Revenge is a dish ...

[techno_pagan]

Can we kill him? Willow’s question was honest and direct. The tips of my fingers carefully stroked her beautiful red tresses as she cuddled close. A small smile danced across my lips, this was her first and only attempt at comfort that I’d seen. I felt special that she had reached out to me. I closed my eyes to burn the memory of this on my soul,

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[eternally_ozs]

I don't know why I trusted her so much, I don't know what made her different than everyone else. I did know one thing, I knew that I could count on her, more than I could ever count on my family. I mean don't get me wrong, I love my parents, its kind of required, but I don't think I could go to them with something like this. I don't think my mom would do for me what Jenny is.

I sometimes wondered if I was just in my parents way, I wondered if they really wanted me around. I didn't wonder that with Jenny, it isn't like I was going to ask her to take me in, but I just knew that she longed to teach me, to show me things that I longed to know. I felt like she loved to have me around.

I don't know why this was something that I focused on, I don't know why of all the things on my mind at the moment this was the most important thing. It was like I needed to focus on this, work this out in my mind. It was better than thinking about him, about Angelus tearing into me and making me his. I didn't realize that I had begun to think outloud, to voice my concerns over Oz and my relationship now that I was claimed by Angelus.

"Can Oz really love me now that I was taken and used by someone else?"

I thought this and apperently said it outloud. I could tell this by the look on Jenny's face. What is worse is what my thoughts let out next. I couldn't stop with that one thought, I continued on..voicing everything that ran through my mind.

"Will I ever really be loved by anyone again? Has Angelus tainted me forever?"

Since I apperently asked this outloud I looked to Jenny waiting to see what she says. I wanted her to tell me that things would be perfect again, that I would be ok, that I would be able to let Oz touch me without trembling, that I would be able to even laugh again. I miss that...I want the old me back.

[techno_pagan]

She was in so much pain both physically and emotionally, "Can Oz really love me now that I was taken and used by someone else?" her quiet voice cut the silence, and then with more urgency she asked, "Will I ever really be loved by anyone again? Has Angelus tainted me forever?"

She looked to me to make everything better. But this wasn’t a spreadsheet with a circular reference, or a database with had been indexed incorrectly, this was life, not a computer and the answers weren’t that easy.

“Willow,” I began honestly, “I don’t know what is in Oz’s heart, I can’t speak for him,” I continued praying to the goddess for the right words, the wisdom of my Nana.

I sucked in my breathe as I finished what I’d started, “but if he is the man I think he is, he’ll mourn it wasn’t him, his heart will hurt for you, but the love that fills his soul for you hasn’t changed. I’d imagine he wants to kill Angelus right now, and for him, you have to find that place within you to be strong.”

Lacing my fingers through hers, I gave her a smile, “Nothing in the world lasts forever Willow, except for possibly love. Has he tainted you forever? Well little one, that is totally up to you.”

[eternally_ozs]

Oddly that answer was enough for me. I could totally relax knowing that. I slowly sat up and looked at her in the eyes.

"Jenny..I will be happy again...right?"

I asked looking at her.

"If we reinsoul him, and he is Angel again, I will be ok with that right?"

I continued as a few tears fell. I was almost past the point of crying, past the time of being able to mourn the loss of my innocence. I was almost to the point where I wanted to seek revenge, but also making Angel want to seek absolution. To make Angel beg me to forgive him for what he did, and me holding the power of forgivness.

I know that deep down inside that is insane and petty, yet I don't care. I want this to have a benefit. I lost my innocence so he needs to lose some dignity.