Been Awhile
It's been awhile. And it's probably due to the fact that the other blogging site is down and I've resorted to handwritten entries. It's so much easier and efficient to type rather than write. my hands cant move as fast as I can think. Hence, digging this gem back up as a place to store my thoughts.
Today is laundry day, and marks the actual beginning of a week for the break. Sometimes, I feel like I dont get the purpose, and other times I agree. I guess it changes because I question the motive and reasoning. Is this really for the better for the relationship or will it ultimately lead to its demise? I guess either way, it can be positive or negative when we look back in 5 years. Perhaps, we realize we are completely wrong for each other. The distance could also make the heart grow fonder...
I find that when I'm with him, I just like being around his presence. I like his attention. And it's hard for me to accept when his attention ever gets taken away by another woman. I definitely do not want this jealousy to get the best of me. I always feel like my feelings are legitimate - that I wouldnt feel it if it wasn't based on reality. Then when I get to reason it over, I can see where my biased points of view may come from - though at the same time I can also see the dangers of certain actions/comments which can lead to something worse.
It may be that this is all based on fears due to my first, and traumatizing, experience with love. To add to it, I chose and stayed in misery as a 'friend' for months afterwards. The most shady things happened, and I was so naive to not question it. And when I did, I quickly dismissed it on the hope that his feelings were as strong as mine. That it was just a mistake or due to miscommunicatiom. Then, I find out the truth. In bits and pieces, but I do learn. And in that 1year+, I struggled emotionally. My mental and emotional well-being took a beating with every new thing I learned about this boy. And I hardened myself. I learned to not be so stupid and see things as they're happening. To see the signs of potential cheating before it happens. I became a bit cynical, and jaded. At work also, I hear these things from my co-workers and then I see their actions. And I dont know how I can trust that there will be a person who is both faithful and genuinely loving, with no need of a pretense. No need for who-can-make-the-other-more-jealous battles. No need for putting each other down or never saying a compliment, just because you're afraid of them thinking they're superior to you and want to leave you. Sure there are women who like the macho men, who they can argue with and just have crazy ups and downs.
A passionate one, some may say.
To me, passion stems from a tender-hearted man. One who's not afraid to share his fears and his loving thoughts. One who amazes me with his ability to be vulnerable. In the midst of these thoughts, I cant help but argue against this thought by saying that the above man would not only be open with me but a number of others also. Removing the parts of it that make me feel special.
And perhaps thats why the sense of touch and romanticism matters to me so much, my first taste of love had a lot of it. It made me feel special and I had incorrectly assumed that he shared in those feelings with me. While in reality, it only lasted for a couple of weeks, and he was already having sex with his ex when he ditched our prior plans to spend the holiday together. And who knows how long he had been flirting with other girls even as he said we were exclusive.
Oh I was so naive, so incredibly stupid at the time. And while I've learned about narcissism and his other dubious actions have enabled me to let go of my loving feelings towards him, I do bear some of the fading scars from that experience. I'm not proud of them. Though I used to think of everything as a positive light and see the experience as a good thing, as a whole. Now, I cant say I do. I could've had that same naivety and innocence in this current relationship, and it couldve worked out better.
Well, that's nonsense. I cant stay stuck in the past. I can only change the future. I know that this has affected my judgment. I know I'm more prone to seeing the negative side of things while barely holding on to the hope of innocence and miscommunication - a complete switch from my previous self. I don't want to be jaded, and want to believe in the goodness of people. And I think I can do it. I have an invictus spirit. And this was my first rough experience of this type. I hope I do not have to face this situation again. And to have the clarity to leave sooner rather than later.
Growing up is hard to do. Only because you can see the darkness in people now. Though I want to believe most people have good intentions, I feel that that might not be true anymore. There's always a personal agenda.
Where is the type of love where we both care and take care of each other? I want that. To pamper and be pampered.