Party's over, and you don't look so good
Thinking about things gets me so upset. I can't help but have them on my mind a lot of the time, I'm afraid of what's going to come in the future and according to my Mom things are going to get worse before they get better. I feel really irritable & I hate complaining. My dad had a really long talk with me about everything in the car so he decided to take me upstate and out for a really late dinner. I had to hold back from crying right there so badly, I thought things would work out between them as they usually settle down, but it's not at all. When they're together it's horrible and the stress and tension piles up. My mom's pretty much hardly going to be home nowadays since she'll be in NJ most of the time. She always tells me not to listen to my dad and not to believe anything he says, yet everything's calmer when she's not here. I think she needs a good amount of time and space to do what she wants. She hardly sleeps at all and she always seems to be in a grumpy mood. My dad told me not to worry about anything but I can't help it because I'm forced to think of it every day and every time I come "home". I need to let everything out and breathe. My dad tried reassuring me that it's not because of me, nor is it because of david, but it's because they're extremely different. They both want what they want and neither is going to give up until they get it. According to my mom my dad is going to make it a vicious war and not just simple parting of ways. The more I think of both sides the more my thoughts get twisted until giant knots are made. I can relate to some things they both say but others just aren't right to me. There's a huge lack of communication and they've already seen a marriage counselor, they both tell me that they don't mean to put me in the middle of everything, but yet, they always talk to me about eachother and force me into the middle position. According to my dad if he knew this would have happened, he'd still have done the same thing because David and I are the best things that ever happened to him. But my mom said that if she knew this would have turned out like this she never would have brought any child into the world. I'm about to explode thinking of everything I know and they've told me. I can't really see clearly any way of getting out of this in one piece. I know there's so much worse in the world and so many broken families, and I hate complaining about any of this, it hit me so hard though. I can't possibly choose either side, it would be wrong. I want to go someplace far away where I don't have to worry about any problems, or dissappoint anyone. I finally regained strength and was so happy with everything, but then this situation hit me hard. I have my mom calling me all the time asking what my dad has said to me about anything, and I refuse to tell her, but then she talks to me about him in such negative ways. My dad goes "you're not a ping pong ball, and you shouldn't be bounced back and fourth", and you know what, he's right. It's not my place to be pushed into the middle of this, and neither of them have any right to push me into the middle. My mom's always stressed out and usually angry, she always blames her yelling and screaming at me on her relationship with my dad and everything else, excuse after excuse. Make it all stop. I'm sick of getting yelled at for nothing, and the opposite of being treated with actual respect. I need to talk to somebody, because this whole entry isn't going to free it all. I hate complaining so much. I can't help it this time. I'm sorry.