the agony of love
quick update
um i went out with that kyle kid that my dad knew or knew his dad whatever and it was alright i suppose he took me to some party and yeah it was weird just not my kind of thing i guess. i saw motion city and that was awesome and now i have 3 new bands to love along with meeting new people, it was very hott. alex noticed me this time. we talked all night and i felt comfortable like i can make friends here. i wanted to see nathaniels endeavors so bad.....so bad i mean i waited a year to see them but u know whatever my dad just doesnt care how much i wanted to see them. that got me really upset and depressed. lately ive been laying around with nothing to do.
im really really sad right now. like im not having a good time at all. i mean i hate to say it because it goes against everything i've ever said but i miss home alot i miss lots of people at home more than ever. i think its starting to be real to me that in a year i will be losing alot. and my dad isnt being cool at all. hes really stressed out with work and stuff and he just seems to take it out on me. his girlfriend is a piece of shit and lays around sleeping all week and i dont know i hate her. im fucking pissed that my dad gives me these false promises everyday. o we'll do this dont worry but next thing i know its 11 and hes exhausted so we have to go home. today you know i had nothing to do and basicly i went swimming and sat around and my dad came home at 11 and just i dont know he didnt make me feel any better about being here. he just yells at me for laying around but really i have nothing to do i dont know what he expects of me and its just really hard being here when im so sad. i mean i love california so so so much as well as my dad but i hate it without friends, without luke, without my mom. o god i cant believe im saying this. im getting so close to my mom now more than ever. im begining to like her more that my dad. thats scary. really scary. i just hate it when my dad yells at me. i know when hes stressed he does because he just needs to release but i mean dont take it out on me. im the same way and i probably hurt other people and im sorry but after seeing the way he is i dont want to be like that anymore. its fucking 230 at home and i was so upset i called my mom and was like i cant take this mom i need to go home i dont want to be here. im not having a good time. so she said she'll talk to him when he's calm and we'll book a new flight for me early, as in tomorrow. this is good definitely but what about warped tour? what about nathaniel's endeavors? its funny that this is all i think about but warped tour was $80 and alexandra is counting on me to go with her. maybe i can stay till after warped. that would be good. and i mean i dont really want to go home. i hate home. i hate the illinois valley so much. i just miss people so much and i wish they were here. im just fucking sitting here all day just staring at myself in these fucking mirrors watching myself cry and all i want is to have the beach at home and the concerts at home and my family at home. o i feel so torn. i dont know what to do because i dont think i can be satisfied i mean i cant get everything i want. im just acting like a spoiled fucking brat who wants everything to be my way. its not like that tho. i have to choose and im beginning to wonder if this is what i really ever wanted. i mean i dotn even know how i can say, that i've wanted this from the first day i lived in peru i just wanted to be back home so bad. and i was just a kid i mean i dont think i even realized we were really going to live here i just thought it was a trip i mean everytime they told me we were living here i was like no we arent no we cant be i just wanted to see the snow you know. my fucking father...im so mad so mad im so sad and upset. hes such a fucking ass all the time. i just dont see how anyone really likes him. i mean sure be his friend but why date him? why have a fucking child with him? hes to busy for kids right. why did i ever think i was so special. oh but you know hes gonna die in 5 years right? or at least thats what he tells me all the time. who tells their kids that? i mean why i just dont get it. it just upsets me so much cuz i mean i want him to see my kids and family and be in my wedding but the way he lives it almost looks like he could be telling the truth. this gets me thinking about my grandma and how i thought she was gonna live so long i mean long enough to see my kids i mean her mother was like 100 or more when she died so i was certain she was gonna live long and then she had to die. and damn it i still dont believe shes gone. i dont want to. im fucking selfish. look at me. now im just rambling on. im done. im done with everything.
um i went out with that kyle kid that my dad knew or knew his dad whatever and it was alright i suppose he took me to some party and yeah it was weird just not my kind of thing i guess. i saw motion city and that was awesome and now i have 3 new bands to love along with meeting new people, it was very hott. alex noticed me this time. we talked all night and i felt comfortable like i can make friends here. i wanted to see nathaniels endeavors so bad.....so bad i mean i waited a year to see them but u know whatever my dad just doesnt care how much i wanted to see them. that got me really upset and depressed. lately ive been laying around with nothing to do.
im really really sad right now. like im not having a good time at all. i mean i hate to say it because it goes against everything i've ever said but i miss home alot i miss lots of people at home more than ever. i think its starting to be real to me that in a year i will be losing alot. and my dad isnt being cool at all. hes really stressed out with work and stuff and he just seems to take it out on me. his girlfriend is a piece of shit and lays around sleeping all week and i dont know i hate her. im fucking pissed that my dad gives me these false promises everyday. o we'll do this dont worry but next thing i know its 11 and hes exhausted so we have to go home. today you know i had nothing to do and basicly i went swimming and sat around and my dad came home at 11 and just i dont know he didnt make me feel any better about being here. he just yells at me for laying around but really i have nothing to do i dont know what he expects of me and its just really hard being here when im so sad. i mean i love california so so so much as well as my dad but i hate it without friends, without luke, without my mom. o god i cant believe im saying this. im getting so close to my mom now more than ever. im begining to like her more that my dad. thats scary. really scary. i just hate it when my dad yells at me. i know when hes stressed he does because he just needs to release but i mean dont take it out on me. im the same way and i probably hurt other people and im sorry but after seeing the way he is i dont want to be like that anymore. its fucking 230 at home and i was so upset i called my mom and was like i cant take this mom i need to go home i dont want to be here. im not having a good time. so she said she'll talk to him when he's calm and we'll book a new flight for me early, as in tomorrow. this is good definitely but what about warped tour? what about nathaniel's endeavors? its funny that this is all i think about but warped tour was $80 and alexandra is counting on me to go with her. maybe i can stay till after warped. that would be good. and i mean i dont really want to go home. i hate home. i hate the illinois valley so much. i just miss people so much and i wish they were here. im just fucking sitting here all day just staring at myself in these fucking mirrors watching myself cry and all i want is to have the beach at home and the concerts at home and my family at home. o i feel so torn. i dont know what to do because i dont think i can be satisfied i mean i cant get everything i want. im just acting like a spoiled fucking brat who wants everything to be my way. its not like that tho. i have to choose and im beginning to wonder if this is what i really ever wanted. i mean i dotn even know how i can say, that i've wanted this from the first day i lived in peru i just wanted to be back home so bad. and i was just a kid i mean i dont think i even realized we were really going to live here i just thought it was a trip i mean everytime they told me we were living here i was like no we arent no we cant be i just wanted to see the snow you know. my fucking father...im so mad so mad im so sad and upset. hes such a fucking ass all the time. i just dont see how anyone really likes him. i mean sure be his friend but why date him? why have a fucking child with him? hes to busy for kids right. why did i ever think i was so special. oh but you know hes gonna die in 5 years right? or at least thats what he tells me all the time. who tells their kids that? i mean why i just dont get it. it just upsets me so much cuz i mean i want him to see my kids and family and be in my wedding but the way he lives it almost looks like he could be telling the truth. this gets me thinking about my grandma and how i thought she was gonna live so long i mean long enough to see my kids i mean her mother was like 100 or more when she died so i was certain she was gonna live long and then she had to die. and damn it i still dont believe shes gone. i dont want to. im fucking selfish. look at me. now im just rambling on. im done. im done with everything.