What about trying to do it, fake it till you make it? Not books about meditation, but meditation; or just strolling or exercising the first thing in the morning before others bite into your day? And things you enjoy, how about scheduling them first? I might be on a different process from you, because I live more and more with the outlook of limited lifespan. And for health of it, I am cutting my estimates these days. Like I want to live, knowing I have ten year left. And then, all going well, I will expand that time horizon. All these achievements, they have so little value when you know to count how many days you left to live.
I am trying to do both meditation and books about meditation, because it's got to be done right to achieve maximum result, right? :)
But seriously, what you say all makes perfect sense (and I am happy to hear an advice or a comparison too). I am not there yet to countdown my life, but I am actively counting down the kids time - I have 6 years till they all go to college. Not that I'll be done then, I know it'll take at least another 10 years until they start supporting themselves, but at least I'll get some weekends back to myself :)
I really do not know what I am whining about. I have nothing to complain, it's all good. Just midlife crisis, I guess.
Most likely there is just nothing for yourself in this schedule.
Nothing which could prove you that you are really good at something you really like, something you can do way better than others, something to be proud of every day, a reason to feel good about yourself every day.
Feeling good about ourselves is what gives us a purpose in our lives. If there is nothing like this in store for us the life loses it's sense and we lose the reason to live our life in full.
Achiving maximum is a trap unless it's something you really enjoy doing, not for a sake of max.
Meditation is good and gives you a break and a different prespective. Doing something you really enjoy and feel good about is really healing and reqarding.
Do you get back at least as much as you give others at this "very interesting and fulfilling job"?
Two important things make us doing what we are doing: money and feeling good about ourselves.
In your case it may also be just buring out, when your clients save millions due to your genious solutions, and you do not get even a bite of those millions. Nobody can fulfil highly intellectual spendings with good feelings about himself or herself and great results.
20-30 clients and projects sounds way too much for any salary unless you make a couple of milllions every year and can just retire in 5 hard working years.
It can be the time when you need to re-think what you are doing and why. The compensation you get does not seem to be even close to what you give away.
p.s. I am your colleague, mathematician and web developer, build complex apps for financial industry. My second ocupation is psychology/psychotherapy, but I no longer practice.
I do get back quite a lot. I own and run a pretty big and profitable business, and make a lot of impact both personally and through my business on the industry I am in
( ... )
Something is missing, to good to be true, if you have to do all these by yourself, if you cannot re-organize or delegate in some way. Internet chat is not the best way to dig down. A good and experinece psychotherapist and some time would definitely help. I would start with identifying the actual reason for doing everything you do and your guilty feeling about not doing enough for others, but not for yourself. I would assume you've never thought about doing very important stuff that could make real diffrerence for you. Or, that you are actually doing it for yourself but cannot admit it for some reason and have to "excuse" it by doing it for others. These are just common assumptions, not necessarily related to what might have actually happened. These things do not come easy. If you have guts to look in this direction, it'll take a lot of time and insights, but it's worth of trying.
You do have something to complain because you are consumed by responsibilities and I have a feeling I can relate. I call it «топить котят» - everything is possible when the painful choice of what’s important is made, and this is a very hard choice. It is not about counting down your life, but people who are told they have a few days to live and then get healed, they come out particularly woke for the beauty of life, I was just trying to give you a flavor. This kind of boost works very well on me
( ... )
Yes, "топить котят" is a very apt analogy. Looking those kittens in the eyes, and remembering all of them at night. All the kitten massacres of all the beautiful kittens that could have been alive if only I could find an ounce of energy for each of them... :)
I do have household help, when it comes to cooking, cleaning, driving children around. I am still the family financial and travel planner and organizer of any project that has more than 3 dependencies in it (not the PM, just the organizer), but that's because no one can do this for me. Certainly no one in my family.
And regarding the escape - that's just the thing: I already have too much guilt for things I have to say no to. I very recently accepted that taking escapes is necessary, but they drive my guilt through the roof. My husband was of the opinion that if I get more rest then I will get more sane and just by that feel less guilt. But that does not work that way. At least not for me. At least not yet.
quick and tactical example: scenario a or scenario b? a - mom plans campus visits. she looks at campus websites, checks what is available for the next spring beak, which colleges have info sessions , days, times, make sure they are aligned on time and locations that include driving distances , books hotels. b - mom gets emailed (a document) itinerary for visiting 2-3 campuses a day, including registrations into the actual sessions and hotel bookings , for 3 days of the spring break ( of course aligned by time and geo, and actually optimizing the routes ). i just realized i described one of your solutions but it was totally accidental i swear :).
i just gave a real example of household admin help. in this example, i am the mom and i am follow the b. this is tactical, but does save time and there are many examples of how this help can be used.
What about trying to do it, fake it till you make it? Not books about meditation, but meditation; or just strolling or exercising the first thing in the morning before others bite into your day? And things you enjoy, how about scheduling them first? I might be on a different process from you, because I live more and more with the outlook of limited lifespan. And for health of it, I am cutting my estimates these days. Like I want to live, knowing I have ten year left. And then, all going well, I will expand that time horizon. All these achievements, they have so little value when you know to count how many days you left to live.
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ps apologies in advance if it looks like advice or comparison! all i meant to say, it it’s an outlook from a different window
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But seriously, what you say all makes perfect sense (and I am happy to hear an advice or a comparison too). I am not there yet to countdown my life, but I am actively counting down the kids time - I have 6 years till they all go to college. Not that I'll be done then, I know it'll take at least another 10 years until they start supporting themselves, but at least I'll get some weekends back to myself :)
I really do not know what I am whining about. I have nothing to complain, it's all good. Just midlife crisis, I guess.
Reply
Nothing which could prove you that you are really good at something you really like, something you can do way better than others, something to be proud of every day, a reason to feel good about yourself every day.
Feeling good about ourselves is what gives us a purpose in our lives. If there is nothing like this in store for us the life loses it's sense and we lose the reason to live our life in full.
Achiving maximum is a trap unless it's something you really enjoy doing, not for a sake of max.
Meditation is good and gives you a break and a different prespective. Doing something you really enjoy and feel good about is really healing and reqarding.
Reply
Reply
Two important things make us doing what we are doing: money and feeling good about ourselves.
In your case it may also be just buring out, when your clients save millions due to your genious solutions, and you do not get even a bite of those millions. Nobody can fulfil highly intellectual spendings with good feelings about himself or herself and great results.
20-30 clients and projects sounds way too much for any salary unless you make a couple of milllions every year and can just retire in 5 hard working years.
It can be the time when you need to re-think what you are doing and why.
The compensation you get does not seem to be even close to what you give away.
p.s. I am your colleague, mathematician and web developer, build complex apps for financial industry. My second ocupation is psychology/psychotherapy, but I no longer practice.
Reply
Reply
Internet chat is not the best way to dig down.
A good and experinece psychotherapist and some time would definitely help.
I would start with identifying the actual reason for doing everything you do and your guilty feeling about not doing enough for others, but not for yourself.
I would assume you've never thought about doing very important stuff that could make real diffrerence for you. Or, that you are actually doing it for yourself but cannot admit it for some reason and have to "excuse" it by doing it for others.
These are just common assumptions, not necessarily related to what might have actually happened.
These things do not come easy. If you have guts to look in this direction, it'll take a lot of time and insights, but it's worth of trying.
Reply
Thank you for some internet therapy :)
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I do have household help, when it comes to cooking, cleaning, driving children around. I am still the family financial and travel planner and organizer of any project that has more than 3 dependencies in it (not the PM, just the organizer), but that's because no one can do this for me. Certainly no one in my family.
And regarding the escape - that's just the thing: I already have too much guilt for things I have to say no to. I very recently accepted that taking escapes is necessary, but they drive my guilt through the roof. My husband was of the opinion that if I get more rest then I will get more sane and just by that feel less guilt. But that does not work that way. At least not for me. At least not yet.
Reply
a - mom plans campus visits. she looks at campus websites, checks what is available for the next spring beak, which colleges have info sessions , days, times, make sure they are aligned on time and locations that include driving distances , books hotels.
b - mom gets emailed (a document) itinerary for visiting 2-3 campuses a day, including registrations into the actual sessions and hotel bookings , for 3 days of the spring break ( of course aligned by time and geo, and actually optimizing the routes ). i just realized i described one of your solutions but it was totally accidental i swear :).
Reply
If mom=me, then a)
If mom is my mom, then b)
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