speechless..
what the fuck is wrong w. me?! y do i constantly find myself breaking down in years 4 every little thing.. what the hell is just eating up and affecting my everyday life? y cant i just function normally.. argue normally.. y have i turned into some monster that is yelling at the top of her lungs 2 any little fight and clicking on people.. and then just hysterically crying.. i dont understand myself.. my emotions are like everywhere. could i be depressed? angry? stressed? or maybe just a little bit of all.. my neck literally hurts from the stress in my life.. i just feel so alone lately.. i feel like i have no one 2 turn to. i even try explaining 2 my boyfriend my depression and he gets like mad & says "ok ill leave u alone since your so stressed" doesnt he get it? im crying out 2 him 4 help.. not 4 complaints.. i dont know what 2 do. my mom is totally being the same way.. i try 2 explain 2 her my issues.. and she like doesnt take me seriously.. i feel like in everything i do im alone.. like that talented singer trying to become famous but no one will listen.. im running out of strings 2 hold on to. i want to just pick myself up.. but i feel like i have no motives to move. i feel like the little bit of reasons i had 2 keep going are slowly fading away.. everything seems so far away.. so impossible.. theres a problem & reason behind everything 4 why it cant happen.. nothing makes sense anymore.. well it never really did.. but somehow i still smiled.. now i simply feel like putting my hair in a messy bun & bringing in the sweats. i dont know if my change of attitude is a result of the absence of my boyfriend. but then thats even scarier because i cant believe i am so dependent on my boyfriend. my mom keeps saying that we talk too much.. but doesnt she understand hes miles & miles away? if he was in miami i wouldnt find the need 2 talk 2 him all the time.. my sister comes 2morow.. & everyone thinks she should get the car the whole time shes here.. ok thats fine but wth am i supposed 2 do? but ofcoarse no one cares.. even my mom said she didnt care.. "shes here from new york let her have her fun" basically she means "fuck ur spring break & happiness" things were so much easier.. i honestly feel like no one cares about me.. no one cares why im crying.. whats hurting.. how im feeling.. no one has asked me how i am.. like truely asked me in 4ever.. im not trying 2 b self-centered & say that everyone should revolve around MY life.. but i dont think people realize how important it is 4 someone 2 feel "wanted".. appreciated.. loved.. thought about.. my bf sits here & argues w. me about how much homework i have & how i have no time 4 him.. but im trying 2 get good grades.. & all he ever does is yell and get upset.. i call him 4 atleast 3 min. just 2 let him know im still alive.. i dont know whats wrong w. me.. God please let these tears stop falling.. i dont want to hurt anymore.. i want to enjoy life.. i just want 2 smile.. i want 2 look in the mirror and smile at my reflection.. i dont get why everything has 2 be so hard and complicated.. i just need 2 have fun and set free.. get away from this world 4 awhile..