him everything. He told me he already knew I wasn’t a virgin. He didn’t want to know everything so I didn’t tell him. To this day I believe he thinks its only been him and Justin. He doesn’t want to know, so I will never tell him. I think his reaction to telling him I was raped was a sealing deal for me. He cried when I told him. He couldn’t think of anything more hoorible happening to a person. Justin didn’t do anything, I don’t think believed me until the day I freaked out and cried on him. He started to ask me to marry him two weeks in. he would leave me a card with roses. The letter would leave scrabble letters in it. It was amazingly romantic. I loved it so much! So come October 21st we decided to go to the valley of fire for the day. I brought my Justin stuff to burn because I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. We went hiking around, ate lunch, then we decided to stop because he was tired and I wanted to take a picture of this massive rock. He told me ok he’d be at the car when I got back. When I went my way back to the rock I turned around and I saw my ryan outside of the car on this big rock, waiting. He told me to grab my scrabble letters. So scrabble letters in hand I went on this rock. He pulled out his pieces and with mine he spelled out “will you marry me” I loved it! I said yes of coarse! It was just this oh so happy moment! a little while later I got out all my Justin stuff. From the wedding flowers to every single note I ever got from him. Everything Justin was burned. It felt like this huge burden was lifeted off of me. I no longer had Justin luming over me. Me and him had gotten into a fight over mypsace (its included) so I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Justin wasn’t happy with me. It had been less than two months since I had broken up with him and I was already engaged with another guy. A guy I had just met. Well I hadn’t met ryans parents yet. They were going to come down to vegas from ely (where they live) for some reason. They didn’t know we had gotten engaged yet. They ony knew me as a girlfriend. We thought it would be funny to entrodice m as the fionce to shock them. Well it didn’t seem to shock them at all. They are very pleasnt people I must admit. I do like my in laws. With my inlaws I inheaited a load of brothers and sisters too! Ryan is the oldest of six children! Its awesome! I always wanted a big family! Mathew is a few months younger than me, then comes sarah who is 16, then Michael “hootie” who is 14, then comes tommey 12, and last Emily our princess who is going to be ten soon. They also are fostering one of their cousins chaze who is mentally retarted. Mathew has muscular distraphy and has been in a wheelchair since he was 12. he and ryan are oh so close. Well we picked out the wedding ring for me and it cost about $1500, maybe a little less the guys at the store took off a few hundred dollars. It has two bands one is a solitare half caret and it has a wrap around it with sapphires. I loved it because it isn’t a normal ring it had blue in it! Well we did thanksgiving at his aunts house where I met his family because they came down from ely. His younger siblings were a little bit shy around me but I made them talk to me. It was cute. We went up to ely for Christmas too. It was my first time in a long time for me to be up there. The last time I was up there was the last time I was to see my aunt alive. So it was fun, his parents bought me a hotel room for the night. And it kind of freaked me out sleeping by myself in a town I didn’t know so I went to bed at like eight on Christmas eve. I didn’t get the money for my weding until oh maybe late January. I am the worst procatinator ever! But I pulled it off. It was the most stressful thing ever. My photographer put herself in the hospital a week before the wedding and I had to scramble to get another one. I went through three cake people. Two hair people. I went through a lot. The invitations were horrible! I think I got them out two or three weeks before the wedding. Nd the bestthing was I got the bridemaids dresses the day before and we were setting up the table centerpieces until oh one something the day of. But somehow everything fell together. My dress I found on sale for $200. I had all my flowers I bought fake because they would late longer and I could get them all done a good week before hand and I did. I had a lady I knew forever do them. The lady who did my cake was a lady in my church who did it at cost so I think it was like twenty dollars? A girl I worked with at wal mart did my pictures and it took til December to get them again. I’m glad I had other people take pictures too. The lady who decorated the wedding was the aunt of my friend. I did a slide show of pictures of us growing up. I cut major corners but a thing I splurged on was I had panda express cater the wedding. Oh wonderful! Orange chicken goodness! On the day of the wedding I slept in until seven which was bad but good at the same time. Bad because it made me late for my hair appointment but good because I despritly needed the sleep. The great lack of sleep leading up to the wedding was exausting. I think it was the most sleep I had gotten in two weeks. I got my hair done then my sister did my makeup. Into the car with dress in to we went down to the temple. I had repented completely and had gone through the temple three days prior. It was a very interesting synsation. The power of god and the spirit is so strong in that place you could almost reach out and touch it. We arrived to the temple and me and ryan saw each other to sign the wedding liecence before I got into my dress and such. It was nice to see him, the look on his face was pricless “you are so beautiful “ got got sealed in the temple of god on march 10th 2007 at noon in the afternoon. To kneel acrost the alter and be sealed for time and all eternity… I am blessed to have been worthy enough to do it. The reception was nice. I ate my yummy panda express and loved having people I know celibrate he wedding with us. My mom didn’t realize why I spent three thousand dollars on a decorator until she saw the church then she understood. It was so beautiful. The song we danced to was “we’re in heaven” by dj sammy the slow version. I danced with my daddy. And I shoved cake in his face, well he shoved more in my face than I did in his but it was fun! I married a virgin. I had done nothing with him. We had a hotel room in the fiesta. I am glad we got the room when we did weeks in advance because the weekend of the wedding every single hotel in vegas was sold out. Call it a nascar/ college basketball/ spring break weekend so it was impossible to get the room. When we got into the room we found out the room was over $100 more than we were paying because we had gooten it booked so far in advance. The first time we had sex was amazing, and sweet and perfect. Not animalistic not lust powered it was just kind of like all of our love spilling over and we become one in this amazing embrace which coated our every being together. We drove to lake tahoe for our honeymoon. We had thiscute little cabin with hottub in the backyard. There was still snow on the ground which was fun. It was just a perfect time for just the two of us. I think the honeymoon was invented to help relieve the stress of the wedding. I believe when the honeymoon was all over and done with we had had sex around fourteen times. And most of that was with in the first three or four days. We went down to ely after the tahoe because we had an open house to do. It was fun. I gave his mother the open house responsibility because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. After we got home we moved more into our room in his grandmothers house. We opened all ofth presents and moved them into the garage which most of them have stayed. That is the great time that has passed since I last saw you. I quit wal mart in the beginning of this year with a giant leap of faith. I went from a full time job to a part time job which is a much beter place for me. I love it a lot more than I ever did wal mart. I dreaded going to wal mart I felt like I was dying there. I have had one moment since I was married that I thought that I was pregnant. I took a test and found out that I wasn’t. its starting to make my heart ache when ever I see a baby. I am envyou of those who are pregnant and I get angry at those who are undeserving of being pregnant that are. I think I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which might be why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. I show all the systems but I haven’t been properly dignosed yet because I haven’t gone to the doctor yet.
I have seen julian twice in one year. The first time I saw him it was at wal mart by the meat wall and I was holding a large pile of boxes. I froze when I saw him. I freaked out. I wet to the back room as fast as I could afraid that I wasn’t just having a freak out moment likei sometimes do when I think I have seen him but I really haven’t. I fallowed him out and then went up stairs. I was hyperventilating reliving every single moment. I started to cry hard… I went down stairs and found an assistant manager and told her I couldn’t stay there, then I told her why and she fallowed me out to my car to make sure I was safe then I went home. I booked it home. I cried so hard and freaked out so badly I burst a vessel in my head. I started to bleed through my nose and it wouldn’t stop for a while. I spit up this huge blood clot the next morning. I spit up blood for a week. I didn’t see him again until six months latdr. The lady who worked there had a connection with him and she knew I didn’t like him and she knew why. I freaked out again when I saw him. I ran to the back of the building and hid in the break room curled up in a ball and just cried again. I didn’t leave until she left so I stayed back there for an hour.
I call and talk to Justin every once in a while. He hasn’t been with anyone other than me. I find that interesting. But not the point. I don’t tell ryan I am talking to him when I do. I actually have him stored in my phone under a completely different name. I don’t let ryan know because ryan really doesn’t like him. I think of Justin as my friend. I think ex’s can be friends. I don’t want Justin so I don’t see where eany problem lies. But you are the only person who knows I still talk to him.
Other than that life is simple and easy. The first year of marriage was interesting but we survived.
I hope the baby will be happy and I hope the labor will be easy. I looked everywhere in my mothers house for that notebook but I swear I don’t have it. I would love to read some of the thing we wrote about to get a good giggle in but I don’t have it. Oh the goat in the bikini!
I swear my next letter will be a great deal easyier and will not take me almost a year to write. I included everything in this one so you will fully see why it took me so long to write it.
I heart you lady!
Love
janell bischoff
Lets see here what has happened since you graduated in June 2004. Now mine you this is my third time writing this thing…. That is why it has taken so long and you are getting every single version of it so… yep this is the most current version.
I got into a car accident outside the Suncoast after watching the movie saved! I got to go to girl’s camp a few days later with whiplash, a concussion and my still injured knees. That was a very pleasant experience to say the least. Not being right with god and going to a church camp is torture (it doesn’t help that I was being kept away for a whole whopping week from Justin) I got to go home a day early from camp because I believe my knee had dislocated two or three times in a five day period I was up there. I got home and ran to the phone to call Justin. After my second time calling on my way to Reno I found out that he had move to San Francisco with out telling me or saying goodbye. I was hurt that he didn’t say goodbye and the fact that to us it was over. Time line of the relationship *6 months.
July- I was hanging out with a mutual of Justin and I’s before work. He offered me breakfast and such, he was my friend and I didn’t mind hanging out with him though he was 36 at the time. we headed over to his apartment after breakfast I don’t know why, but I wished I wouldn’t have gone. He gave me fruit punch and it tasted really weird but I just figured it was the punch. (Evidently he had poured about half the bottle of very cheap vodka inn my drink it was only the second time in my life I had had alcohol in my system) I got knocked out hard on my butt. I vagley remember looking up at the ceiling and seeing a walrus in the stuccos as he was eagerly taking off my cloths. This person I trusted and considered my friend raped me. Thankfully it took me a while to actually remember; evidently my body was shocked and repressed it. Don’t get raped, it sucks. I didn’t think that anything had happened because he was so small it didn’t feel like I had had sex. I had asked him if anything had happened, he denied it. Justin didn’t believe me when I told him until the day he licked my ear the way Julian did and I curled up into a ball and cried hysterically. Back to Justin. While he was in California he ran back to Margo. Margo’s the girl he dated before me and had cheated on me while I was at my grandpa’s funeral. Well the instant he was back in California he ran back into her arms. (And I stayed with that guy for so long because?) well the end of the summer rolled around and me and the hippie had gotten back together, done the long distance thing and he had moved back to Vegas, and the shocker: into my house! (My mother had let him move into the house so that he could continue going to Cheyenne) that was by far the stupidest thing my mother could have ever done! Two teenagers, dating teenagers living under the same roof! Home alone from 1:40 to 4 almost 5 everyday… pure ignorance on my mothers side I must admit. Even on Halloween he and I had sex on Jessica wright’s sofa in the middle of her horrible party during a movie with her friend upstairs and her on the floor in front of us! I thought that she didn’t know what we were doing! Later I found out that she knew the whole time she just wanted to watch! Sick and twisted female! Well that living situation lasted all of three months… maybe. One day he yelled at my brother and almost got into a fight with him. He walked from my home (Ann and Jones) to target greatland (where his apartment was at 215 and skypoint drive, think by centennial wal-mart area) I still stuck by him.
One night I was home Alone (Saturday night) I left a note so my mom knew where I was and went to his apartment. (I have a thing about being home alone for long periods of time, it freaks me out, I don’t like it . 2 hours I don’t mind, any longer than that, I start getting antsy) so I spent the night. The next morning I went with his family normal type things. I was planning on going home soon. Well come to find out that my mom had called metro and reported me as a missing person. Yeah I know! She knew where I was! All she would have to do is call his cell phone but no she calls metro “she’s missing!” yeah that caused major drama in my family life for a while! Christmas rolled around and my family left me and went to Reno. I felt the love. I stayed with Justin because he lived with in walking distance of target where I worked. But I now know why people commit suicide around the holiday season. I was left home alone on Christmas Eve. I just sat in a chair and just cried hysterically wanting to see anyone that remotely cared a smidge about me.
Our one year went by smoothly (I got absolutely nothing other than … nothing) at this time I was messing around with Brandon Goldstein in the middle of foods and nutrition. It was an interesting hour for me. I would get him hard, pull out his dick and play with it in the middle of class. (Justin hasn’t a clue of any of this to this day!) I believe that we eh had an interesting night at lone mountain park to say the least (no I didn’t have sex with him and no its not a whore moment) well the next week he was… he handed me a water bottle full of this clear water like liquid but it swished way too slow to be water. Bottoms up! I think it was coconut rum? I’m not sure but it was good and something you are supposed to drink in shots was being chugged like it was water. Being drunk at school is fun! Justin used it as an excuse to break up with me. I cried so hard my tear ducts hurt. He was looking for an excuse to tell you the truth. The real reason why he dumped me was to go out with destine! Yes the small twin! I know! He asked her out less than a week later! It made me so mad! I still tried to be his friend, still tried to be corjal. I dated the kid for a year; I was still going to try to be his friend and such, til the day when he made me so mad I just stopped. I stopped talking to him, I stopped trying. 10:30 that night rolled around, I got the saddest puppy dog email ever:
I started going out with destinee today. adn i guess that its the fact that i didnt talk to you at all today and i barely saw you. but i just cant stop thinking about how much i fucked everything up between us and how much i finally miss you and im almost in tears right now and im sorry i wish i hadnt said some of the things that i had. ive had some of the best times in my life with you. no i HAVE had the best times of my life with you. im sooooooooo sorry for some of the things that i have said to you in the past couple of weeks and i know we cant go back now, i wish so much that we could but after everything that has happened i would lose all of my friends if things went back to the way that they were. i mean i just cant stop thinking about how much i miss your hugs and kisses i miss seeing you after first. i wish i could make everything alright but i know that i doubt you would let me. ive started sleeping with 3 pillows now and i only have 2 under my head. i cuddle with the
last one. i just miss having you in my arms. i miss the nights that we spent the night together i miss everything we had. i know this is a little late. I wish it wasnt.
i MISS you and i hope you miss me too,
i wanna be Big again...
Justin
P.S. i just typed that non-stop and now my hands hurt
im gonna go try to sleep without crying meet me after
first i miss you!!!!!!
And what do I do? I was free, single for the first time in a year,I thought that I was slowly getting over him (it took me nearly amonth but I actually started to get over him) what did I do? I called him. I talked to him, I met him the next day and the evil cycle continued. He cheated on his current girlfriend with the onehe had previously had. It took him a few days to break up with destine and officially get back together with me. A sign? I didn’t see it. Now that I look back I cant believe how stupid I really was. Back then.
Time passed and I was looking forward to prom. Then about two weeks before prom I went to another doctors appointment when it was pounced on me “you will have knee surgery 2 days after prom!” I’m sorry but you need much more time than two weeks to wrap your mind around something like that. So I blocked it out of my mind and continued onto prom. I love my dress. It was long, all white, with beautiful embroidering and beading. It had a corset top that laced up the front! It’s the same as my friends but her top had black. I got congradualted on my wedding eight different times that night while at dinner. The one good thing I got out of that night was hugo. Justin got him for me at wal-mart I believe. We doubled with Daniel hall (I hate him so much!) and kaytee. He still owes me $100 for the dinner. Awesome isn’t it? I wanted to stay longer than the 20 minutes that we did but the boys got antsyand wanted to leave. I wanted to stay but eh what can you do? Well two days after prom I went into the doctors office to get myself sliced open. The iv hurt and after they put me under I woke up… kind of. I was awakened to about a dozen people surrounding me, alarms ringing in my ears. Well evidently I didn’t do too well with the drugs they used to put me under. I kept getting shots and alarms ringing in my ears. I looked over and realized why all the people were around me. My heart rate was 170, that’s bad! That’s what a babyheart rate should be and my blood oxygen level was about 70. everything was hectic around me. Everytime my blood oxygen level went below 90 alarms went off. So after about an hour all but one person left me and he was a mean nurse! They had a mask on me to help with the oxygen (evidently I would stop breathing or somehow my body forgot how to oxygenate my blood fun!)and the heart monitors (which they were on my boobs, I wonder who had the pleasure putting those on? But what is the point of taking my bra and shirt off? I don’t know but some lucky soul out there has now seen and touched my boobs!) now at this point all I wanted to do was go back to sleep, I was just tired but every time I tried I got yelled at (alarms went off) so there I layed for four hours after I got out of surgery with them trying to stabilize me. I got got out of there with my heart rate still around 140 but they figured that was ok. They couldn’t pump me with anymore drugs. But my one blessing is they gave me a nerve blockso I couldn’t feel my leg at all, but it still hurt if that makes any sense. On Friday I went in for my first ever physical therapy. I got a pleasant experience there I did! (the way I chose which knee I wanted to have surgery on was which one hurt worse that day! Sad I know!) so I crutched into physical thereapy (pt) and my therapist michelle was an angel! It didn’t hurt any that there was hot guys working there! So I got to see what my knee actua;lly looked like under the monster of a brace I had on. That is what I saw. One long stitch with a few scattered around it. They hadwrote yes on my knee before the surgery so they wouldn’t perform surgery on the wrong knee. The bruise on the front side of my leg got pretty! It looked a lot worse than that at times. But the bruise that took the cake was the back of my knee. The first time I saw that bruise I freaked out! Wouldn’t you? The fun thing is that that wasn’t the bruise got. Everywhere you see yellow it turned the same sickening black color, beautiful I know! but the best thing is that two years later I still have discoloration to the back of the knee , so lets set the scene: the pain killers I was on it took me almost three weeks to poo because lortab is a constapant. After surgery I wasn’t allowed to shower for two weeks! And once I was allowed to shower I had to sit in a chair and it hurt! I got greatful for showers! And I had to psyc myself up for two hours to hobble my way down to the bathroom… six days after my surgeryi showed back up to school. Crutches, brace, the whole nine yards. To this day I have no idea how I pulled it off. I kept a bottle of my lortab with a sandwich on me at all times for third periodbecause that was the time my lortab wore off and I needed another dose. I’m greatful that my teacher was understanding or else I wouldn’t have made it through the day. Well after a few days my therapist thought that I had developed a blood clot in my leg. That’s a great day I’ve got to tell you: a clot can kill you and because my leg was hurtingin this one spot they figured that’s what it was. Greatfully it wasn’t but it was a lovely scare to have! Two days before graduation I got my brace off! So I was able to actually walkacrossed that stageto get my diploma with out help! And I didn’t fall! That wasa great day! Highschool was actually over! And my whole family made it which was nice too! My daddy had been home from jailsince the beginning /end of January and it was nice to have him share that mile stone with me. I in rehab til june, the end of june almost july. I got to have one month off… so I went with my mom to reno to take my brother to wrestling camp. While there we went to tahoe and swam. Boy that water is cold even in in middle of summer. My brother and I swam and got into giant mud fights the whole day it was a blast! On the way back we stopped and ate dinner and I got the most perfect awesome lemon ever! I loved that lemon! I had it in my mouth from tahoe to vegas! Yes I’m weird! But it tased so good and it molded perfectly to my mouth! I love the picture that I took with it! Well augest third I went in for my next surgery. I knew what I was to expect. I knew I would have heart monitors on my boobs weeks after the fact and I would have the crook of my hip/leg/genital area hurt because of the nerve block they would give me. Well I went in (Justin actually went along with this one) got a local before my iv so my iv didn’t hurt. I went under, woke up to almost screaming alarms again and yet again more shots. The best part, they didn’t give me the nerve block. I woke up feeling everything. EVERY. SINGLE. THING! I was crying for painkillers but they had already given me all they could give me. Alarms were going off because once again my blood wouldn’t oxygenate but my heart rate wasn’t going up this time, my heart rate kept dropping. 40’s 30’s that’s when they cut off giving me pain killers. So yet again another four hours trying to stabilize me after surgery. I went home and went to sleep with Justin next to me with my dad keeping vidgle on me, scared becausei was doing worse than I did on my last. They gave me bigger pain killers this time. I was throwing up and not a happy camper! My nerve block not being there was pure torchure! I went to rehab for the first time and when my bandages were taken off I understood whyi was hureting so much worse. I had bled throughmy bandages where the first time I didn’t. so they left my stitch in for another two days. After my first session (which I spentwith my head under a pillow because it hurt a lot) I went home and threw up all over the drive way. This surgery was a lot harder on me than the last.
Things that went wrong/sucked last time
- the stitch got stuck and broke while they were pulling it out.
- I threw up when I took a painkiller so I had to switch medication
- I was so allergic to the bandages they used I broke out into big red bumbs that itched like crazy
- Bruising was a lot worse! It looked like someone had taken a baseball batto my leg
- Swelling. Last time I didn’t swell other than my knee. This time around I swelled so bad! I lost all bone definition in my ancle. My sister triedto rub it out and painted my toes to make me feel better but as the pictures show it didn’t help any.
- I was all around more missrable
- I couldn’t look at anything written down for weeks with out it making me sick. Tv was fine but computer monitorsi could only look at for five minutes at a time before I got woozy
- The only thing I could eat was pb and strawberry jam. It took me a year and a half to be able to eat pb and j’s again
- Because the stitch breaking off on the insideof my knee when they were taking it out it was nearly a month before I got a real shower other than a kitty spit bath
The whole time i was in rehab Justin was getting ready for bootcamp. He left the week after I finished rehab. We broke up before he left because we both didn’t want to do a long distance thing. I felt like I had diedbut happy because I could fix my life with him gone. I had been trying to repent of everything I had screwed up so badly since the day after prom. So with him gone I wouldn’t be having sex with anyone, I would get fixed quickly! Well I got a letter from him in bootcamp. Then he called me. We turned into a long distance thing. He was depressed, homesick, I think he was sick even. But he found the missionarys while he was there. He went to church (for the first time in his life thanks to his mother) I thought that he was taking the steps to join my religion. I had told him a while ago that I would never marry him if he wasn’t mormon. Well with him making what I though was genuine stepsto joining my church I told him if he finished bootcamp I would marry him. Yes I used the most sacred establishment of marrage as a tool to bribe this guy to finish boot camp. Laugh. It was thestupidest thing I could haveever done. Well with his mom I bough a plane ticket and flew to san Antonio for his graduation. I was working grave yard at the time so it was a pleasant experience on my bodies clock. I got down there, wathed him graduate. We had a day pass off base so we went to a mall, the Alamo, and back to the hotel room before we went back on base. At the hotel we had all of a half hour alone time in which time I blew him and we set a date, December 30th whilehe was in vegas for Christmas break of sorts. The date as set on December 10th. And the crazyiest thing is I was able to pull together a wedding in that time! I was going to use my prom dress as my wedding dress, I got a hotel room in vegas for new years, not in a casino for under $200 for two nights, got a cake, a church, someone to do the wedding. I completely skipped the reception, invites, anything like that. I was thinking “this is just to make it official. The real wedding will happen when we get on our feet and have money for a huge wedding” * now let me diveate from this whole part for a second to help you understand the complex part. Do you remember cal? The guy that went to the haunted houses with us… micks brother? He was on top of the stairs a couple of times? Well I met him when I was nine and fell for him when we were sliding on the gym floor in our socks, I got it bad for him in the 9th grade hrough like ever. I actually dated him the summer jusstin was in California. He was always in my mind and in my heart* well I started to have little doubts pop into my head. “what about cal?” I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was going to call off the wedding because of all of the doubts I was having and I couldn’t get cal out of my heart. But somehow I pushed them out of my head and surpressed the felling. The day of my wedding I had worked the entre night before. I got home happy excited. I got my wedding cake (which was very sugar sweet) I got into the shower shaved washed my hair, got into my wedding underwear, blow dried my hair, had my flowers delivered then I got a call, from Justin, an hour and a half before the wedding. “we need to talk” my heart fell at that sound. Never in the history of ever has there been a good outcome of those words being uttered. His mom had been talking to him all night. He picked me up so he could better talk to me. He drove around his neighborhood talling me all the reasons his mom gave him not to marry me “and she was crying janell pleading with me not to marry you today,and I think shes right” one freaking hour!!! Sometimes god uses the devil to do his bidding. That phrase was the only thing I usedto keep me sain. He called off the wedding an hour before hand. I called my parents and told them to let them know and to call everyone and let them know it was cancled. While sitting there his mother came out and proceded to rip into me. The woman who had just caused a major trama in my life had the balls to come back out and rip into me make it seem like it was my fault. I wanted to murder her at that momen. I chewed on my tongue to not yell and attack her right then and there. I was in hysterics that whole day. We just drove around. Why didn’t I break up with him that day? I haven’t the slightest idea. I think I have a complex where I try to make a relationship work no matter what. So I was with him all devastated. Occasionally I would look up and just with tears in my eyes go “I’m supposed to be married right now” and break down again. I wasn’t a good day to say the least but I am so greatful that happened. I would be in florida with a person that I wasn’t ment to be with. The next day I didn’t see him. I went over to the bishops house and collapsed. I didn’t want to be left alone. I fell asleep over there and evidently I was crying in my sleep. I saw him later that night for new years eve. He brought his friend david. We saw chronicals of narnia. He was confused why I was pissy at him. But I was still with him. His friend had the balls to hit on me and try to grab me. I wanted to hurt him. That would be the last time I saw him until augest 06! But the thing was we were still together but the again we weren’t. we could dodthings with others but it was eh… It was a very complicated relationship. We called eachother and talked, but I was on nights and he was in tec training in Mississippi right after Katrina. So I think that leads the letter to what I like to call the dark time of my life. Come febuary I was antsy, sad, lonely, and despret to have a date. I got so bored with life that I had taken to when I got home from work I would do my hair and my makeup and take pictures. Along with that I would go through old year books and look up people on myspace. (I was bored and had nothing better to do) then I came across a guy I almost dated in my freshman year, josh Guerra. I sent him a message saying pretty much I bet you don’t remember me. He had gotten expelled about an inch from us going out. (he punched mr gyse in the face) well we stared talking again and he had a girlfriend. Well on my night off somehow we met up. Hung out for a blink of a second. Somehow I’m not sure how but we had sex. He used me, and I felt so dirty afterwards. He didn’t listen to me, he was rough and had such a huge penis, I screamed when he put it in too forcefully. He hurt me a lot. Because he was so forcefull he made me bleed. Well I felt sick with myself and went back into my hole of existence. I was still lonely and still felt stunted from the outside world. Around this time my brothers friend died dramatically. It was strange because we had him at dinner about a week before and he seemed fine. Well a few days after his dinner with us he blew off his head. Littereally. He took a shotgun to himself. Evidently he had gotten into a fight with his dad and then when his dad came back home he timed it so his dad walked into the door and he pulled the trigger. That was a sad day to say the least… I guess the moral of the storyis don’t fight with your kids then leave them alone in a house with a shotgun. I think that it was the first funeral for a lot of the highschool people. At that point got sick of my hair. As yousaw in my picture it was a behimith even when it was curled. Sometimes you just get so sick of your hair you just cut it off, and that’s what I did. Hair shouldn’t get as knotted as it did! Well in walks a red head into my life and I broke one of my very personal rules : don’t date perople you work with. I walked in one day and there was this quiet, shy, cute guy who just kinda caught my eye. Jason was his name . truth be told I don’t even remember his last name. it was not rememberable to keep it in my mind I guess. Well I worked with him for about a week. I talked to him, I forced him to talk to me. Littereally I would have annoyed me if I were doing it to me. But evidently he liked people forcing him out of his shell. At the end of a couple of weeks he asked me out on a date. 4/20 was the day. The only reason why I actually remember the date was because everybody get high day. I got ready after work , went and tried to watch scary moie four. Well after the horrible amount of tension that had been building for a very long while in the first oh half hour I leaned over and kissed him, a lot. I think we made out for the rest of the movie. I’m glad because the movie sounded dull and stupid. Well we went back to his place and I met sammy the dog. Cutestlittle thing ever. Actually the dog was extremely lax for attention because his owner worked two jobs and left him home alone for 16 hours a day and the rest were spent asleep. So keep that in mind, dog is nosy! So things kept going from the movie theater and we had our first try at sex. He covered me in sweat, got a limp dick (which his dick wasn’t much of a thing to admire anyways) and the dog kept trying to burstinto our business, sniff sniff! It was about 1 pm at that point was past my bed time. My face was irritated because he had this goat thing going on and it was so corse it rubbed my face raw! I was tired! So I went into his room and tried to sleep but I slowly realized this guy was klingy. He wouldn’t let me sleep. So by the end of the day after two failed attempts we finally accomplished sex. My face rubbed raw, my head throbbing from being up so late (my bedtime was 10am at the latest, it was 8 pm I hadn’t slept I had a migraine so I called into worki wasn’t in the mood for it plus I wasn’t into working a whole other 8 hour shift with no sleep. Well things went good and the days went on. About six days later I was online and I believe god had another direct hand in my life. I was doing something on the computerc when a wave washed over me and I knew it was god stearing me away from the path I was about to take. I got an overwhelming feeling that I was in love with cal. I know now it was god but at the moment it was so real I could almost touch it. I decided at that moment to push Jason away and wait for cal to come home. The next day Jason asked me out. I knew he was going to for some reason, so my heart sank and I wrote him this big long letter telling him I couldn’t because I loved someone else that I wasn’t going to see for another tn months. He looked like someone killed his kittens. Then to my surprise I got a response back of “give us a try” I told him no every day for two weeks. My friend came into town. I decided to hang out with her. Amber nealson was there. I know you know her. She had just had a baby with david her boyfriend from highschool. Why do girls who don’t wantto have a baby are able to have one but those who really want one aren’t about to have them? Well an old group that used to hang out with was there that night. It was nice to see them all again. Well after getting thrown in a pool fully dressed I got pulled into the managers office at work. I got interviewed for a position, a managers position over areas of the store that I hated. In my mind hba ment I harte you and guess what, I became manager over everything you cant eat or take as a pill with hba needing the most of my time. Carma I guess. This job made me very happy though I got away from even seeing Jason if I arranged it right. He got off work at 5:30 and my shift normally didn’t start until until 7! Yippie! One of the good things I got out of switching to days was I found a soul mate friend. Her name is Christine. She and I are similar, we wear the same shoe and pant size and like the same things. She is my sanity. Time trucked on. I think it was june 27th? I believe my day off and I randomly went into the dmv and got my drivers liecnece. Then my mom and I drove around to different car dealerships stopped at planet Nissan. I test drove around four different cars and I fell in love with a v6 hydia sonota. Well I signed my soul away and by 10:30 pm I was drving home my very first car. That day was a very interesting day. Well along comes july 4th . I had worked an annoying shift at work like always. Showered and had gotten into a mood so I got into my mini jean skirt and threw my black wife beater on, and a little make up. I looked hot, felt hot, the whole nine yards. I got a call from the dealership some kind of paperwork was done and they needed me to go pick it up. So I drove down to the dealership. While talking to the receptionist there was a guy behind the counter on his laptop on myspace. I started to give him a ahrd time. The guy was ten times hotter than Jason epling hot. He got my myspace address, gave me his number, and I went on my merry way. His name, avan saches, manager of web based sales at planet Nissan. He is still my friend on myspace. He is sooooo yummy!!! So i went to my sisters house for fireworks. Iwent over early because her dog had puppies and she was selling them and she wanted me to help her make a movie/ slideshow of them. Well her boyfriend had a roommate. Billy buely, yes another massive mistake of mine. I don’t even know how to say that somehow I had a one night stand with him. Clique “ it just happened” and I wanted to slit my wrists afterwards. I got depressed and err. Well avan and I saw each other a few times. He is wow. He can play the piano like its no bodysa business and he kisses like a god. Chisled abs… amazing. So my friend jake, I have known him since I was 14. he is 6’6 a monster of a man somehow I started to date him. (wow I’m starting to sound like a whore right now but there was a really big stretches of time inbetween the guys I swear!) so I had got attached to jake. This was more than once I had tried to have a relationship with him. We had bben dating for a couple of weeks, not like boyfriend and girlfriend but we were getting casually serious. Well one night at dinner he got a call from someone. He took me home strangely I was perplexed because we had planned to do more that night. Well like I had done a couple of times before I had gone to his work to look for him, I couldn’t find him which I found odd because he wasn’t supposed to be off for another half hour. I called him twice. The second time he answered the phone. I heard a giggle in the background. He then had to tell me. While dating me he had cheated on me and had gotten her pregnant. I guess it was because I wasn’t willing to put out that time. So I died.. I found my friend jeff who was in the same parking lot as me for some reason and I just cried I then got a slap in the facewhen he kind of just shoved in my face “love you just fall for all the wrong guys” well a few days later one of my regular calls from Justin, tec training will be done in one week and he was coming to vegas. At that moment I got the strongest feeling that I was to break up with him. I took the feeling and held it inside. (this was about the time when everything was piling ontop of itselfon me. Everything that had happened that I had that I had held inside. Cutting helped with the overwhelming feeling that I had been holding inside over the last few months. That picture was taken one long night by Christine. Feeling the razor slice my skin and having the blood trickle down my arm helped the feeling of being useless like all I was worth was being a piece of ass; to be used for their satisfaction then thrown aside in a crumpled heap on the floor. Every slice line, every drop spilt… its hard to explain it unless you have cut yourself, not for the reason to get attention, you will never understand it.the lines have now faded. Only I know they are there. Physical proof of the emotional torment that I went through. A light faded lines on my arm and leg to show my bloodied, beaten soul… so I knew when Justin came into town, when he lefti would break up with him. It had been since December that I had seen him. I had dated him for two and a half years at this point. I knew that I didn’t love him. But when you are with someone for that length of timeyou tend to get attached to them. I wanted to see him. He was my every first. My plan was to soak up every moment with him but break up with him when he left. I figured with my reasoning that I wanted my two years of pleasant hell to end on a high note. I cant really explain it other than that. So today is the day that Justin is to come into town, Saturday or something like that. He was supposed to make it in by six or something like that. I knew I wouldn’t get to see him the very second he got off the plane but I figured he would want to see the girlfriend of two years. Well around 8 I get acall, he decided that he was going to go to a strip club with destine and desiree.
Nail one in the coffin of the early demise of our relationship. Two hours and two lap dances later I got the call that he was on his way to see me. I had been ready for hours to begin with but now I was annoyed that
A: he had gone to a strip club with two females other than myself
B: that one of them he had broken up with me to mess around with her
C: that evidently I wasn’t the biggest priority in his life, that he wanted to see other people before he had seen me.
But never the less I still wanted to see him. So he rolled up to the house close to eleven and I hopped into his car. He pulled my face to his and gave me the movie kiss. A kiss that was supposed to be like making up for all the other kisses he hadn’t given me in the last few months.
Nail two- his stench of body odar was overpowering. You could feel the stick of sweat on his arm and taste the salt that had been trickling freely onto his lips and the nape of his neck. It made my stomach turnbut he didn’t feel like talking much, but he didn’t want to have sex, but just orgasm. Now that I think about it, it is rather strange… well every day that I saw him that he was here it felt like I was getting stabbed. He was to be here for two weeks I believe. I did have sex with himwhile he was here, more for spite to his mother than anything. The truth be told I had sex in her apartment while he was here just to hurt her even though she wouldnever know that it had happened. I didn’t want to see him. My heart was hurting constantly at that point and I didn’t want to go through with more thanthat than I hadto. So I went to my friends house because
A: he just got off his mission
B: my friend had come down from Idaho to see himand I wanted to see her more than him.
With my friend ann in tow we drove over to the friendshouse. I started to chat up with my friend from Idaho when the cell phone rang. Justin was on the other end. He wanted to see me and my heartsank. I told him I was already doing something. He got mad “janell I don’t think this is going to work anymo..” my heart started to soar. I cut him off I had been planning this moment for close to a month and no way in hell was he going to do what I wanted to do! “Justin! Justin! Wait! I’ve been planning on breaking up with you on the day you leave!” at this point I was smiling like I hadn’t done in a very long while. I was jumping up and down. People around me thought I was loosing it, somehow through my extreme happiness I was able to break up with him and he hung up on me. I was free… truly free for the frist timein two and a half years and the weight of the world was finally taken off my shoulders. It was the day before he was to leave when he finally called my again. He wanted to see me, talk to me. I agreed when I was done with what I was doing. Around nine at night I met him at the church by my house so we could talk. I told him about all the guys and we laughed about billy buely and how it happened. He now knew why I never talked on the phone and such for such lengths of time. Then somehow we has sex one last time in the back of my car. It was sweet and had a final feel to it. When we finished he hugged me and I started to cry. When we left I went into hysterics on the way back to my house. I had a first and an only expierence. I pulled the car over and threw up because I cried so hard. Deep gut wrentching pain swept over me knowing that I would never see him again but it was strange… I cried because the relationship was over, but I was yet again happy it was over too! I think Justin later told me the date was augest third when we broke up. I know… well time trugged on, I went to church stuff, work hung out with some friends normal things like that fun, predictable and at times boring but what can ya do? Then one nightat a a sigles activity my entire life changed. I was driving to a persons house where the activity was at from the church and I took a way that no body else was taking when I realized that someone was following me. I was driving crazy to see if they were going the same place as me or if they were a stocker. I got to the place we were going , got out of the car, turned to him and said “ you were following me!” the man who was looking back at me was my husband. Ryan bischoff the man I was ment to marry. I was a beast to him. He was wearing a lot of brown that night. He was wearing a brown hoodie that I would steal later and brown shirt… he looked good. I liked him. He was nice. I didn’t think much of it. Then the next week at the next activity(Monday) I turned around and started to talk to him again. I think this guy is cute and I would like to go on a date with him. I get his phone number (he is very very shy at this point. I don’t think he has ever had an encounter with another female) so I get his phone number and he gets mine. We are going to go to an activity at another friends house. We are in a back yard and they pick the three amigos to watch on the side of a building. I decided to sit and watch it with him because I had never seen the movie and I wanted to talk to this guy. Its brisk outside and my hand got cold. Somehow we held hands retarded like. But, it was something completely different. I got butterflys my stomach flipped it was amzing… from holding hands!!! I called him the next da and talked for about an hour and we set a date for movies and dinner. The day of the first date (Saturday) I had to work but I wasn’t really worried because ei got off at four and the date wasn’t until six. At work somebody got hurt so I had to go across town to get them to the doctor. On Saturday the only place that was open was just off the strip. It took six hours for everything to get done. I was so bored I downloaded tetris for my phone. I was getting worried because it was taking so long to finish I thought that I would be late. I got done with the doctors got back to work and had lost an hour in prep time that I thought that I was going to have. I got pretty and then ryan came to my door. He was standing there with a single rose with a ribbon tied around it. I had never gotten flowers from any body before ever. I was flabbergasted and dumbfounded. I shut the door in his face accidently to give my mom the flower to put in water. I realized what I did and opened it for him and introduced him to my mom. We went to dinner first at applebees and I was scared I was going to get something all over me or embarrass myself or other things like that. We went to the movie the illusionist. I was scared with him, nervous. It took me until half way through the movie before I was able to properly grab his hant. When the movie was over we didn’t want the date to end so we went down to the strip and walked around which is funny because we both don’t like the strip. Ok I am wearing a skirt and healed boots. I don’t wear heals ever and it was my first time wearing the boots. I almost died by the end of the night but it was completely worth it. I was exausted that night. I fell asleep on the drive home in his car. We didn’t ever kiss on the first date. It was weird but it was nice. I was estatic, I liked this boy a lot. At church the next day is what completely sold me on him. He came up sat next to me and proceeded to put his arm around me. He flipped though his scriptures with one hand. I was sold completely. I knew I was falling for this boy and I hadn’t even kissed him yet. It wasn’t until the next day that I kissed him. We were at another church thing and my friend took my car home (I trust her a lot and she lived around the corner from me so it wasn’t a problem) he took me to her house to pick up the car. There was so much tension in that car it wasn’t even funny. It took me three hours to build up the nerve to kiss him. We just kind of ralked about the most random things (cryptic grass that was going to attack everyone) I found out he hadn’t even kissed anyone so that put a lot of pressure on me. I never wanted to be anbodys frists and there I was sitting in a car with this guy where every inch of my body was screaming at me to kiss him. I knew he wasn’t going to do it. I leaned over and kissed him. I scared him half to death, he didn’t really even kiss back. Then I kissed him again and he kissed back then. It was amazing! My stomach jumped into my throat and my heart ran a million times in a minute. Perfect kiss. The next day we kissed for three hours straight. I guess we kind of over loaded on it, but all we did was kiss. No touching, grouping, nothing just sweet kissing , no tongue. (we really don’t ever use tongue now its just not us I guess) I knew I loved very very fast. I knew I loved him with in a week. It was kind of a bam thing. I got hit by a train ntensivy in love with ryan. Because I knew I loved him so soon and so amazingly dramatic I told him everything. I didn’t want this to get so far than than me be like oh I’m not a virgin and it be a done deal and he leave me. I told him how I was molested at five, nine and how I was raped at seventeen. He cried when I told him. I told him how I had lost it when I was in high school. I told him how my dad had been in jail. I told him how I felt like I was crazy and how I thought that u was spirling out of control for a while. He cried when I told him everything. He told me he already knew I wasn’t a virgin. He didn’t want to know everything so I didn’t tell him. To this day I believe he thinks its only been him and Justin. He doesn’t want to know, so I will never tell him. I think his reaction to telling him I was raped was a sealing deal for me. He cried when I told him. He couldn’t think of anything more hoorible happening to a person. Justin didn’t do anything, I don’t think believed me until the day I freaked out and cried on him. He started to ask me to marry him two weeks in. he would leave me a card with roses. The letter would leave scrabble letters in it. It was amazingly romantic. I loved it so much! So come October 21st we decided to go to the valley of fire for the day. I brought my Justin stuff to burn because I knew he was going to ask me to marry him. We went hiking around, ate lunch, then we decided to stop because he was tired and I wanted to take a picture of this massive rock. He told me ok he’d be at the car when I got back. When I went my way back to the rock I turned around and I saw my ryan outside of the car on this big rock, waiting. He told me to grab my scrabble letters. So scrabble letters in hand I went on this rock. He pulled out his pieces and with mine he spelled out “will you marry me” I loved it! I said yes of coarse! It was just this oh so happy moment! a little while later I got out all my Justin stuff. From the wedding flowers to every single note I ever got from him. Everything Justin was burned. It felt like this huge burden was lifeted off of me. I no longer had Justin luming over me. Me and him had gotten into a fight over mypsace (its included) so I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Justin wasn’t happy with me. It had been less than two months since I had broken up with him and I was already engaged with another guy. A guy I had just met. Well I hadn’t met ryans parents yet. They were going to come down to vegas from ely (where they live) for some reason. They didn’t know we had gotten engaged yet. They ony knew me as a girlfriend. We thought it would be funny to entrodice m as the fionce to shock them. Well it didn’t seem to shock them at all. They are very pleasnt people I must admit. I do like my in laws. With my inlaws I inheaited a load of brothers and sisters too! Ryan is the oldest of six children! Its awesome! I always wanted a big family! Mathew is a few months younger than me, then comes sarah who is 16, then Michael “hootie” who is 14, then comes tommey 12, and last Emily our princess who is going to be ten soon. They also are fostering one of their cousins chaze who is mentally retarted. Mathew has muscular distraphy and has been in a wheelchair since he was 12. he and ryan are oh so close. Well we picked out the wedding ring for me and it cost about $1500, maybe a little less the guys at the store took off a few hundred dollars. It has two bands one is a solitare half caret and it has a wrap around it with sapphires. I loved it because it isn’t a normal ring it had blue in it! Well we did thanksgiving at his aunts house where I met his family because they came down from ely. His younger siblings were a little bit shy around me but I made them talk to me. It was cute. We went up to ely for Christmas too. It was my first time in a long time for me to be up there. The last time I was up there was the last time I was to see my aunt alive. So it was fun, his parents bought me a hotel room for the night. And it kind of freaked me out sleeping by myself in a town I didn’t know so I went to bed at like eight on Christmas eve. I didn’t get the money for my weding until oh maybe late January. I am the worst procatinator ever! But I pulled it off. It was the most stressful thing ever. My photographer put herself in the hospital a week before the wedding and I had to scramble to get another one. I went through three cake people. Two hair people. I went through a lot. The invitations were horrible! I think I got them out two or three weeks before the wedding. Nd the bestthing was I got the bridemaids dresses the day before and we were setting up the table centerpieces until oh one something the day of. But somehow everything fell together. My dress I found on sale for $200. I had all my flowers I bought fake because they would late longer and I could get them all done a good week before hand and I did. I had a lady I knew forever do them. The lady who did my cake was a lady in my church who did it at cost so I think it was like twenty dollars? A girl I worked with at wal mart did my pictures and it took til December to get them again. I’m glad I had other people take pictures too. The lady who decorated the wedding was the aunt of my friend. I did a slide show of pictures of us growing up. I cut major corners but a thing I splurged on was I had panda express cater the wedding. Oh wonderful! Orange chicken goodness! On the day of the wedding I slept in until seven which was bad but good at the same time. Bad because it made me late for my hair appointment but good because I despritly needed the sleep. The great lack of sleep leading up to the wedding was exausting. I think it was the most sleep I had gotten in two weeks. I got my hair done then my sister did my makeup. Into the car with dress in to we went down to the temple. I had repented completely and had gone through the temple three days prior. It was a very interesting synsation. The power of god and the spirit is so strong in that place you could almost reach out and touch it. We arrived to the temple and me and ryan saw each other to sign the wedding liecence before I got into my dress and such. It was nice to see him, the look on his face was pricless “you are so beautiful “ got got sealed in the temple of god on march 10th 2007 at noon in the afternoon. To kneel acrost the alter and be sealed for time and all eternity… I am blessed to have been worthy enough to do it. The reception was nice. I ate my yummy panda express and loved having people I know celibrate he wedding with us. My mom didn’t realize why I spent three thousand dollars on a decorator until she saw the church then she understood. It was so beautiful. The song we danced to was “we’re in heaven” by dj sammy the slow version. I danced with my daddy. And I shoved cake in his face, well he shoved more in my face than I did in his but it was fun! I married a virgin. I had done nothing with him. We had a hotel room in the fiesta. I am glad we got the room when we did weeks in advance because the weekend of the wedding every single hotel in vegas was sold out. Call it a nascar/ college basketball/ spring break weekend so it was impossible to get the room. When we got into the room we found out the room was over $100 more than we were paying because we had gooten it booked so far in advance. The first time we had sex was amazing, and sweet and perfect. Not animalistic not lust powered it was just kind of like all of our love spilling over and we become one in this amazing embrace which coated our every being together. We drove to lake tahoe for our honeymoon. We had thiscute little cabin with hottub in the backyard. There was still snow on the ground which was fun. It was just a perfect time for just the two of us. I think the honeymoon was invented to help relieve the stress of the wedding. I believe when the honeymoon was all over and done with we had had sex around fourteen times. And most of that was with in the first three or four days. We went down to ely after the tahoe because we had an open house to do. It was fun. I gave his mother the open house responsibility because I wouldn’t have been able to handle it. After we got home we moved more into our room in his grandmothers house. We opened all ofth presents and moved them into the garage which most of them have stayed. That is the great time that has passed since I last saw you. I quit wal mart in the beginning of this year with a giant leap of faith. I went from a full time job to a part time job which is a much beter place for me. I love it a lot more than I ever did wal mart. I dreaded going to wal mart I felt like I was dying there. I have had one moment since I was married that I thought that I was pregnant. I took a test and found out that I wasn’t. its starting to make my heart ache when ever I see a baby. I am envyou of those who are pregnant and I get angry at those who are undeserving of being pregnant that are. I think I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome which might be why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. I show all the systems but I haven’t been properly dignosed yet because I haven’t gone to the doctor yet.
I have seen julian twice in one year. The first time I saw him it was at wal mart by the meat wall and I was holding a large pile of boxes. I froze when I saw him. I freaked out. I wet to the back room as fast as I could afraid that I wasn’t just having a freak out moment likei sometimes do when I think I have seen him but I really haven’t. I fallowed him out and then went up stairs. I was hyperventilating reliving every single moment. I started to cry hard… I went down stairs and found an assistant manager and told her I couldn’t stay there, then I told her why and she fallowed me out to my car to make sure I was safe then I went home. I booked it home. I cried so hard and freaked out so badly I burst a vessel in my head. I started to bleed through my nose and it wouldn’t stop for a while. I spit up this huge blood clot the next morning. I spit up blood for a week. I didn’t see him again until six months latdr. The lady who worked there had a connection with him and she knew I didn’t like him and she knew why. I freaked out again when I saw him. I ran to the back of the building and hid in the break room curled up in a ball and just cried again. I didn’t leave until she left so I stayed back there for an hour.
I call and talk to Justin every once in a while. He hasn’t been with anyone other than me. I find that interesting. But not the point. I don’t tell ryan I am talking to him when I do. I actually have him stored in my phone under a completely different name. I don’t let ryan know because ryan really doesn’t like him. I think of Justin as my friend. I think ex’s can be friends. I don’t want Justin so I don’t see where eany problem lies. But you are the only person who knows I still talk to him.
Other than that life is simple and easy. The first year of marriage was interesting but we survived.
I hope the baby will be happy and I hope the labor will be easy. I looked everywhere in my mothers house for that notebook but I swear I don’t have it. I would love to read some of the thing we wrote about to get a good giggle in but I don’t have it. Oh the goat in the bikini!
I swear my next letter will be a great deal easyier and will not take me almost a year to write. I included everything in this one so you will fully see why it took me so long to write it.
I heart you lady!
Love
janell bischoff