(no subject)
Written in my actual journal sometime between a sleepless yesterday and a tired today
It's been a long time since I wrote in here, and I know I said that last time I wrote in this journal too. But last time was different, last time was all happiness and rose petals, all kisses and sunshine. You remember it as well as I do, finally finding the one person who could look past it all and love you. Look past the bullshit and the physical, and see you for who you are. Except they apparently didn't see anything except a fun ride and a free meal ticket out of the hell they eventually decided they prefer to living with you. But some people get so many second chances it's sad, while others like me end up face first in the mud no matter how many times they try. I remember writng the entries that used to preceed this one in my journal (I burned them all the nite things went sour, and prolly cried over the ashes), and I remember the excitement and happiness I felt. After all these years, I'd found her. My sweet companion, my partner in crime, my confident, my deviant twin; My everything. I saw what I wanted, and I took it, not even caring about who I left on the broken hearted list (re: her old bf). But a relationship rooted in cheating and deception often seems to end in the same manner. I told her that, but she assured me I was different, and that she had changed. Just one head of the two-headed beast spouting lies, or at the very best, hopeless promises. But to me, the words didn't really matter, as I sat there zoning out anyways, lost completly in the pools of emerald ocean known as her eyes. It seemed never fail, but in the end I can see it was doomed from the start. The arguing, the curing it all with sex, her attitude stemming from years of mistreatment and abuse. Who was I to think that me loving her, that one decent person being there for her no matter what would be enough. Enough to help her through it all, and come out the other side without the anger and bitterness that seemed to permeate one half of her soul. I remember aguing with her the day before she moved in, so bad we were at each others throats almost, but I just ignored the signs I guess.
Why wouldn't I? I had a beautiful girl who seemingly loved me and wanted me for me, without change, without reservations. A lover, a friend, a confident, a partner in deviancy. I was blinded, blinded by her beauty, something that still haunts my dreams to this day. But mostly, I felt that my ill-concieved notion of love could solve it all. And now I realize this just led me to do the two things I'd vowed I would never do in a relationship.
1. I'd never try to change a person, no matter how little.
and
2. I'd never hang onto love or a relationship, I'd never cling to it, when I knew deep down it was gone already. Yet in the end I did that, clinging to the solitary shred of hope like a captain going down with his ship.
I broke both of these rules wholly and completly. I guess love does strange things to the mind. But I was lonely, so lonely, that I looked past her imperfections and the warning signs because I wanted her, and because regardless of what she thinks, I really did love her. I loved her smile, I loved her devious nature, I loved her laughter, I loved her sweetness crossed with a sense of danger and crazyness. I lover her hair, and how it felt running through my fingers while she slept. I loved how she almost purred beside me while she slept, like a mischevious little kitten dreaming about her next big scheme. I loved how beautiful her body looked to me, her back, her neck, her cute wiggly toes, and everything else you assumed I would mention. It was like I could see the bright sky full of stars in her eyes, and her body was a milky white heaven of earthly delights. And when it was good with us, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. The way we connected, and the endless conversations we would have. Just talking for hours, arguing our differing viewpoints, and just enjoying each others company. The feelings in my chest, the tightness that never seemed to leave, the anger, the sadness; it all dissapeared when I just held her. And here I am, making everything sound grandiose as usual. The true romantic in me sees it that way I guess. It's just that simple, that after a while you seem to only remember the good times and forget everything else. I loved her, I really did, I loved how she made me feel, I loved how we fit together, and I loved having her around.
I blindly loved her, believing that if I loved her, then that was all we needed. That we could conquer the world, so to speak. I loved her so much and I wanted her so much, and now its over. My blind faith lead to heartache and pain like I've never felt before, and hope I never do again. I often wonder if that saying is true: Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? If that's true, it sure doesn't feel like it still. But either way, it's over, and I can't just keep writing about it, keep talking about it forever. But the thing is, for all her faults, even after what she did in the end, I still miss her. I still miss the way she smelt, the way she tasted, the way she felt in my arms. There is no accounting for human nature, some people just feel like home, and to me she felt like home. But I can't pine for her forever, and though I miss her, if she showed up on my doorstep tommorow, I wouldn't take her back. Why? Because I know it wouldn't work now. I can see past the blindess, and I can realize now that for all we had in common, for all that was good and amazing, it just didn't work out. It just wasn't meant to be, and no amount of work on either of our parts was or is ever going to change that.
What is the point here? The point of my endless ranting? I guess I'm just finally starting to feel like I'm done with it, done with feeling for her finally. Yes I know it was technically done with over a month ago, but her suddent departure just didn't allow me to get the closure I so desperately needed, and I still think that I deserved. Me ranting on her blog entries didn't help, and it still makes me sad that my last words to her physically ("Fucking bitch!") were said with so much anger and hatred. I don't hate her, as much as I want to, as much as I'd like to, I just can't. Whether she thinks so or not, I treasure the time we spent together, and I was truly happy with her, even with all the bullshit and the fighting. She understood me, she got me at face value like no one I've ever met. Why she did, I can't really explain, she just did. Well, I think we got each other, and for a brief period of time, we were together. We were in love and the sky was the limit. But quicker than you ever expect, dreams turn to reality, and it all comes crashing down. It's life, we learn like test subjects, trial and error all the way. And I'm not accquitted of all the guilt either, I made just as many mistakes as her I'm sure, especially in her eyes. But in the end, it's just over, it's just the end. It's over and I can sit here pining for her for years, or I can move on and try and find someone else. Life won't stop for you, and you can't mourn forever. Will I have my bad days where I think of her, or dream of her and miss her? Yes, I most certainly will. But I hope I can learn to welcome the memories of her with open arms, like an old friend from the past, remembered dearly from time to time.
In my anger when she left, I pretty much removed all evidence of her existence. I burned the journal entries, I burned the pictures, and I deleted any messages she'd ever sent me. I erased her, and yet somehow, she still permeated my thoughts and dreams. And I suddenly realized that I don't want to delete her, I don't want to forget her. I want to treasure the memories of our time together because I will always remember that time with a fondess. I will always remember her with a fondnesss. I still have one picture I took of us together, both of us smiling with our arms wrapped around each other and looking like neither of us had a care in the world. I don't intend on ever gettting rid of that picture, and I've really glad I didn't find it when I was so angry. When I look upon it now, I feel happy for the time I had with her, not matter how it ended, no matter what happened. I think I will look on that picture from time to time for a long time to come.
Maybe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. The experience, the feelings, the memories, those never do die. And you take the lessons you learned and you move forward. What else can you do but keep moving forward. Levae the anger and the sadness behind, and just let it all go. Remember the good times, cause that is what was meant to be remembered.
Good Riddance
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's been a long time since I wrote in here, and I know I said that last time I wrote in this journal too. But last time was different, last time was all happiness and rose petals, all kisses and sunshine. You remember it as well as I do, finally finding the one person who could look past it all and love you. Look past the bullshit and the physical, and see you for who you are. Except they apparently didn't see anything except a fun ride and a free meal ticket out of the hell they eventually decided they prefer to living with you. But some people get so many second chances it's sad, while others like me end up face first in the mud no matter how many times they try. I remember writng the entries that used to preceed this one in my journal (I burned them all the nite things went sour, and prolly cried over the ashes), and I remember the excitement and happiness I felt. After all these years, I'd found her. My sweet companion, my partner in crime, my confident, my deviant twin; My everything. I saw what I wanted, and I took it, not even caring about who I left on the broken hearted list (re: her old bf). But a relationship rooted in cheating and deception often seems to end in the same manner. I told her that, but she assured me I was different, and that she had changed. Just one head of the two-headed beast spouting lies, or at the very best, hopeless promises. But to me, the words didn't really matter, as I sat there zoning out anyways, lost completly in the pools of emerald ocean known as her eyes. It seemed never fail, but in the end I can see it was doomed from the start. The arguing, the curing it all with sex, her attitude stemming from years of mistreatment and abuse. Who was I to think that me loving her, that one decent person being there for her no matter what would be enough. Enough to help her through it all, and come out the other side without the anger and bitterness that seemed to permeate one half of her soul. I remember aguing with her the day before she moved in, so bad we were at each others throats almost, but I just ignored the signs I guess.
Why wouldn't I? I had a beautiful girl who seemingly loved me and wanted me for me, without change, without reservations. A lover, a friend, a confident, a partner in deviancy. I was blinded, blinded by her beauty, something that still haunts my dreams to this day. But mostly, I felt that my ill-concieved notion of love could solve it all. And now I realize this just led me to do the two things I'd vowed I would never do in a relationship.
1. I'd never try to change a person, no matter how little.
and
2. I'd never hang onto love or a relationship, I'd never cling to it, when I knew deep down it was gone already. Yet in the end I did that, clinging to the solitary shred of hope like a captain going down with his ship.
I broke both of these rules wholly and completly. I guess love does strange things to the mind. But I was lonely, so lonely, that I looked past her imperfections and the warning signs because I wanted her, and because regardless of what she thinks, I really did love her. I loved her smile, I loved her devious nature, I loved her laughter, I loved her sweetness crossed with a sense of danger and crazyness. I lover her hair, and how it felt running through my fingers while she slept. I loved how she almost purred beside me while she slept, like a mischevious little kitten dreaming about her next big scheme. I loved how beautiful her body looked to me, her back, her neck, her cute wiggly toes, and everything else you assumed I would mention. It was like I could see the bright sky full of stars in her eyes, and her body was a milky white heaven of earthly delights. And when it was good with us, it was like nothing I've ever experienced. The way we connected, and the endless conversations we would have. Just talking for hours, arguing our differing viewpoints, and just enjoying each others company. The feelings in my chest, the tightness that never seemed to leave, the anger, the sadness; it all dissapeared when I just held her. And here I am, making everything sound grandiose as usual. The true romantic in me sees it that way I guess. It's just that simple, that after a while you seem to only remember the good times and forget everything else. I loved her, I really did, I loved how she made me feel, I loved how we fit together, and I loved having her around.
I blindly loved her, believing that if I loved her, then that was all we needed. That we could conquer the world, so to speak. I loved her so much and I wanted her so much, and now its over. My blind faith lead to heartache and pain like I've never felt before, and hope I never do again. I often wonder if that saying is true: Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? If that's true, it sure doesn't feel like it still. But either way, it's over, and I can't just keep writing about it, keep talking about it forever. But the thing is, for all her faults, even after what she did in the end, I still miss her. I still miss the way she smelt, the way she tasted, the way she felt in my arms. There is no accounting for human nature, some people just feel like home, and to me she felt like home. But I can't pine for her forever, and though I miss her, if she showed up on my doorstep tommorow, I wouldn't take her back. Why? Because I know it wouldn't work now. I can see past the blindess, and I can realize now that for all we had in common, for all that was good and amazing, it just didn't work out. It just wasn't meant to be, and no amount of work on either of our parts was or is ever going to change that.
What is the point here? The point of my endless ranting? I guess I'm just finally starting to feel like I'm done with it, done with feeling for her finally. Yes I know it was technically done with over a month ago, but her suddent departure just didn't allow me to get the closure I so desperately needed, and I still think that I deserved. Me ranting on her blog entries didn't help, and it still makes me sad that my last words to her physically ("Fucking bitch!") were said with so much anger and hatred. I don't hate her, as much as I want to, as much as I'd like to, I just can't. Whether she thinks so or not, I treasure the time we spent together, and I was truly happy with her, even with all the bullshit and the fighting. She understood me, she got me at face value like no one I've ever met. Why she did, I can't really explain, she just did. Well, I think we got each other, and for a brief period of time, we were together. We were in love and the sky was the limit. But quicker than you ever expect, dreams turn to reality, and it all comes crashing down. It's life, we learn like test subjects, trial and error all the way. And I'm not accquitted of all the guilt either, I made just as many mistakes as her I'm sure, especially in her eyes. But in the end, it's just over, it's just the end. It's over and I can sit here pining for her for years, or I can move on and try and find someone else. Life won't stop for you, and you can't mourn forever. Will I have my bad days where I think of her, or dream of her and miss her? Yes, I most certainly will. But I hope I can learn to welcome the memories of her with open arms, like an old friend from the past, remembered dearly from time to time.
In my anger when she left, I pretty much removed all evidence of her existence. I burned the journal entries, I burned the pictures, and I deleted any messages she'd ever sent me. I erased her, and yet somehow, she still permeated my thoughts and dreams. And I suddenly realized that I don't want to delete her, I don't want to forget her. I want to treasure the memories of our time together because I will always remember that time with a fondess. I will always remember her with a fondnesss. I still have one picture I took of us together, both of us smiling with our arms wrapped around each other and looking like neither of us had a care in the world. I don't intend on ever gettting rid of that picture, and I've really glad I didn't find it when I was so angry. When I look upon it now, I feel happy for the time I had with her, not matter how it ended, no matter what happened. I think I will look on that picture from time to time for a long time to come.
Maybe it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. The experience, the feelings, the memories, those never do die. And you take the lessons you learned and you move forward. What else can you do but keep moving forward. Levae the anger and the sadness behind, and just let it all go. Remember the good times, cause that is what was meant to be remembered.
Good Riddance
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.