It's been again so long...
I actually don't check lj anymore however as it's been very long since I wrote here I thought it would be nice to write some updates in my life.
Have you ever watched Bridget Jones diary?
Quoting "It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces"
That's the most appropriated line ever, about my life.
I honestly can say that I like my new job. I like to sit in front of a computer and work for 5 days a week between nice people.
I didn't think that a real japanese company enviroment could be so nice as I heard so many bad things from other foreigners that worked in japanese companies.
I've been told that this company is kind of different from the others a lot of times and I guess it's true.
I don't think in the other companies break rooms you get to find bookshelves full of manga and magazines for example.
I also think that they have there some game console?
And people are really nice with me, although at the beginning and even now I feel like I've still so much to learn and there are still so many japanese technical words that I don't know and that even when told, I keep forgetting.
And let's not talk about english :D As my job consists primarly in using english language...well yes I do feel like all my english knowledge in the end resulted in something a little over the basics and the formal speech is a faraway goal as it doesn't come easily.
So yeah, I'm putting a lot of efforts and trying to get better eventhough I'm sure there are still a thousand of things I'm doing wrong, but I do like this new job, and I like to be part of this company.
People are nice, I get money and I can finally start saving something for my future.
But this stability apparently comes with a price...
You see, at the beginning of the year I received a phone call from my father.
They hospitalized my mother in January because she was not eating anymore.
My mum, who used to be kind of fat (never lost the kgs she gained after her two pregnancies), lost already some weight during this summer due to an accident she had at work where she fell and broke her leg.
From that time she spent her days in bed and her behaviour changed.
But the worst part was when she got a phone call from her work telling her that she had worked enough and was eligible for pension, in short, that she could retire.
My mum, like my dad and pretty much everyone in my family...we are like...workhaolics? As in,in my parents case, they wouldn't know what to do if you take their job away from them.
My dad has 3 jobs, one full time job and other two he does as "hobby".
My mum would end up staying 10 hours in the office and she would not complain at all.
When we hinted before that she could retire, she would always invent some reason why she should not do that, but in the end it is simply that she didn't want to.
So you can see how this news made my mum fall into depression, she started eating less and less and at one point she simply refused to eat.
When she was taken to hospital, my mum's weight was (I knew the truth only recently) 33 kgs.
Of course with the brain left without food for so long even her mind went kind of...crazy. As in, sometimes she wouldn't even know who I was on the phone or she would just start rambling about job even if my question was "what did you eat?"
It went like that for a while, they were keeping her up with parenteral nutrition, made all the kind of exams on her, even CT scan and everything came up negative.
The problem was that she wouldn't eat and apparently her stomach became so small that even when trying, she would throw up.
From that day, I've been calling home every day.
I'm not sure how many people know that at work I hope not many though.
I intended to keep things at minimum there, but few weeks ago, one of the bosses while he was explaining me about an event we, as company , were going to attend to, said that lately he saw me different, as not as cheerful as I was at the beginning but kind of sad, and at that time I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore, I started crying and explained him all.
He was so nice, he even said that if I needed to go back to Italy they would try to give me some days even if I still technically didn't have enough days off earned yet.
I thanked him but as my mum was, and still is, hospitalized my visits to her would have lasted not even 2 hours every day and I coudn't be of any help in that way.
So I remained, and actually job is helping me to keep my mind busy.
You have no idea of the feeling you get when you hear your own mother say "And who is her?" referring to you.
It freezes you and I doubt I will ever be able to forget that feeling.
Also because I'm closer to my mun than to my dad so it was kind of devastating.
Weeks passed, and my mum was transferred from the hospital to one of those clinics that offer long term hospitalizations. Apparently they made her weight increase and reach 40 kgs.
After this accomplishment, she was taken to this new clinic so she could gain more weight and start walking again.
The diagnosis was a beginning of phobic neurosis as she was absolutely terrified, after the surgery, to start walking again, with subsequential depression and anorexia when the job news arrived.
They are giving her some antidepressants making her believe that she is taking vitamins (oh yeah because she would read all the side effects of the medicines and then refuse to take them) and little by little, although I still hear her tired when she answers to the phone, it seems that she is getting better.
But still, last week she got influenza and stopped eating again for two days, we went back again to the point where she would blabber some nonsensical things...as the brain was again without food.
So basically I'm living every day stressed like mad, scared to have some bad news every time I call home.
She needs a psychiatrist and unfortunately they do not have one in this new hospital so we are trying to find someone who could visit her, talk to her and help her regaining her mental health.
Because even if she gets better, if the problem is not solved, she might go back to depression and anorexia anytime.
So yeah, here are my latest updates on my life, my ups and downs...
I just wish we could all find happiness, because if now that I have a stable job, the price is my mum's health, I'm so scared that if I finally decide to start some kind of relationship and create my own happiness, some other part of my life would again crumble.
I do not need to be extremely happy, I do not need that.
I just want to be able to wake up and know that even if it's not perfect, my life is somehow normal.
With a normal job, a normal family with normal problems, a normal love relationship and a normal health.
It is too much to hope for I guess, but it doesn't hurt to ask...right?
Have you ever watched Bridget Jones diary?
Quoting "It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces"
That's the most appropriated line ever, about my life.
I honestly can say that I like my new job. I like to sit in front of a computer and work for 5 days a week between nice people.
I didn't think that a real japanese company enviroment could be so nice as I heard so many bad things from other foreigners that worked in japanese companies.
I've been told that this company is kind of different from the others a lot of times and I guess it's true.
I don't think in the other companies break rooms you get to find bookshelves full of manga and magazines for example.
I also think that they have there some game console?
And people are really nice with me, although at the beginning and even now I feel like I've still so much to learn and there are still so many japanese technical words that I don't know and that even when told, I keep forgetting.
And let's not talk about english :D As my job consists primarly in using english language...well yes I do feel like all my english knowledge in the end resulted in something a little over the basics and the formal speech is a faraway goal as it doesn't come easily.
So yeah, I'm putting a lot of efforts and trying to get better eventhough I'm sure there are still a thousand of things I'm doing wrong, but I do like this new job, and I like to be part of this company.
People are nice, I get money and I can finally start saving something for my future.
But this stability apparently comes with a price...
You see, at the beginning of the year I received a phone call from my father.
They hospitalized my mother in January because she was not eating anymore.
My mum, who used to be kind of fat (never lost the kgs she gained after her two pregnancies), lost already some weight during this summer due to an accident she had at work where she fell and broke her leg.
From that time she spent her days in bed and her behaviour changed.
But the worst part was when she got a phone call from her work telling her that she had worked enough and was eligible for pension, in short, that she could retire.
My mum, like my dad and pretty much everyone in my family...we are like...workhaolics? As in,in my parents case, they wouldn't know what to do if you take their job away from them.
My dad has 3 jobs, one full time job and other two he does as "hobby".
My mum would end up staying 10 hours in the office and she would not complain at all.
When we hinted before that she could retire, she would always invent some reason why she should not do that, but in the end it is simply that she didn't want to.
So you can see how this news made my mum fall into depression, she started eating less and less and at one point she simply refused to eat.
When she was taken to hospital, my mum's weight was (I knew the truth only recently) 33 kgs.
Of course with the brain left without food for so long even her mind went kind of...crazy. As in, sometimes she wouldn't even know who I was on the phone or she would just start rambling about job even if my question was "what did you eat?"
It went like that for a while, they were keeping her up with parenteral nutrition, made all the kind of exams on her, even CT scan and everything came up negative.
The problem was that she wouldn't eat and apparently her stomach became so small that even when trying, she would throw up.
From that day, I've been calling home every day.
I'm not sure how many people know that at work I hope not many though.
I intended to keep things at minimum there, but few weeks ago, one of the bosses while he was explaining me about an event we, as company , were going to attend to, said that lately he saw me different, as not as cheerful as I was at the beginning but kind of sad, and at that time I couldn't keep it bottled up anymore, I started crying and explained him all.
He was so nice, he even said that if I needed to go back to Italy they would try to give me some days even if I still technically didn't have enough days off earned yet.
I thanked him but as my mum was, and still is, hospitalized my visits to her would have lasted not even 2 hours every day and I coudn't be of any help in that way.
So I remained, and actually job is helping me to keep my mind busy.
You have no idea of the feeling you get when you hear your own mother say "And who is her?" referring to you.
It freezes you and I doubt I will ever be able to forget that feeling.
Also because I'm closer to my mun than to my dad so it was kind of devastating.
Weeks passed, and my mum was transferred from the hospital to one of those clinics that offer long term hospitalizations. Apparently they made her weight increase and reach 40 kgs.
After this accomplishment, she was taken to this new clinic so she could gain more weight and start walking again.
The diagnosis was a beginning of phobic neurosis as she was absolutely terrified, after the surgery, to start walking again, with subsequential depression and anorexia when the job news arrived.
They are giving her some antidepressants making her believe that she is taking vitamins (oh yeah because she would read all the side effects of the medicines and then refuse to take them) and little by little, although I still hear her tired when she answers to the phone, it seems that she is getting better.
But still, last week she got influenza and stopped eating again for two days, we went back again to the point where she would blabber some nonsensical things...as the brain was again without food.
So basically I'm living every day stressed like mad, scared to have some bad news every time I call home.
She needs a psychiatrist and unfortunately they do not have one in this new hospital so we are trying to find someone who could visit her, talk to her and help her regaining her mental health.
Because even if she gets better, if the problem is not solved, she might go back to depression and anorexia anytime.
So yeah, here are my latest updates on my life, my ups and downs...
I just wish we could all find happiness, because if now that I have a stable job, the price is my mum's health, I'm so scared that if I finally decide to start some kind of relationship and create my own happiness, some other part of my life would again crumble.
I do not need to be extremely happy, I do not need that.
I just want to be able to wake up and know that even if it's not perfect, my life is somehow normal.
With a normal job, a normal family with normal problems, a normal love relationship and a normal health.
It is too much to hope for I guess, but it doesn't hurt to ask...right?