[my apologies]

[_let_me_down]

i will not lie, not this time.
you asked me to turn my back
on someone i considered a friend
i couldn't do that
not with a clear conscience.
maybe i was mad
maybe i did lash out
but that never meant
not even for a second
that i didn't mean what i said.
never for a second did i lie
about the way i felt to you.
not once.
we both know you.
you will choose sides
make this a battle
we'll both come out with scars.
but who
tell me who has traveled
down this painful road
not once not twice
but the entire way with you.

so if an apology is what u wanted
or if an apology is what u were expecting
this is my public apology
my public announcement
i did care
i do care
i always will care
no matter what hurtful things
come out of your mouth
no matter how many times you
say you hate me
ill never feel the same.
time i gave you
time i didnt want to give
not the way things were
i questioned myself as always
was i the problem?
according to you then, no.
according to you now, maybe.
who really know.
all i really know is that everything u said
everything.
right down to your last comment back
about a friendship going too far
or feelings that were felt
in unchartered waters
feelings i never knew even existed
dont mean anything.
the past is just that
you have nothing left to prove
and neither should i

im here when u need me, and you know
where to reach me.

you know how you can tell im being honest,
im talking to you. i was never not honest with you. it was everyone else i fronted to, maybe i wasnt ready for everyone to know i cared about you again
i let you back in
but the bullshit stops here.

whether u cared or you didnt
whether those were words of spite
or words of truth
ill never know
because you'll never be the one
to ever utter the words
that u made my sister promise to show me.

i miss the days where my biggest worry was what you would think