Always a Cynic
I am recently 24 years old.
I have never been in love truly, and I mean with anyone.
Two years ago I realized I don't have to like my parents just because they made me.
I am a wandering soul.
I miss things I have never had.
I drink way too much.
I fall in love with anyone who shows me the least bit of attention.
I cover my pain and sadness with weight. [which makes me sad]
I haven't spoken with with father in 5 years, except a letter I wrote him last year telling him thanks for giving me life, but i no longer wished to have contact with or know him. He carries it in his wallet, and I crushed his heart. This year on my birthday I found out he has several stages of cancer throughout his body. I now feel a huge amount of guilt. But, I am trying to stick to my guns and keep this about whats best for me and not what is going to make everyone else happy. I have always felt the need to mold my life into what was going to please others. [Well to a point..] Now, I am 24 years old, I let my mother talk me into moving back home, to a town where there is no work. Leaving me with cabin fever and a bigger whole in my heart. I have thought about this long and hard, I have weighed my options, it is time to start living life for myself. Hiding behind my weigh and fulling my needs with food is NO LONGER AN OPTION! I have never been one to think that I settle for second best, but I do. I let everyone and everything take the best of me, leaving me to deal with a shell of a mess.
I have denied myself a thousand chances at happiness. Worried so much about failing, I refused to begin. I have given so much of myself away [to random people I did not know], when I do find love, what am I going to have left to give? For years I have denied the fact that I want to get married, that I want to have babies. When my whole life that is all I have ever wanted. I have turned away the idea of getting married, belittled and bashed it, for what? I can now tell you that. If I am against it publicly, if I openly deny wanting if, if I never get it people won't see my disappointment. They won't see that inside, I yearn and pray for the day, that some prince is going to come scoop me up and love me, and let me love him.
But, instead of making myself available, I am constantly reliving and worrying about the past. I can remember every sad action I made, everything I regret saying and/or doing. But, I am taking a stand. I am going to start living for the now. I started a plan, I am working on this extra baggage I am carrying around.
Hopefully soon, I can get it all on track.
Only time will tell.
I have never been in love truly, and I mean with anyone.
Two years ago I realized I don't have to like my parents just because they made me.
I am a wandering soul.
I miss things I have never had.
I drink way too much.
I fall in love with anyone who shows me the least bit of attention.
I cover my pain and sadness with weight. [which makes me sad]
I haven't spoken with with father in 5 years, except a letter I wrote him last year telling him thanks for giving me life, but i no longer wished to have contact with or know him. He carries it in his wallet, and I crushed his heart. This year on my birthday I found out he has several stages of cancer throughout his body. I now feel a huge amount of guilt. But, I am trying to stick to my guns and keep this about whats best for me and not what is going to make everyone else happy. I have always felt the need to mold my life into what was going to please others. [Well to a point..] Now, I am 24 years old, I let my mother talk me into moving back home, to a town where there is no work. Leaving me with cabin fever and a bigger whole in my heart. I have thought about this long and hard, I have weighed my options, it is time to start living life for myself. Hiding behind my weigh and fulling my needs with food is NO LONGER AN OPTION! I have never been one to think that I settle for second best, but I do. I let everyone and everything take the best of me, leaving me to deal with a shell of a mess.
I have denied myself a thousand chances at happiness. Worried so much about failing, I refused to begin. I have given so much of myself away [to random people I did not know], when I do find love, what am I going to have left to give? For years I have denied the fact that I want to get married, that I want to have babies. When my whole life that is all I have ever wanted. I have turned away the idea of getting married, belittled and bashed it, for what? I can now tell you that. If I am against it publicly, if I openly deny wanting if, if I never get it people won't see my disappointment. They won't see that inside, I yearn and pray for the day, that some prince is going to come scoop me up and love me, and let me love him.
But, instead of making myself available, I am constantly reliving and worrying about the past. I can remember every sad action I made, everything I regret saying and/or doing. But, I am taking a stand. I am going to start living for the now. I started a plan, I am working on this extra baggage I am carrying around.
Hopefully soon, I can get it all on track.
Only time will tell.