(no subject)
I know no one looks in this stupid thing anymore so I guess why bother considering whether or not to make this private. What's new? Nothing. What's Old? Me. Okay, self loathing is only about to begin. Usually the way this goes is I harshly and accurately critique my life and view of it, in a way so honestly that maybe one or two souls can actually relate. Then, I build myself back up into calm optimism. Hm. I have little faith in the latter part of the routine.
I'm 26 now, and feel amazingly old, amazingly bored, and, pretty hopeless. Its so hard to know whether I am a sleeping giant, or a just a shadow. I think it hurts to know that others have lost faith and have also completely moved on from our friendships. I don't know why I go on. Well, that's not true, yes I do. It's because I'm afraid to try anything else, from scratch. I wouldn't even know what else to do. I see so many people around me, try, and it seems like they're failures, but they just can't seem to admit it. It's hard to say who is more pathetic. Me or them. Or maybe we all think this but don't tell each other. I don't know. Tonight I said "I can't fantasize anymore. It hurts too much." It hurts to dream big. And at this point, I'm running not on motivation, but on habit. Interesting. At least habits are harder to shake.
I feel this need to create something. I mean, my demo reel was to have this piece to say "Hey, I can act." and, I have that now. But now I want something else. Something more uninhibited and less focused on creating a marketing tool, which is what the reel was, of course. And yes I can use whatever new thing I create to be on future reels, but I'm trying really hard not to make it about that.
I'm sure there are many struggling artists out there that say they do it for the art. If that were the case, why try and aim to be so lucrative about it? You can create art anywhere, with anything. This specifically pertains to those trying to make an artistic living in the entertainment industry. Maybe the issue is that so many of us want our art to solve ALL our problems. Mainly, shitty ass jobs. Maybe we ask too much of our art. Our art, and our talent, may perhaps, owe us nothing. That we have the ability to create art might be the only thing we should ask for.
"I want to create something different, be someone different, but that is well-accepted by the masses so I can also be rich, or at least, make a living."
- douche/me
And us actors will spend years investing in this crap. Thinking we are noble. Yes, any art can be noble, but not every person is. I think it's important to be fully aware of just how big your ego is so its not something you have to fight against. Something you can accept and say "yes, i am ambitious, I am good at what i do, and i want to be recognized accordly for it."
When I reach a state of (close to) absolute honesty with myself, I think I am at least as close as I'll ever be to create something unique.
My Truths, as of this day:
1. There is no God. There is just us.
2. We are the product of our environments.
3. There is still room for free will, or at least randomness.
4. I want to be rich.
5. I don't think I will be rich unless I dig inside myself enough to pull something out that is true (MAYBE MY BEATING HEART!!!!). That's the only thing that is novel (not talking about my beating heart anymore). Whatever it is. like i said, I'd have to dig. I don't know what's in there.
6. I still might not be rich
7. Time is against me.
8. I'm American, which means I'm materialistic, I want ipad2's and shit, and also have urges to gloat about good news on facebook to prove to others my life is cool. I am not noble enough to say "I use facebook to share my life with others, and to have others share their lives with me." No, that would not be true. Although, I rarely have great news to share, if i get some, I will fight hard not to post it on facebook.
9. I don't know why I resist deleting my facebook account. Wait, yes I do.
10. I hate hearing about anyone's dedication to whatever it is they do, unless I've seen really good work from them, for 1 of 2 reasons. 1. Their devotion diminishes mine. 2. It is an insult to my own dedication.
11. I spend too much time worrying about my life, and not enough time working on it, which is why I feel exhausted, yet have little to show for it.
12. I'm half white. But under social settings, not white at all. and I ask myself, "why is it so important you be identified as being white?" Answer: "So I can say I AM mainstream. Hire me for high paying acting jobs just for that." I want to cash in on my white-ness, and yet I can't. Which is probably a good thing for my character as when did I decide to start taking freebies? I don't know, but Andrew Giordano now accepts visa, mc, and freebies.
--------------
So anyway, back to trying to figure out just what the hell I'm trying to create. Leaving out the fact that all the ideas in my head, would take forever to produce, shoot and edit. I don't know what to do. My demo reel took almost 3 years. Mainly because I started out not really knowing wtf I was doing. I created that to show I could be a part of something good. However, I haven't been apart of anything good. So i guess I have to take the next step and simply put myself in something good. Sans paycheck.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I really should just start with the basics. I have myself, and I have a camera. Not a bad start. I can shoot in the apartment, or in my car. or a park...Maybe apartment. monologue. Phone conversation.
Okay. The story may start there.
I'm 26 now, and feel amazingly old, amazingly bored, and, pretty hopeless. Its so hard to know whether I am a sleeping giant, or a just a shadow. I think it hurts to know that others have lost faith and have also completely moved on from our friendships. I don't know why I go on. Well, that's not true, yes I do. It's because I'm afraid to try anything else, from scratch. I wouldn't even know what else to do. I see so many people around me, try, and it seems like they're failures, but they just can't seem to admit it. It's hard to say who is more pathetic. Me or them. Or maybe we all think this but don't tell each other. I don't know. Tonight I said "I can't fantasize anymore. It hurts too much." It hurts to dream big. And at this point, I'm running not on motivation, but on habit. Interesting. At least habits are harder to shake.
I feel this need to create something. I mean, my demo reel was to have this piece to say "Hey, I can act." and, I have that now. But now I want something else. Something more uninhibited and less focused on creating a marketing tool, which is what the reel was, of course. And yes I can use whatever new thing I create to be on future reels, but I'm trying really hard not to make it about that.
I'm sure there are many struggling artists out there that say they do it for the art. If that were the case, why try and aim to be so lucrative about it? You can create art anywhere, with anything. This specifically pertains to those trying to make an artistic living in the entertainment industry. Maybe the issue is that so many of us want our art to solve ALL our problems. Mainly, shitty ass jobs. Maybe we ask too much of our art. Our art, and our talent, may perhaps, owe us nothing. That we have the ability to create art might be the only thing we should ask for.
"I want to create something different, be someone different, but that is well-accepted by the masses so I can also be rich, or at least, make a living."
- douche/me
And us actors will spend years investing in this crap. Thinking we are noble. Yes, any art can be noble, but not every person is. I think it's important to be fully aware of just how big your ego is so its not something you have to fight against. Something you can accept and say "yes, i am ambitious, I am good at what i do, and i want to be recognized accordly for it."
When I reach a state of (close to) absolute honesty with myself, I think I am at least as close as I'll ever be to create something unique.
My Truths, as of this day:
1. There is no God. There is just us.
2. We are the product of our environments.
3. There is still room for free will, or at least randomness.
4. I want to be rich.
5. I don't think I will be rich unless I dig inside myself enough to pull something out that is true (MAYBE MY BEATING HEART!!!!). That's the only thing that is novel (not talking about my beating heart anymore). Whatever it is. like i said, I'd have to dig. I don't know what's in there.
6. I still might not be rich
7. Time is against me.
8. I'm American, which means I'm materialistic, I want ipad2's and shit, and also have urges to gloat about good news on facebook to prove to others my life is cool. I am not noble enough to say "I use facebook to share my life with others, and to have others share their lives with me." No, that would not be true. Although, I rarely have great news to share, if i get some, I will fight hard not to post it on facebook.
9. I don't know why I resist deleting my facebook account. Wait, yes I do.
10. I hate hearing about anyone's dedication to whatever it is they do, unless I've seen really good work from them, for 1 of 2 reasons. 1. Their devotion diminishes mine. 2. It is an insult to my own dedication.
11. I spend too much time worrying about my life, and not enough time working on it, which is why I feel exhausted, yet have little to show for it.
12. I'm half white. But under social settings, not white at all. and I ask myself, "why is it so important you be identified as being white?" Answer: "So I can say I AM mainstream. Hire me for high paying acting jobs just for that." I want to cash in on my white-ness, and yet I can't. Which is probably a good thing for my character as when did I decide to start taking freebies? I don't know, but Andrew Giordano now accepts visa, mc, and freebies.
--------------
So anyway, back to trying to figure out just what the hell I'm trying to create. Leaving out the fact that all the ideas in my head, would take forever to produce, shoot and edit. I don't know what to do. My demo reel took almost 3 years. Mainly because I started out not really knowing wtf I was doing. I created that to show I could be a part of something good. However, I haven't been apart of anything good. So i guess I have to take the next step and simply put myself in something good. Sans paycheck.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I really should just start with the basics. I have myself, and I have a camera. Not a bad start. I can shoot in the apartment, or in my car. or a park...Maybe apartment. monologue. Phone conversation.
Okay. The story may start there.