Random Torchwood Fic
...I don't really know where this came from. awanderingbard gave me the drabble prompt "Etiquette Lessons," and it just wouldn't stop.
Title: Etiquette Lessons
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Pairings: Well. Sort of vaguely implied future Team Torchwood/Rhys, but only vaguely implied.
Word Count: 540
Spoilers: Minor ones for 2x01
Summary: Team Torchwood reviews the rules of conduct.
Etiquette Lessons
"All right, one more time," said Jack tiredly. "Denebians?"
"Don't like the color blue," Ianto said immediately.
"Right. Altarians?"
"Won't eat any kind of seafood," Tosh piped up.
"Exactly. Seeing as how they're descended from giant shrimp. Moving on. Rigellians?"
"Should never be in the same room as…um…people from that planet I can't pronounce that starts with T."
"Close enough. I can't pronounce it either. Which leaves Owen. Arcturans, Owen."
"I know that one, give me a minute."
"Owen. You got through medical school. How hard can this be?"
"Medical school made sense. This is just random!"
"Not to the Arcturans."
"They have religious objections to even numbers at meals. Or is that odd numbers...?"
"Fifty-fifty shot, Owen, take a chance."
"Even."
Jack put his head in his hands. "And Owen causes a diplomatic incident. Again."
"Owen is a diplomatic incident," Ianto muttered.
"Give him another one, Jack, I'm sure he'll get it," Tosh said.
"Eternal optimist. Well, we could use a few more of those around here. Owen. Miss this one and you get to deal single-handedly with the next batch of Silurians that come through."
"Ugh," Gwen said. "Took us a week to clean up all the slime last time. I was washing it out of my hair for days. Miss this one, Owen, please." She grinned at him.
Owen groaned and put his head down on the table. "Go on, Harkness."
"Vegans. And if you say they don't eat meat-"
"No, no, got it, I got that one. Alcohol is poisonous to them."
"Give the man a gold star. Time to go home, people." Jack stood up and stretched.
In the moving of chairs and the rustling of papers that followed, Owen asked, "How do you know all this, Jack?"
Jack grinned. "Trial and error. Mostly error. I've caused the odd intergalactic incident myself in my time. Nothing like a roomful of offended people with very sharp claws to focus the memory."
"Ouch."
Tosh winced, and Ianto rolled his eyes. "Who did you flirt with, sir?"
"You wound me, Ianto."
"I'm not the one with the claws."
Gwen smacked their shoulders with her notebook. "Stop it, you two, or at least let me past so I can go home to Rhys."
"That was the problem, she was pair-bonded and wasn't wearing the proper jewelry," Jack said, grinning and holding Gwen's hand up where she could see the ring.
"So what did you do?" Tosh asked.
"Kissed them both, and ran."
Gwen looked at him speculatively. "Maybe you shouldn't have run," she said.
He let go of her hand. "It was the right thing to do at the time. If we ever get around to Owen's End-of-the-World orgy, though…"
"How did you hear about that? Ianto Jones, I'm going to kill you."
"That wasn't what you wanted to do at the time," Jack said, grinning and putting his hand on Owen's shoulder to discourage him from going after Ianto.
Tosh was blushing.
"Toshiko!" Gwen giggled, which set Tosh off, too.
"I am so going to get that team-building mud-wrestling one day, I can tell," Jack said to the four of them, as they headed for the door. "Tell Rhys he's invited," he called to Gwen as she left.
Title: Etiquette Lessons
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG
Pairings: Well. Sort of vaguely implied future Team Torchwood/Rhys, but only vaguely implied.
Word Count: 540
Spoilers: Minor ones for 2x01
Summary: Team Torchwood reviews the rules of conduct.
Etiquette Lessons
"All right, one more time," said Jack tiredly. "Denebians?"
"Don't like the color blue," Ianto said immediately.
"Right. Altarians?"
"Won't eat any kind of seafood," Tosh piped up.
"Exactly. Seeing as how they're descended from giant shrimp. Moving on. Rigellians?"
"Should never be in the same room as…um…people from that planet I can't pronounce that starts with T."
"Close enough. I can't pronounce it either. Which leaves Owen. Arcturans, Owen."
"I know that one, give me a minute."
"Owen. You got through medical school. How hard can this be?"
"Medical school made sense. This is just random!"
"Not to the Arcturans."
"They have religious objections to even numbers at meals. Or is that odd numbers...?"
"Fifty-fifty shot, Owen, take a chance."
"Even."
Jack put his head in his hands. "And Owen causes a diplomatic incident. Again."
"Owen is a diplomatic incident," Ianto muttered.
"Give him another one, Jack, I'm sure he'll get it," Tosh said.
"Eternal optimist. Well, we could use a few more of those around here. Owen. Miss this one and you get to deal single-handedly with the next batch of Silurians that come through."
"Ugh," Gwen said. "Took us a week to clean up all the slime last time. I was washing it out of my hair for days. Miss this one, Owen, please." She grinned at him.
Owen groaned and put his head down on the table. "Go on, Harkness."
"Vegans. And if you say they don't eat meat-"
"No, no, got it, I got that one. Alcohol is poisonous to them."
"Give the man a gold star. Time to go home, people." Jack stood up and stretched.
In the moving of chairs and the rustling of papers that followed, Owen asked, "How do you know all this, Jack?"
Jack grinned. "Trial and error. Mostly error. I've caused the odd intergalactic incident myself in my time. Nothing like a roomful of offended people with very sharp claws to focus the memory."
"Ouch."
Tosh winced, and Ianto rolled his eyes. "Who did you flirt with, sir?"
"You wound me, Ianto."
"I'm not the one with the claws."
Gwen smacked their shoulders with her notebook. "Stop it, you two, or at least let me past so I can go home to Rhys."
"That was the problem, she was pair-bonded and wasn't wearing the proper jewelry," Jack said, grinning and holding Gwen's hand up where she could see the ring.
"So what did you do?" Tosh asked.
"Kissed them both, and ran."
Gwen looked at him speculatively. "Maybe you shouldn't have run," she said.
He let go of her hand. "It was the right thing to do at the time. If we ever get around to Owen's End-of-the-World orgy, though…"
"How did you hear about that? Ianto Jones, I'm going to kill you."
"That wasn't what you wanted to do at the time," Jack said, grinning and putting his hand on Owen's shoulder to discourage him from going after Ianto.
Tosh was blushing.
"Toshiko!" Gwen giggled, which set Tosh off, too.
"I am so going to get that team-building mud-wrestling one day, I can tell," Jack said to the four of them, as they headed for the door. "Tell Rhys he's invited," he called to Gwen as she left.