I am Joe's Twisted Fairy Tale
Happily Ever After
Once upon a time in a magical land there was a young girl named Cinderella who lived in a castle with her evil stepmother and two evil stepsisters.
“Lori,” Cinderella said to her evil stepmother, “I’m going to Bryan’s. I’ll be home late.”
Cinderella began to walk out the door of the castle, but just as she pushed it open she heard her evil stepmother’s voice calling from the kitchen.
“Sorry Susan, but you’re still grounded. I can’t lighten up on this one honey.”
“Jesus Christ, Lori, let it go. We’re kids, we drink, get over it.”
“Susan! What have I told you about using the Lord’s name in vain? I’m sorry, but your two weeks isn’t up. There needs to be consequences for certain actions. Now I know teenagers do silly things but I cannot just “let it go.” Don’t you see what I’m trying to do here?”
“Yeah, you’re punishing me while your two daughters are out at some lame ass lockdown at church all night.”
“Amy and Colleen have never come home drunk at four in the morning. I am not playing favorites Susan. I never have and I never will.”
“Or you’re just a selfish jealous bitch trying to ruin my life.”
The distraught Cinderella pushed past her evil stepmother and retreated to the comfort of her room. She locked the door to prevent any further abuse from the evil woman. The clock read 9:40.
“Hey Stewart.”
“Yo Susan. What’s up dude, where the hell are you? We all thought you’d be here by now.”
“Sorry, Lori is being a bitch again”
“What now, dude?”
“She caught me coming home last night.”
“And…”
“I was wasted dipshit. She gave me two full weeks. So now I’m stuck here while her two daughters are out partying.”
“Harsh, dude. You should sneak out.”
“Yeah, Lori has my keys genius.”
“Dude, call Alex, for serious. She’s covering for some Mexican dude on late shift. Talk her into borrowing her car. Alex is a sap.”
“Who?”
“She’s the chick in our chemistry class.”
“Uh…”
“You’re lab partner dude! She thinks you guys are like best friends or something.”
“Oh yeah, Alex. Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. I’ll head over to Walgreen’s.”
Cinderella heard footsteps.
“Hold up a second Stew.”
Cinderella’s evil stepmother knocked on her chamber door.
“Honey, Mrs. Flowers didn’t show up to chaperone so I’m going over to the church until midnight until Mrs. Losch gets there. I bought some of those strawberry pop tarts you like. They’re in the cabinet. No phone or TV while I’m gone Susan.”
“Yeah, later Lori. Say hi to the girls for me.”
Cinderella listened as her evil stepmother walked down the staircase and out the castle door.
“Hey, Steweart.”
“Nah dude, it’s Mickey. Stewie’s doing some bud on the lawn.”
“Well tell him I’ll be right over.”
Cinderella dug through her closet to find something appropriate to wear to the ball. The unprivileged girl was forced to wear tight undersized clothes which exposed her subtly orange skin. Cinderella escaped the confines of the castle to meet her Fairy Godmother and prepare for the ball. The clock read 10:06. Cinderella found her fairy Godmother stationed in her magical palace.
“Hey Susan! Wow, didn’t expect to see you here. I thought for sure you’d be at Bryan’s tonight. But hey, I’m glad you decided not too. Amy and Colleen told me about last week and how Lori flipped out.”
Cinderella despised her evil stepsisters.
“Well look Alex, here’s the deal. Lori took my wheels and I need a ride.”
“To where?” Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother asked suspiciously.
“Stewie is messed up and needs to get home. I’m designated driver.” Cinderella responded.
“Aren’t you still supposed to be grounded?”
“Hey, Stewie has bailed me out on a lot of shit, it’s worth the risk. Besides, Lori is out until midnight at that lockdown thing.”
“Well yeah, I guess it’s no biggie. Just bring it back here when you’re done.”
There was an awkward silence as Cinderella’s Fair Godmother gave Cinderella the rains to her carriage.
“Wait, Susan… you’re sure not staying?” Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother addressed the question to the poor tattered rags she was wearing.
“I told you, I just have to pick up Stewie. People are going to see me Alex, I’m not going over there in a sweat pants and a wife beater.”
“Okay.”
Cinderella began to walk away.
“Susan?”
Cinderella stopped.
“Yes, Alex?”
“Take these... just in case. You can park in employee only when you drop off the car. I told Amy and Colleen I’d try to be at the lockdown by four.”
That’s when Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother presented her with the glass slippers just in case the underprivileged beauty decided to stay for a dance or two. Cinderella took the slippers from her Fairy Godmother and thanked her. She got into the carriage and rode off to the ball. The clock read 10:28. Cinderella parked her carriage across the way and walked towards the ballroom. The clock read 10:39. With only a little more than one hour to dance, Cinderella began immediately to socialize with the guests and intoxicate herself in the many delights the ball had to offer. The clock read 11:00 when she went outside to get some fresh air and met a most charming prince.
“Hey, are you Susan Greene?”
Cinderella stumbled over to Prince Charming.
“Yeah. What? Uh… yeah…”
“Damn. Mickey was telling me you were hot, but I didn’t expect you’d look this good. Jesus, you have a nice ass.”
He was a most charming prince indeed.
“So, when did you get here?”
Cinderella asked Prince Charming if he wanted to dance.
“My oh my, you’re awfully quick aren’t you.” He responded.
Cinderella asked again.
“And persistent.” Prince Charming added.
Cinderella and Prince Charming ventured to a secluded area began to dance. They danced and danced and danced off in the corner of the ballroom where no one dare disturb them in their empyrean of love. They danced until the clock read 11:48. Then they danced some more.
“That was my first time,” Cinderella confessed after the music finally ended.
“You’re first and second time,” the prince corrected.
Prince Charming was ready to offer another dance, but that’s when he noticed, one of the glass slippers Cinderella brought to the ball had shattered at the tip.
“I never really knew my father,” Cinderella whispered in the prince’s ear.
Prince Charming’s eyes were transfixed on the broken slipper.
“My mother died when I was seven”
Prince Charming could not avert his eyes form the shattered tip of the slipper. Cinderella was crying now.
“I love you,” she whispered through the tears.
Then the clock struck twelve.
Cinderella panicked at the sound of the clock’s chimes. She started to head for the door.
“Wait,” Cinderella looked behind her and stumbled back to Prince Charming, “take this.”
Cinderella unclipped one of her fake earrings and placed it in Prince Charming’s hand. He was still hypnotized by the broken slipper.
“Find me,” she told the prince. “I’m way too fucked up to remember anything.”
The prince’s gaze was still locked.
“I have to go now. You’ll find me,” Cinderella was slurring her words. “I still love you.”
The clock read 12:23 when Cinderella finally arrived home. The carriage was outside the castle crushed against the tree. Cinderella stumbled through the door and was confronted by her evil stepmother.
“Susan, why? Why do you do this to me?” she was crying.
Cinderella fell to the ground.
“Why, Susan?” she screamed.
“Fuck off Lori.”
Cinderella passed out.
Back at the ball Prince Charming was out in the garden vacating his last meal the same way it came in.
“Yo, Tommy, what’s up dude.”
“Hey Stew.”
“So, I heard you got to know Susan pretty well.”
Prince Charming looked down at the object in his palm. He brought his arm back and threw it as far as he could into the moat behind the ballroom.
The clock read 12:28.
“I just got here,” the charming prince responded.