bad day
its hard to think well of urself wen u hear someone you thought u were close to..especailly if its someone u've known ur whole life call u a 'no hoper' who has done nothing worth while and is going no where.
pretty much this is maybe the most hurtfull thing this person has ever said..and i dont think they even know that i know.
pretty much i hate talking about this stuff. but i want to get it out..and not many ppl even read this so..watever.
yeah pretty much thats how i feel about myself.
but today after a long phone call to helen i kinda realise that.. well they are kinda wrong. and maybe sometime soon they might see that. maybe i will link them to this page so they can read.
yes, i fucked up my uni entery test by being drunk.
yes, i didnt go to uni wen i actually got in coz i was lazy.
yes, i quit my full time job becoz i was drunk all the time.
yes, i dropped out of tafe becoz id rather stay in bed and feel sorry for myself.
the people who knew me last year tho, would know that ive come a long way from where i was at that point in my life. i look back now and crindge at wat i use to be like.
so ive been 'clinically depressed' and ive been to councelling for a drinking problem. its nothing i claim. like getting over these things. and its a hard thing to do.
so i dont have a university degree.
and atm i dont have a job.
its not the easiest thing for me to get out of bed most days.
and mostly i like to pretend that i am another kind of person with out these kinds of problems.
and im not hardcore. and im not being put away for mental problems. its nothing that a normal person wouldnt over come.
sometimes i take steps backwards. like.. sometimes i let these things get the better of me. probably like this past month. and i know its stupid and i know i can be better than it all.. but wen i compare myself to my friends.. the ones that have jobs, and go to uni, and are travelling around the world on there holidays..and then there is me, and im sitting around and mum is wondering if she should be hiding the razor blades agian.
and i feel so inadequate.
and i hate it. coz its not the kind of person i want to be. and its not the kind of person i want to know either.
and it is my fault. but i AM trying to change those things.
and i have some small triumphs. like i can have alcohol in my house without drinking it. mum has kept a bottle of vodka in the cupboard for a year since i said that i was better, and i havent opened it once yet. and i have no need to. its just going to sit there.
that symbloise that i have enough will power now not to drink just because its there. and u might think its a bit weird. but there was a stage wen i would drink anything, like cooking brandy and vanilla essence just to get a little drunk before i went to school.
And the fact that for a month last year i wouldnt move from my bed. i would cry every day. over something i thought i wasnt ever going to get over.. wen now i look back on it and laugh. and i dont have any intention of letting myself ever feel like that again.
the fact that there was a stage wen everyone in my family and close friends thought that i was probably going to try to kill myself (*crindge), and every time i didnt return a phone calls or answer they would send someone to check on me. my mum would hide the razor blades and i wasnt loud to save my legs, would have to spend half of every second day 'talking' to some about how i felt and was hardly ever even left alone. any time anything went wrong i would curl into a little ball in my closet and cry until someone found me.
that now, im home alone for a week, i can shave my legs wen ever i want, mum doesnt hide the razores and wen i dont answer my phone no one thinks its becoz ive died. and wen i have a problem i dont cry about it. and i never sit in my closet ever.
i think that, im not a great person. and i know that i dont feel sorry for myself. and that it will take me a lot longer to be somebody better than wat i probably am. but i have come a long way and hardly anyone really knows this.
and i wish i was more like the people around me.
and it makes it hard to believe in myself sometimes. becoz i let these things happen to me. and it was my choice.
but seeing as ive seen the worst in myself at least i know that i wont be going there again.
and that is why, wen a good friend says something like that, that is why i get upset.
and i DIDNT want this journal to ever be an emo journal. so this is the last time i will talk about it.
i just wanted this person to know that, obviously in some ways im not a 'no hoper'. not as much as i use to be. and that they shouldnt say things to my grandma coz obviously i will find out.
i know that im going some place. just with smaller steps than everyone else.
is that so bad?
so um on a happier note- i might be back in brisbane by the weekend..for about a week or two.
hopefully.
:)
pretty much this is maybe the most hurtfull thing this person has ever said..and i dont think they even know that i know.
pretty much i hate talking about this stuff. but i want to get it out..and not many ppl even read this so..watever.
yeah pretty much thats how i feel about myself.
but today after a long phone call to helen i kinda realise that.. well they are kinda wrong. and maybe sometime soon they might see that. maybe i will link them to this page so they can read.
yes, i fucked up my uni entery test by being drunk.
yes, i didnt go to uni wen i actually got in coz i was lazy.
yes, i quit my full time job becoz i was drunk all the time.
yes, i dropped out of tafe becoz id rather stay in bed and feel sorry for myself.
the people who knew me last year tho, would know that ive come a long way from where i was at that point in my life. i look back now and crindge at wat i use to be like.
so ive been 'clinically depressed' and ive been to councelling for a drinking problem. its nothing i claim. like getting over these things. and its a hard thing to do.
so i dont have a university degree.
and atm i dont have a job.
its not the easiest thing for me to get out of bed most days.
and mostly i like to pretend that i am another kind of person with out these kinds of problems.
and im not hardcore. and im not being put away for mental problems. its nothing that a normal person wouldnt over come.
sometimes i take steps backwards. like.. sometimes i let these things get the better of me. probably like this past month. and i know its stupid and i know i can be better than it all.. but wen i compare myself to my friends.. the ones that have jobs, and go to uni, and are travelling around the world on there holidays..and then there is me, and im sitting around and mum is wondering if she should be hiding the razor blades agian.
and i feel so inadequate.
and i hate it. coz its not the kind of person i want to be. and its not the kind of person i want to know either.
and it is my fault. but i AM trying to change those things.
and i have some small triumphs. like i can have alcohol in my house without drinking it. mum has kept a bottle of vodka in the cupboard for a year since i said that i was better, and i havent opened it once yet. and i have no need to. its just going to sit there.
that symbloise that i have enough will power now not to drink just because its there. and u might think its a bit weird. but there was a stage wen i would drink anything, like cooking brandy and vanilla essence just to get a little drunk before i went to school.
And the fact that for a month last year i wouldnt move from my bed. i would cry every day. over something i thought i wasnt ever going to get over.. wen now i look back on it and laugh. and i dont have any intention of letting myself ever feel like that again.
the fact that there was a stage wen everyone in my family and close friends thought that i was probably going to try to kill myself (*crindge), and every time i didnt return a phone calls or answer they would send someone to check on me. my mum would hide the razor blades and i wasnt loud to save my legs, would have to spend half of every second day 'talking' to some about how i felt and was hardly ever even left alone. any time anything went wrong i would curl into a little ball in my closet and cry until someone found me.
that now, im home alone for a week, i can shave my legs wen ever i want, mum doesnt hide the razores and wen i dont answer my phone no one thinks its becoz ive died. and wen i have a problem i dont cry about it. and i never sit in my closet ever.
i think that, im not a great person. and i know that i dont feel sorry for myself. and that it will take me a lot longer to be somebody better than wat i probably am. but i have come a long way and hardly anyone really knows this.
and i wish i was more like the people around me.
and it makes it hard to believe in myself sometimes. becoz i let these things happen to me. and it was my choice.
but seeing as ive seen the worst in myself at least i know that i wont be going there again.
and that is why, wen a good friend says something like that, that is why i get upset.
and i DIDNT want this journal to ever be an emo journal. so this is the last time i will talk about it.
i just wanted this person to know that, obviously in some ways im not a 'no hoper'. not as much as i use to be. and that they shouldnt say things to my grandma coz obviously i will find out.
i know that im going some place. just with smaller steps than everyone else.
is that so bad?
so um on a happier note- i might be back in brisbane by the weekend..for about a week or two.
hopefully.
:)