my rant (part 1)
i have decided to update, but this entry will be as scattered as my brain currently feels.
i am craving ho-ho's spring rolls like a mofo and i am blaming Kimma and Michael for that one!
this weekend was a gong show. i am starting to feel that i was the only conference participant who did not expect politics to occur in seattle. i honestly expected a group of queer people networking, brainstorming, and healing.
that is not how it happened.
i witnessed an example of trans-phobia directed to someone who i really care about and admire and it infuriated me to no end. i was so angry that i wanted to tear the employment from the security guard, escort them out of the convention centre, and sent them to anti-oppression school.
and this was a conference which was being directed by a trans-man and is the planned venue for the FTM conference this fall.
fucking bullshit.
on another note, i have been the victim of misandry before. it is something that many people who are male-identified or male-assumed experience. but i have never experienced it on such a strong level as i did at this conference. then again, i have never gained so much support from strangers as well.
with every glare, spitting comment, or judgment that was inflicted on me, a person either publicly spoke up for me, offered to give me a hug or kiss, or expressed their gratitude that i was there.
the reason for this was because i spoke up. i made that choice on friday night when i realized that this conference for femme-identified queers was 90% female-bodied-centric. the conference focused on the invisibility of femmes in the queer community, while completely ignoring that there are visible femmes in the queer community who have been persecuted for so many years -- male-identified femmes.
i was extremely conscious not to take up too much space. i was very polite with the words that i expressed, only adding in my own personal experience and asking for guidance on issues that affect male-identified femmes.
and i usually keep quiet at events like this. i am very shy and very much an observer. i hate public speaking, but at the same time, i am an advocate for my youth and many of them are male-identified queer femmes who were unknowingly being oppressed by this behaviour.
so i spoke up.
i spoke up about the "straight-looking, straight-acting" gay man community that occurs in vancouver. about the pressures that queer boys experience having to choose between being femme or butch -- even though i feel femme stands on its own. about personally changing my own identity to try to "fit in" better. about not allowing gender to affect my attractions and not being taken seriously whenever i pursue something with a girl ("no, you're gay, not bi!"). about being gay-bashed in my elementary school at the age of 6 because i was presumed queer due to my femininity. and about how the femme community as a whole can help encourage male-identified femmes to embrace their femininity and not feel ashamed.
i was called a mysogynic.
i was told that i couldn't be femme if i was a boy.
i was told that there was no way that i couldn't have known i was queer -- due to my femininity.
i was told that the only male-identified queer femmes that they knew about were drag queens.
i was told that there were no femme groups out there that included all genders.
i was laughed at quite a bit.
actually, i became known as "that boy who spoke up". my roommate was proud to call me "her boy" whenever she heard people talk about me.
on sunday night, there was a play party event because held by the conference. it was open to everyone, except for non-trans males. even though i have been starting to identify more as gender-queer over the past six months -- as i had identified when i was younger -- and the party was open to gender-queer people, i did not feel comfortable going. but i was pushed to go. i was told that my presence was important. so i did. i dressed up and showed up. my gender was not questioned at the door, since my roommates had dressed me in a hot pink femme apron over top of my baby blue boys and girls club summer camp tshirt and baby blue truck boxer shorts and covered my eyes with blue and purple eyeshadow and glitter. i had people approach me telling me how beautiful i looked and how they didn't even recognize me at first. i also had people who just turned and glared at me for long periods of time. and when i was glared at, i did not flinch or move or anything. i just took power from their glares because i had every right to be there.
but we only stayed for an hour because of the layout of the location. it wasn't really my thing. but it was hot to watch two women fucking in front of me.
i had been encouraged to speak up at the feedback workshop on the final day of the conference. i chose to sleep instead and then go shopping for sex toys and books with a group of femmes from vancouver. i even found autographed copies of an anthology that i had written for and added my own autograph to the inside cover. that was empowering.
i also felt empowered by the support that i received from many of my peers at the conference itself. i had people giving me their contact information because they really wanted to keep in touch with me. and i met a ton of great people from vancouver, which makes me happy.
i am happy to be apart of the femme community in vancouver. i am proud that our community is able to look past gender and sexuality. i just really hope that my speaking up with help other femme communities realize their own oppressive behaviour and will encourage more male-identified femmes to take a stand.
i am craving ho-ho's spring rolls like a mofo and i am blaming Kimma and Michael for that one!
this weekend was a gong show. i am starting to feel that i was the only conference participant who did not expect politics to occur in seattle. i honestly expected a group of queer people networking, brainstorming, and healing.
that is not how it happened.
i witnessed an example of trans-phobia directed to someone who i really care about and admire and it infuriated me to no end. i was so angry that i wanted to tear the employment from the security guard, escort them out of the convention centre, and sent them to anti-oppression school.
and this was a conference which was being directed by a trans-man and is the planned venue for the FTM conference this fall.
fucking bullshit.
on another note, i have been the victim of misandry before. it is something that many people who are male-identified or male-assumed experience. but i have never experienced it on such a strong level as i did at this conference. then again, i have never gained so much support from strangers as well.
with every glare, spitting comment, or judgment that was inflicted on me, a person either publicly spoke up for me, offered to give me a hug or kiss, or expressed their gratitude that i was there.
the reason for this was because i spoke up. i made that choice on friday night when i realized that this conference for femme-identified queers was 90% female-bodied-centric. the conference focused on the invisibility of femmes in the queer community, while completely ignoring that there are visible femmes in the queer community who have been persecuted for so many years -- male-identified femmes.
i was extremely conscious not to take up too much space. i was very polite with the words that i expressed, only adding in my own personal experience and asking for guidance on issues that affect male-identified femmes.
and i usually keep quiet at events like this. i am very shy and very much an observer. i hate public speaking, but at the same time, i am an advocate for my youth and many of them are male-identified queer femmes who were unknowingly being oppressed by this behaviour.
so i spoke up.
i spoke up about the "straight-looking, straight-acting" gay man community that occurs in vancouver. about the pressures that queer boys experience having to choose between being femme or butch -- even though i feel femme stands on its own. about personally changing my own identity to try to "fit in" better. about not allowing gender to affect my attractions and not being taken seriously whenever i pursue something with a girl ("no, you're gay, not bi!"). about being gay-bashed in my elementary school at the age of 6 because i was presumed queer due to my femininity. and about how the femme community as a whole can help encourage male-identified femmes to embrace their femininity and not feel ashamed.
i was called a mysogynic.
i was told that i couldn't be femme if i was a boy.
i was told that there was no way that i couldn't have known i was queer -- due to my femininity.
i was told that the only male-identified queer femmes that they knew about were drag queens.
i was told that there were no femme groups out there that included all genders.
i was laughed at quite a bit.
actually, i became known as "that boy who spoke up". my roommate was proud to call me "her boy" whenever she heard people talk about me.
on sunday night, there was a play party event because held by the conference. it was open to everyone, except for non-trans males. even though i have been starting to identify more as gender-queer over the past six months -- as i had identified when i was younger -- and the party was open to gender-queer people, i did not feel comfortable going. but i was pushed to go. i was told that my presence was important. so i did. i dressed up and showed up. my gender was not questioned at the door, since my roommates had dressed me in a hot pink femme apron over top of my baby blue boys and girls club summer camp tshirt and baby blue truck boxer shorts and covered my eyes with blue and purple eyeshadow and glitter. i had people approach me telling me how beautiful i looked and how they didn't even recognize me at first. i also had people who just turned and glared at me for long periods of time. and when i was glared at, i did not flinch or move or anything. i just took power from their glares because i had every right to be there.
but we only stayed for an hour because of the layout of the location. it wasn't really my thing. but it was hot to watch two women fucking in front of me.
i had been encouraged to speak up at the feedback workshop on the final day of the conference. i chose to sleep instead and then go shopping for sex toys and books with a group of femmes from vancouver. i even found autographed copies of an anthology that i had written for and added my own autograph to the inside cover. that was empowering.
i also felt empowered by the support that i received from many of my peers at the conference itself. i had people giving me their contact information because they really wanted to keep in touch with me. and i met a ton of great people from vancouver, which makes me happy.
i am happy to be apart of the femme community in vancouver. i am proud that our community is able to look past gender and sexuality. i just really hope that my speaking up with help other femme communities realize their own oppressive behaviour and will encourage more male-identified femmes to take a stand.