(no subject)
I havent touched this livejournal thing in centuries. I bought a new book today. The battles for god "a history of fundamentalism. weird. I normally never buy books that are non fiction. i figured its time i grow up and not bring my Dr. Seuss books on the train with me.
So. I've been feeling awkward and emotional. Like im growing through puberty all over again. I started talking to my mom. I've been visiting her house. I meet her children, my half brother and sister. their so beautiful my siblings. The girl looks and acts so much like i did when i was little. and they have it all. I'm seriously happy for my mother. She managed to leave the shittest part of the bronx and live on ritzy white infiltrated long island hicksville.
She has become the quintessential housewife. A mom whom now wheres mom jeans, drives the children to school cleans the house and then cooks. Before I went into the house that day that I saw her a week ago. it was one of the first times I had seen her in 8 years. Yeah I've seen her once on her break at her job like 2 years ago for an hour. But to actually see her in her domain. Being the same mother I remembered. I couldn't handle it. I went to the bathroom, and broke down. I broke down because everything she had, everything she wish for, everything she promised me, she finally achieved. But i wasn't a part of it. I wasn't there to see the kids grow up. I wasn't there when she learned how to drive. I wasn't there for the Christmas by the fireplace(that yes she has and uses). I wasn't there to be a part of the family. But yet here in the bronx I was here to experience the break ins. The nights of no heat. The nights of being alone cause rippy was out. The time when I had to cook for myself at 13. My dad wanted me to move in so badly with him. For what? So i can been home. Alone. Never invited to his late night affairs. But just home. On the computer becoming a hermit before my time.
I don't resent my mother after all.I realized she's not so bad. and my father has yet to give me a decent reason he hates her. Yes, she eccentric and loud and argumentative. But i believe my dad is too. I dunno. I thought seeing my mother would help me become closer with my female family members and my female acquiescences. But instead it opened a wound that i was completely immune too and learned to be jaded for. I learned how to erase her. I learned from my father that she was an "evil bitch".
I'll tell you who i am resenting. My father. Yes he loves me. Of course he wants the best for me. everyone loves my dad. He gives good advice in fashion, beauty and beyond. too everyone. He tells everyone around him that are having relationship trouble "YOU SHOULD WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILDREN. THEY NEED BOTH PARENTS IN THEIR LIFE. THERE IS NOT ONE REASON YOU CANNOT PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILD"
My father is selfish and wants me to become this superhuman, thats Fierce, fabulous and can be able to say fuck you to anyone. And if i don't i become a push over. I'm through with it. He brainwashed me and I cant forgive him. He made me believe he was someone different. But he's true colors are showing up every single day. He messed up my family. He's unmotivated. and i don't care if anyone doesn't like how it sounds. Goddammit, this is my freaking journal. And can say. I HATE MY FATHER. and it should be ok. Cause shit right now. Im so pissed. I so pissed I was jaded by my dad. He didn't let me see my mother. He would make me feel like a hooker on the street whenever I expressed my feeling for her. And now I'm stuck in a limbo. My mother and I relationship is equilivant to that of two strangers that once were in love. I hate him so much for letting it get like that. For not letting my mother get close to me with out police and lawyers being present. I remember that day rippy. That day we were in court and you told me to tell the lawyer that I want to live with my you because my mother neglects me. I cant believe you. And now when you forced me to stay away from her, and you threatened the law if she came near me, you tell me my mother was never there, You tell me that shes an undeserving bitch and you don't care if the "motherfucker dies". You're a hypocrite and our relationship is tainted now. I'm not holding a grudge. but im not gonna be your puppy. I'm not gonna be your little girl. Its done.
So. I've been feeling awkward and emotional. Like im growing through puberty all over again. I started talking to my mom. I've been visiting her house. I meet her children, my half brother and sister. their so beautiful my siblings. The girl looks and acts so much like i did when i was little. and they have it all. I'm seriously happy for my mother. She managed to leave the shittest part of the bronx and live on ritzy white infiltrated long island hicksville.
She has become the quintessential housewife. A mom whom now wheres mom jeans, drives the children to school cleans the house and then cooks. Before I went into the house that day that I saw her a week ago. it was one of the first times I had seen her in 8 years. Yeah I've seen her once on her break at her job like 2 years ago for an hour. But to actually see her in her domain. Being the same mother I remembered. I couldn't handle it. I went to the bathroom, and broke down. I broke down because everything she had, everything she wish for, everything she promised me, she finally achieved. But i wasn't a part of it. I wasn't there to see the kids grow up. I wasn't there when she learned how to drive. I wasn't there for the Christmas by the fireplace(that yes she has and uses). I wasn't there to be a part of the family. But yet here in the bronx I was here to experience the break ins. The nights of no heat. The nights of being alone cause rippy was out. The time when I had to cook for myself at 13. My dad wanted me to move in so badly with him. For what? So i can been home. Alone. Never invited to his late night affairs. But just home. On the computer becoming a hermit before my time.
I don't resent my mother after all.I realized she's not so bad. and my father has yet to give me a decent reason he hates her. Yes, she eccentric and loud and argumentative. But i believe my dad is too. I dunno. I thought seeing my mother would help me become closer with my female family members and my female acquiescences. But instead it opened a wound that i was completely immune too and learned to be jaded for. I learned how to erase her. I learned from my father that she was an "evil bitch".
I'll tell you who i am resenting. My father. Yes he loves me. Of course he wants the best for me. everyone loves my dad. He gives good advice in fashion, beauty and beyond. too everyone. He tells everyone around him that are having relationship trouble "YOU SHOULD WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILDREN. THEY NEED BOTH PARENTS IN THEIR LIFE. THERE IS NOT ONE REASON YOU CANNOT PUT YOUR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND WORK IT OUT FOR THE CHILD"
My father is selfish and wants me to become this superhuman, thats Fierce, fabulous and can be able to say fuck you to anyone. And if i don't i become a push over. I'm through with it. He brainwashed me and I cant forgive him. He made me believe he was someone different. But he's true colors are showing up every single day. He messed up my family. He's unmotivated. and i don't care if anyone doesn't like how it sounds. Goddammit, this is my freaking journal. And can say. I HATE MY FATHER. and it should be ok. Cause shit right now. Im so pissed. I so pissed I was jaded by my dad. He didn't let me see my mother. He would make me feel like a hooker on the street whenever I expressed my feeling for her. And now I'm stuck in a limbo. My mother and I relationship is equilivant to that of two strangers that once were in love. I hate him so much for letting it get like that. For not letting my mother get close to me with out police and lawyers being present. I remember that day rippy. That day we were in court and you told me to tell the lawyer that I want to live with my you because my mother neglects me. I cant believe you. And now when you forced me to stay away from her, and you threatened the law if she came near me, you tell me my mother was never there, You tell me that shes an undeserving bitch and you don't care if the "motherfucker dies". You're a hypocrite and our relationship is tainted now. I'm not holding a grudge. but im not gonna be your puppy. I'm not gonna be your little girl. Its done.