(no subject)
i really would like to die. not because of Keith leaving, although that hasn't helped. but because i'm starting to see a pattern in my life. anything i try really hard for ends up getting screwed up by something i have no control over. and i feel i've failed more than the average person, and it makes me feel somewhat useless and pathetic.
after bawling for hours on the phone to Keith i felt alright, and not really all that bothered. i stayed at KT's, and we spoke about it a little, i cried a couple tears. but i really was okay with it all. however now i'm home, and alone, it's starting to hit me that now i'm all alone again. and it'll be that way for a long time, because i am unloveable.
anyway, KT thinks going to see him at the weekend will help, and as i said it will give me a chance to see just what exactly i want to do from here. i'm tempted to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, because i know if we try to work things out as friends he's just going to see me as a friend. and that'll be that, and then he'll meet someone else and i'll be left feeling shit and worthless because the guy i want/love/whatever doesn't want/love/whatever me. on the other hand though, he is the only person that seems able to comfort me, the only one who can say things that actually make a difference to me. and i told him that yesterday, and when i told him i might not want to see/talk to him again he used that as a response and it made me feel worse.
i couldn't sleep last night as seeing him this weekend is scaring me already. how do i act? i'm not sure if i run up to him and hug him when i see him, or if i should avoid making any eye contact with him. i just know i'm going to cry as soon as i try and utter a single word to him, and he's never seen me cry before. on top of that, i was worrying about what to say to him. i mean, i came up with an idea that if we try it as friends, and can rediscover what made us click and can get on again, then we can get back together. and to solve the distance thing, i think it would be wise to try and see each other every week, and do something. and then, if it's still all going well, i'd move closer. i want to move anyway, and i have done for years. but telling him that might freak him out. so i don't know.
advice, anyone?
after bawling for hours on the phone to Keith i felt alright, and not really all that bothered. i stayed at KT's, and we spoke about it a little, i cried a couple tears. but i really was okay with it all. however now i'm home, and alone, it's starting to hit me that now i'm all alone again. and it'll be that way for a long time, because i am unloveable.
anyway, KT thinks going to see him at the weekend will help, and as i said it will give me a chance to see just what exactly i want to do from here. i'm tempted to tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, because i know if we try to work things out as friends he's just going to see me as a friend. and that'll be that, and then he'll meet someone else and i'll be left feeling shit and worthless because the guy i want/love/whatever doesn't want/love/whatever me. on the other hand though, he is the only person that seems able to comfort me, the only one who can say things that actually make a difference to me. and i told him that yesterday, and when i told him i might not want to see/talk to him again he used that as a response and it made me feel worse.
i couldn't sleep last night as seeing him this weekend is scaring me already. how do i act? i'm not sure if i run up to him and hug him when i see him, or if i should avoid making any eye contact with him. i just know i'm going to cry as soon as i try and utter a single word to him, and he's never seen me cry before. on top of that, i was worrying about what to say to him. i mean, i came up with an idea that if we try it as friends, and can rediscover what made us click and can get on again, then we can get back together. and to solve the distance thing, i think it would be wise to try and see each other every week, and do something. and then, if it's still all going well, i'd move closer. i want to move anyway, and i have done for years. but telling him that might freak him out. so i don't know.
advice, anyone?