(no subject)
i'll take a brief interruption from my disturbing schedule to shout a holler. its funny, i was reading my old diary about a week ago and i realized how much i changed. Not only my grammar/word usage but also the kind of person i've become and the mental/emotional/physical stability that i've maintained. i was angry. i was unsettled. and there was things that was going on that was beyond, yet completely in, my own control. it was funny to hear about the relationship with my mother and how much my family life sucked, even though when i think about it now, it wasn't that bad. but then again, isn't everything the end of the world when youre a teen? its just stark and funny and scary all at once, and i dunno.....i feel kinda cool with the person who i am, even though i feel as if nothings changed but my underware (and that's only barely).
i was thinking last night (when i should have been sleeping to prepare for my 8am final) that maybe i should contact my father. i miss him. i want a nice relationship with him, even though im complacent playing the bitch. i dont want to pretend that there was no beef between us, and i feel like i will smooth it over if i speak to him. i am a big emotional baby, especially with him, and i feel like im 12. i'm 20 freaking years old and his still my daddy, not my "father". he still holds my hand when we cross the street and tickles me and i dunno. it all makes me sad when i think about it because i feel like i had a lot of good experiences with him, but financially he's been less than stellar. i want to tell him how thats effected me. i want to tell him how ive missed that boat with him and i cant over the phone. i was thinking to write a letter but i dont want him thinking there's this midday drama going on. but im thinking about it and i think i will.
my relationship has been going well. unbelieveably well. we talk to each other, our communication is great, he cares for me, we make fart jokes, its awesome. he annoyed me as of late and i dunno.....i sometimes realize his lack of experience and/or age (i think its more so the experience part, hes only a year younger, but hes a guy so its like dog years with them) and it frustrates me. Over the 10months that we've been together we never had a fight, but there has been some frustrations. word useage, phone protocol, annoying habits, that sorta thing. my secret girl jedi mind trick strategery doesn't work because he's never really been in the situation to decode all of those things. this is his first real, i-love-you relationships, so all of the "no, i dont want you to call" "i'm fine" double talks is completely foreign to him, and when even the most basic was lost on him, i had to walk him through it instead of hatching my master plan. so that stuff, is whatever, but i dunno....for the most part its a learning experience for both of us. I've had my freakouts and reacted to things he's done that were rather innocent but i felt he was being deceitful or nefarious in one way or the other because that was the way my ex (no refered as the ruiner of lives) acted. so there's that emotional toll because in a way im reacting to the land mines that were buried before the new people moved in and now he's the one who has to reset them all. I feel bad. and it shows. usually the reaction goes like this; i react-he's confused-he apologizes-i spaz-i spaz again,but because i realize im completely psycho-he does the woo woo woo dance-i cry and say how a horrible person i am-i say how insecure i am and how i dont want to judge him against my past-i stop crying-i cry some more about how insecure i am-i tell him im learning-he says he doesnt think im crazy and he loves me-i tire myself out and go to sleep. this is the nature of things. and i feel TRULY sorry, because i dont wanna be that person. i want to judge him on his own merit, which is kinda sexy if i dont say so myself. he's a wonderful, caring person, and i wouldn't want to jump through the hoops that the last chick set up. so im learning and im trying and he knows this, so hopefully thats good enough. we're both learning so i guess thats ok. we're just starting from two different starting points.
im currently annoyed with this amazing man, not so much anymore, but i was. over nothing at all serious. another thing with him is that he doesnt like fighting or being mad in general, so he gets upset and he blows over it pretty fast, and then he expects me to be over it as well. so he coddles me, and whispers his i love yous, but im stubborn and i dont wanna hear all that mess. i wanna be mad. so im stuck being the spoil sport (which makes me more annoyed) while he's off watching sportcenter somewhere. but when i trail off being the annoying girlfriend, i stop myself. BECAUSE I HATE being that person. i want to be cool and relaxed, not groucho marx. its whatever, i still win at the end (because he spoils me and im a brat and then he tells me im not and kisses my forehead. i miss him. i want him in my bed). he's final-ing it up right now and i wont see him until saturday afternoon so ima chillax and kiss my hand and watch mind numbing tv, read my washington post then focus on the blogs and inet addictions that shakens my soul. its my life, im just a player in it.
guess what-i'm almost a senior, don't tell anyone (including myself)!
on a much realer note, i might be able to go to london at the end of spring semester(!). How hot shit is that?! my professor is hosting a study abroad program from the last week in may to the second week in june, so it would be like 3 weeks, but it would also provide 3 credits (that i so need) and the chance to parlay in london and norway. fun shit right? he said he could score us a $500 scholarship, which is water in the barrel but still something, so i told my mom about it and she said to apply and see what happens. so i am so doing so. I'm gonna prolly apply after the semester is over, and then get to work on study abroad scholarhship apps-but CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!! that would be, the beyond in beyond and would make my effing LIFE. because even if i sadly never make it out of the country i'd still have my little chunk of london to hold near and dear to my heart. it would be the bees knees so we'll see.
TELL ME. what you thinkin about when you got me waitin patiently i wanna party/drink/be a complete hoochie. but my bed feels quite nice too. hmm. time to squander. love ya boos.
<3ciaobella
i was thinking last night (when i should have been sleeping to prepare for my 8am final) that maybe i should contact my father. i miss him. i want a nice relationship with him, even though im complacent playing the bitch. i dont want to pretend that there was no beef between us, and i feel like i will smooth it over if i speak to him. i am a big emotional baby, especially with him, and i feel like im 12. i'm 20 freaking years old and his still my daddy, not my "father". he still holds my hand when we cross the street and tickles me and i dunno. it all makes me sad when i think about it because i feel like i had a lot of good experiences with him, but financially he's been less than stellar. i want to tell him how thats effected me. i want to tell him how ive missed that boat with him and i cant over the phone. i was thinking to write a letter but i dont want him thinking there's this midday drama going on. but im thinking about it and i think i will.
my relationship has been going well. unbelieveably well. we talk to each other, our communication is great, he cares for me, we make fart jokes, its awesome. he annoyed me as of late and i dunno.....i sometimes realize his lack of experience and/or age (i think its more so the experience part, hes only a year younger, but hes a guy so its like dog years with them) and it frustrates me. Over the 10months that we've been together we never had a fight, but there has been some frustrations. word useage, phone protocol, annoying habits, that sorta thing. my secret girl jedi mind trick strategery doesn't work because he's never really been in the situation to decode all of those things. this is his first real, i-love-you relationships, so all of the "no, i dont want you to call" "i'm fine" double talks is completely foreign to him, and when even the most basic was lost on him, i had to walk him through it instead of hatching my master plan. so that stuff, is whatever, but i dunno....for the most part its a learning experience for both of us. I've had my freakouts and reacted to things he's done that were rather innocent but i felt he was being deceitful or nefarious in one way or the other because that was the way my ex (no refered as the ruiner of lives) acted. so there's that emotional toll because in a way im reacting to the land mines that were buried before the new people moved in and now he's the one who has to reset them all. I feel bad. and it shows. usually the reaction goes like this; i react-he's confused-he apologizes-i spaz-i spaz again,but because i realize im completely psycho-he does the woo woo woo dance-i cry and say how a horrible person i am-i say how insecure i am and how i dont want to judge him against my past-i stop crying-i cry some more about how insecure i am-i tell him im learning-he says he doesnt think im crazy and he loves me-i tire myself out and go to sleep. this is the nature of things. and i feel TRULY sorry, because i dont wanna be that person. i want to judge him on his own merit, which is kinda sexy if i dont say so myself. he's a wonderful, caring person, and i wouldn't want to jump through the hoops that the last chick set up. so im learning and im trying and he knows this, so hopefully thats good enough. we're both learning so i guess thats ok. we're just starting from two different starting points.
im currently annoyed with this amazing man, not so much anymore, but i was. over nothing at all serious. another thing with him is that he doesnt like fighting or being mad in general, so he gets upset and he blows over it pretty fast, and then he expects me to be over it as well. so he coddles me, and whispers his i love yous, but im stubborn and i dont wanna hear all that mess. i wanna be mad. so im stuck being the spoil sport (which makes me more annoyed) while he's off watching sportcenter somewhere. but when i trail off being the annoying girlfriend, i stop myself. BECAUSE I HATE being that person. i want to be cool and relaxed, not groucho marx. its whatever, i still win at the end (because he spoils me and im a brat and then he tells me im not and kisses my forehead. i miss him. i want him in my bed). he's final-ing it up right now and i wont see him until saturday afternoon so ima chillax and kiss my hand and watch mind numbing tv, read my washington post then focus on the blogs and inet addictions that shakens my soul. its my life, im just a player in it.
guess what-i'm almost a senior, don't tell anyone (including myself)!
on a much realer note, i might be able to go to london at the end of spring semester(!). How hot shit is that?! my professor is hosting a study abroad program from the last week in may to the second week in june, so it would be like 3 weeks, but it would also provide 3 credits (that i so need) and the chance to parlay in london and norway. fun shit right? he said he could score us a $500 scholarship, which is water in the barrel but still something, so i told my mom about it and she said to apply and see what happens. so i am so doing so. I'm gonna prolly apply after the semester is over, and then get to work on study abroad scholarhship apps-but CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!! that would be, the beyond in beyond and would make my effing LIFE. because even if i sadly never make it out of the country i'd still have my little chunk of london to hold near and dear to my heart. it would be the bees knees so we'll see.
TELL ME. what you thinkin about when you got me waitin patiently i wanna party/drink/be a complete hoochie. but my bed feels quite nice too. hmm. time to squander. love ya boos.
<3ciaobella