She Walks Across The Land Where The Ocean Meets The Sand...
...Like She's Walking On A Tight Rope In A Circus
So, I live in the Outer Banks now. I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, it's beautiful, and close to Matt's family, but on the other hand, it's not my suburbia with malls and lots of famous food chains; there's no grassy parks or huge trees; and living down here doesn't give me the 'free and easy beachy escape' feel that it use to give me. It really is a culture shock for me to live here. The closest mall is 2 hours away, the only restaraunts anyone would know of down here are outback and applebees, and it's all craby-grassy between sand piles. I used to love the fresh air down here, and the peaceful time-less feeling. Now I feel defensive when I see overly sunburned torists grabbing whats left of the pop-tarts and microwave pizza from the grocery store, when all i'm looking for is a lunch for work tomorrow and toothpaste. Everyone drives 30mph to look at everything when all i want to do is get home and throw my shoes off. I never get to go to the beach, because I work a 40hr week, and on my days off i'm grocery shopping, stopping by the bank, going by the post office, filling up on gas and doing laundry-- or it's cloudy or raining.
And I'm not even going to mention how friend-less I am. How the closest I can get to "omg guess what happened today?!" is Jenny, Matt's Aunt, who is usually busy with her 2 kids till bed time, where we make ourselves a tall drink and talk about our day while we wait for Matt to get off work... which is another problem.
Matt works at night, usually gets there around 3 or 5, and stays there till 10 or 11... and I go to work from 10am to 6... and never see the kid. Over 12 hours a day where I'm not with him, and after that, we're sleeping. Did I mention this is 5 or 6 days a week.... work work work...
Which is were I am right now. Sitting in a cold little store stocked full with lots of over priced soaps, candles, pj sets, panties and bras. I'm lucky if 10 people stop by the store all day (no one needs help looking for lingerie anyway), and luckier if I sell more than $200 worth of stuff(mostly everyone is 'just looking')... so on the plus side, I'm reading alot more. Currently in Eat, Pray, Love (just started it today).
I really wish I was insightful enough to over analyze poems or read complex books and come away with so much more than just frustration. I wish I could put into words how I feel about things, without sounding dumb. Intelligence is not really one of my stronger personality traits. I doubt it even makes the top 10. I think in that category, I'd fall under Average. It's not even something I was taught to strive towards. The only thing I can really bring to the table, is appreciation. I can read a poem and enjoy the word choice and the rythym, even if I don't understand the reason behind every perenthesis (though I try to--). I can look at a painting and love the colors they chose, or the use of light...
well, all I can do is love it. All I can see the world through is my rose-tinted glasses, instead of a microscope, or a magnifying glass, or even a telescope....
I want to be so many different types of people, and live so many different lives, it would seem unfair to try to squish them all into one. So at this sandy sunbathed road I stand on, with so many posibilities, which do I take? Oh, and mind you, after I paid rent this past week, I only have .25 in my account... (till I get paid in 2 days). So, that might hinder the choices. Oh yeah, and I have to stay with Matt... none of my choices are without him. Pretty much, as long as he is in fact, in my life, it's not really important where it goes.
What 21 year old already wants to settle down...
I'm impatient.
I'm an impatient 21 year old who can't make decisions.... but wants everything all at once.
I'm such a glutton for happiness... but the weird thing is, i'm usually less than content.
This would be alot easier if I just said "UGH!" and everyone knew everything I was feeling in a matter of seconds.
UGH for how uncomfortable I feel in the stagnant position my life has sat into.
UGH for how excited I am for it to start forward again into something wonderful.
UGH for how many people I can't see on a daily basis that I miss so much.
UGH for that wonderful feeling I get when I make something delicious and eat too much.
UGH for how bad I want to just absorb the sun on the beach for JUST AN HOUR OR TWO....
UGH for how jealous I feel when a tear rolls down my cheek when I hear a piano solo.
UGH for how disgustingly smitten I still am over Matt after almost 5 years of being together.
UGH for impatience and longing all at once.
2 more hours of work to go...
"When you figure out that love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small..."
EDIT: I just edited my LJ layout, so it's nolonger about long nights and theatre class, it's about bright colors and sunshine... I just read my last 20 lj entries... and oh my god. i miss school, and my life at school... SO. MUCH. I missed the free glen food and listening to 80's songs with erin at night and feeling accomplished everyday when i did my 4 hour drawing homework. i loved all my classes... and i really really did love school... if i had the money, there's no doubt in my mind that i wouldnt have moved here for another 2 years... if i would have even moved here at all... sometimes you really wonder what the world has in store for you... and you really hope its a good one, or else you're gonna be pissed that you missed something that could have been more wonderful than what actually happened... well im ready for it... wheres my something better?
So, I live in the Outer Banks now. I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, it's beautiful, and close to Matt's family, but on the other hand, it's not my suburbia with malls and lots of famous food chains; there's no grassy parks or huge trees; and living down here doesn't give me the 'free and easy beachy escape' feel that it use to give me. It really is a culture shock for me to live here. The closest mall is 2 hours away, the only restaraunts anyone would know of down here are outback and applebees, and it's all craby-grassy between sand piles. I used to love the fresh air down here, and the peaceful time-less feeling. Now I feel defensive when I see overly sunburned torists grabbing whats left of the pop-tarts and microwave pizza from the grocery store, when all i'm looking for is a lunch for work tomorrow and toothpaste. Everyone drives 30mph to look at everything when all i want to do is get home and throw my shoes off. I never get to go to the beach, because I work a 40hr week, and on my days off i'm grocery shopping, stopping by the bank, going by the post office, filling up on gas and doing laundry-- or it's cloudy or raining.
And I'm not even going to mention how friend-less I am. How the closest I can get to "omg guess what happened today?!" is Jenny, Matt's Aunt, who is usually busy with her 2 kids till bed time, where we make ourselves a tall drink and talk about our day while we wait for Matt to get off work... which is another problem.
Matt works at night, usually gets there around 3 or 5, and stays there till 10 or 11... and I go to work from 10am to 6... and never see the kid. Over 12 hours a day where I'm not with him, and after that, we're sleeping. Did I mention this is 5 or 6 days a week.... work work work...
Which is were I am right now. Sitting in a cold little store stocked full with lots of over priced soaps, candles, pj sets, panties and bras. I'm lucky if 10 people stop by the store all day (no one needs help looking for lingerie anyway), and luckier if I sell more than $200 worth of stuff(mostly everyone is 'just looking')... so on the plus side, I'm reading alot more. Currently in Eat, Pray, Love (just started it today).
I really wish I was insightful enough to over analyze poems or read complex books and come away with so much more than just frustration. I wish I could put into words how I feel about things, without sounding dumb. Intelligence is not really one of my stronger personality traits. I doubt it even makes the top 10. I think in that category, I'd fall under Average. It's not even something I was taught to strive towards. The only thing I can really bring to the table, is appreciation. I can read a poem and enjoy the word choice and the rythym, even if I don't understand the reason behind every perenthesis (though I try to--). I can look at a painting and love the colors they chose, or the use of light...
well, all I can do is love it. All I can see the world through is my rose-tinted glasses, instead of a microscope, or a magnifying glass, or even a telescope....
I want to be so many different types of people, and live so many different lives, it would seem unfair to try to squish them all into one. So at this sandy sunbathed road I stand on, with so many posibilities, which do I take? Oh, and mind you, after I paid rent this past week, I only have .25 in my account... (till I get paid in 2 days). So, that might hinder the choices. Oh yeah, and I have to stay with Matt... none of my choices are without him. Pretty much, as long as he is in fact, in my life, it's not really important where it goes.
What 21 year old already wants to settle down...
I'm impatient.
I'm an impatient 21 year old who can't make decisions.... but wants everything all at once.
I'm such a glutton for happiness... but the weird thing is, i'm usually less than content.
This would be alot easier if I just said "UGH!" and everyone knew everything I was feeling in a matter of seconds.
UGH for how uncomfortable I feel in the stagnant position my life has sat into.
UGH for how excited I am for it to start forward again into something wonderful.
UGH for how many people I can't see on a daily basis that I miss so much.
UGH for that wonderful feeling I get when I make something delicious and eat too much.
UGH for how bad I want to just absorb the sun on the beach for JUST AN HOUR OR TWO....
UGH for how jealous I feel when a tear rolls down my cheek when I hear a piano solo.
UGH for how disgustingly smitten I still am over Matt after almost 5 years of being together.
UGH for impatience and longing all at once.
2 more hours of work to go...
"When you figure out that love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small..."
EDIT: I just edited my LJ layout, so it's nolonger about long nights and theatre class, it's about bright colors and sunshine... I just read my last 20 lj entries... and oh my god. i miss school, and my life at school... SO. MUCH. I missed the free glen food and listening to 80's songs with erin at night and feeling accomplished everyday when i did my 4 hour drawing homework. i loved all my classes... and i really really did love school... if i had the money, there's no doubt in my mind that i wouldnt have moved here for another 2 years... if i would have even moved here at all... sometimes you really wonder what the world has in store for you... and you really hope its a good one, or else you're gonna be pissed that you missed something that could have been more wonderful than what actually happened... well im ready for it... wheres my something better?