(no subject)
So I'm back from it. Everything was good. Good. Couldn't have asked for anything better.
But what I am feeling right now, I can't put into words. I want to cry for no real reason. I'm frusterated, scared, hopeful. He is such an amazing person, someone who I have been looking forever for it seems, but this is so so hard. I don't know what to do. But there's not really anything I can do. It's har to explain why I feel like this, because honestly he was so good. He sang Dreamgirl in my ear during the performance, kissed my head, and held me close. It all just seems too good to be true. If I let myself go, I know that I could fall for him so incredibly easily. But in doing this I am opening myself up so much, and allowing for him to break me. He's told me repeatedly that he won't, but when things seem too good, I can't help but wonder if it's real. Damn me for being such a thinker. Rationality is good, but in situations like this, I wish I could just let myself go.
And all I want to do is talk to him about this right now, but I don't want to be one of those girls who seems like she constantly needs to be reassured, or constantly needs to talk about things, needs to express her feelings. That isn't me. And really things are still just starting, and to get so serious all the sudden? I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I've never done a relationship, mine are always no strings attached deals. Maybe that's why. Because I never open myself up and talk about how I feel. Damnit. The main thing I want to know is what he's feeling since he saw me. Is he having second thoughts? Did I come off as really distant? Is he infatuated with this dreamgirl, rather than me? And saying all these things out loud makes me sound so fucking insecure, and that's the last thing I want him to think.
But what I am feeling right now, I can't put into words. I want to cry for no real reason. I'm frusterated, scared, hopeful. He is such an amazing person, someone who I have been looking forever for it seems, but this is so so hard. I don't know what to do. But there's not really anything I can do. It's har to explain why I feel like this, because honestly he was so good. He sang Dreamgirl in my ear during the performance, kissed my head, and held me close. It all just seems too good to be true. If I let myself go, I know that I could fall for him so incredibly easily. But in doing this I am opening myself up so much, and allowing for him to break me. He's told me repeatedly that he won't, but when things seem too good, I can't help but wonder if it's real. Damn me for being such a thinker. Rationality is good, but in situations like this, I wish I could just let myself go.
And all I want to do is talk to him about this right now, but I don't want to be one of those girls who seems like she constantly needs to be reassured, or constantly needs to talk about things, needs to express her feelings. That isn't me. And really things are still just starting, and to get so serious all the sudden? I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I've never done a relationship, mine are always no strings attached deals. Maybe that's why. Because I never open myself up and talk about how I feel. Damnit. The main thing I want to know is what he's feeling since he saw me. Is he having second thoughts? Did I come off as really distant? Is he infatuated with this dreamgirl, rather than me? And saying all these things out loud makes me sound so fucking insecure, and that's the last thing I want him to think.