I haven't written here in a long time
Deserting my online journal should have clearly read to me as a warning sign about losing track of myself. Well, not really. But I haven't been doing any of the things I used to do. For a while now I've sort of been slipping away into this that and the other social engagement.
I've left no time for myself. It's been a year since I took any photos. I have been reading some but not nearly enough. I haven't to a museum or actively sought out new music in months. Really the last couple years I've been headed slightly downhill in this direction.
I think this trend has finally hit bottom.
I've had some unfortunate experiences recently. The sequences of events in my life that brought me here are tangled and largely uninteresting. I think for my own good though I'll attempt to sum up some of the things that have changed in my life and how...but not now.
For now, I will settle for a resolution:
To get serious about bettering myself, by actually taking care of and investing in my personal well being.
I talk about it a lot. And often I say that life is about positive self change. It's sort of like how I talked about how fucking fat I was for a long time before I did anything about it. It's an annoying pattern. At least I get there though.
It is somewhat depressing to consider what it all had to come to. I've seriously let down not only myself but someone I love very much.
I will cook more. I will keep my personal space tidier...more homely. I live in piles of clothes in a fairly barren space. I've made some improvements but I think this would help me more than I'd given the thought credit for in the past. I will keep clean - the toilet will be cleaned tonight! I will read. I will smoke and drink less. Get in touch with friends i've lost contact with. Spend more time doing things i like - hiking, camping, whatever.
Really. Just listen to myself more. I spend a lot of time busying myself as to keep from being alone with my thoughts. I'd hardly realized this until recently.
I don't know at this moment whether I need to stay or go. I am still conflicted and confused about leaving. I don't want to run away from problems or bail on anything more without finishing. but...i recognize that life doesn't work that way.
so...I guess I'll just have to wait and see where my adjusted attitude takes me.
I've left no time for myself. It's been a year since I took any photos. I have been reading some but not nearly enough. I haven't to a museum or actively sought out new music in months. Really the last couple years I've been headed slightly downhill in this direction.
I think this trend has finally hit bottom.
I've had some unfortunate experiences recently. The sequences of events in my life that brought me here are tangled and largely uninteresting. I think for my own good though I'll attempt to sum up some of the things that have changed in my life and how...but not now.
For now, I will settle for a resolution:
To get serious about bettering myself, by actually taking care of and investing in my personal well being.
I talk about it a lot. And often I say that life is about positive self change. It's sort of like how I talked about how fucking fat I was for a long time before I did anything about it. It's an annoying pattern. At least I get there though.
It is somewhat depressing to consider what it all had to come to. I've seriously let down not only myself but someone I love very much.
I will cook more. I will keep my personal space tidier...more homely. I live in piles of clothes in a fairly barren space. I've made some improvements but I think this would help me more than I'd given the thought credit for in the past. I will keep clean - the toilet will be cleaned tonight! I will read. I will smoke and drink less. Get in touch with friends i've lost contact with. Spend more time doing things i like - hiking, camping, whatever.
Really. Just listen to myself more. I spend a lot of time busying myself as to keep from being alone with my thoughts. I'd hardly realized this until recently.
I don't know at this moment whether I need to stay or go. I am still conflicted and confused about leaving. I don't want to run away from problems or bail on anything more without finishing. but...i recognize that life doesn't work that way.
so...I guess I'll just have to wait and see where my adjusted attitude takes me.