my so called life.......
Am I miserable because i've changed? or have I cahnged because I'm miserable? there inlies the question I went to a part tonight and proceeded to have NO fun. I felt so out of place. everyone was drinking and was getting wasted or doin thier thing and i just sat there like a basatrd. whats my problem? seriously, where am i going wrong. even the people i thought i knew were doing things i thought i'd never dream of seeing them do, and that scared me. i'm starting to think i really am different from everyone. im not big into partying like that. maybe im not so wild and as carefree as i thought i was, and i seriously feel like that makes me a bad person/friend/whatever, but i feel like an outcast to these people who i percieve to be my friends. it's also bewen bothering me that absolutely NOONE can have jsut a good old party anymore and have fun. these bottom feeders all think that ahve to get drunk or high to have a good time. why? i ask you why? is it because they've lost all sense of what fun actually is? fun is getting wasted and passing out and puking. fun is what you do when you're all together with your friends and are laughing and having a good time just joking and making jokes, but apprently i'm the only one who hasn't lost sight of that, and that makes me sad...it really hurts me inside. i mean a few drinks is ok, but when you lose control, thats when the line is crossed. i'm sure losts of you can relate to this, when you see someone you hold in really high standards getting wasted and can't even say words right....just like her. She was there tonight, an i know she gets crazy but to actually see it really upset me, cuz i think im starting to get into her and seeing this side of her is something i don't want to see on a normal occasion. there's so many things i wanted...no that i want to say to her, but i just can'y. am i afraid? maybe, or was i just not able to because sh ewas drunk? maybe a mix of both, bu ti deffinately want her to know how i feel. i know i can come off a little strong when it comes to these things, but thats just the way i am. alos, i dont think she'd understand, but shes that type of person who could kind of be the other piece to me, be everything IM not, do the things im to afraid to do, or am to worried to do because of the repercussions, i just wish i could actually talk to her without wimping out. i feel bad that i have to rely on my friends to do things liek this for me, when i should be able to take care of them myself. i guess i just want her to know how i feel about her.....also, i wish i knew people better than i thought i did, cuz im starting to realize i dont knwo shit about anyone or anything i thought i knew.....
*goodnight all, maybe when i wake up i'll have it all figured out....hopefully
*goodnight to her also, i hope she knows how much i really do care about her
-|M|a|t|t|