Analysis of the funeral scene.

[_lavinia_]

So.  This is for my own benefit - partly driven by an impulse to write it for myself, and also to make it public so I know that other people can see this, so they know I do, actually, have a higher standard in writing than I show in the funeral scene.

Because it was v. interesting - when I first wrote and finished the funeral scene (which was all done in a relatively short amount of time), I was in love with it.  Not all of it, but I thought the dialogue, particularly, was brilliant.  Then I typed it up, started editing, got it back from the beta's - and it had faded a lot.  Then, finally, the last time I was going to read it over before posting - I started reading, and realized in horror that the introductory paragraphs, with all the description, were downright awful.

And of course, I could have decided not to post it after all, and keep it back and work on re-writing it - but I had just been through two rounds of editing with my beta, and I was just so anxious to get my first Hellsing fic (and some kind of story at all, since it’s been ages since I’ve posted anything) out.

But now I’m going to make a list here of what I specifically find wrong with my scene, along with a list of what I think is decent.  I think this will be very valuable to myself later on, so I can look back and see what I valued and did not value in my writing, and how soon I feel this when I write something.

What is less than perfect:

• A blanket of low, dark grey clouds covered the sky from horizon to horizon, giving the impression that it was closer to dusk than what it really was - noon.  It seemed eerily quiet, like if anything was spoken it would not be heard, to the huddles of people who were gathered in small groups across the northeast corner of land on the Hellsing estate, which was the family cemetery.
  
  I try to read this objectively.  The first sentence - well, I can't say exactly what it is, but there's something about it that gives me misgivings.  The second - ah, that's a lot more clearly flawed.  The phrase "like if anything was spoken it would not be heard" - it was originally "like anything spoken would not be heard," and I changed it at almost the last minute.  I still don't know, now, which is better.  I also feel that the whole sentence runs on a bit.  Or more than a bit.
  
  
• Only two made no attempt to seek such comfort.
  
  Dramatic.  Too dramatic for neutral third-person, omniscient narration.  But I could not, for the life of me, think of a better way to put it - especially since I just used the word "tried" in the previous sentence.
  
  
• The mourners looked from time to time at her small, rigid figure with a mixture of pity and a little awe.
  
  Another sentence that suffered an inordinate amount of angst.  From the very first time I wrote it, I wanted it to say something like "...with a mixture of pity, as though at something slightly pathetic that was trying too hard to be taken too seriously, and a little awe."  Obviously, it's awkward for "and a little awe" to be tacked on after such a long phrase.  Also, when I was re-reading it for one of the last times before posting, I suddenly realized that the part about "a little awe" was really - not good.  I was afraid that it would sound biased (from the author's point of view), and that the readers (well, especially my friends who know that I am partial to Integra's character) would roll their eyes when they read it.
  
  
• His red trench coat and hat would have drawn everyone’s attention, but he was some distance away, leaning against the back wall of the Hellsing mansion with his hat half-tilted over his face and his arms crossed.
  
  I originally liked that sentence.  Well, originally it didn't have the part about his hat in it at all, and then it was put in there in the editing process, and now I have the feeling that it makes the sentence almost too long, and kinda loses the dramatic part about his arms being crossed.
  
  
• Despite the weather, the guests were slow to approach Integra and pay their last respects.  At last, the other knights of the Round Table walked past her in a single, formal line.
  
  There's nothing wrong with the first sentence, but the two combined...I think the problem is having two short phrases, ending in commas, beginning each.  Hm.
  
  
• Without looking at him, Sir Islands said
  ...
  Sir Islands glanced back at him, over his left shoulder, before answering
  
  At first, I was not bothered at all by the contrast in his answers here - in fact, I found them perfectly natural.  Then, in one of the last read-overs, I felt like the readers might get the impression that there was supposed to be something implied here, some sort of difference in Sir Islands' relationship with the two knights, when in fact that's not supposed to be the case at all.
  
  
• Integra faced her headmaster, deputy headmistress, and head of House in turn with the same impassive expression, handshake, and words with which she had faced everyone who had previously passed her.  Dumbledore, however, had not yet let go of her hand; he was looking down at her, his eyes more somber than she could ever remember seeing them before.
  
  I am privately pleased that I found the word "impassive;" had much difficulty realizing that that was the word I wanted.  And there's nothing overtly wrong with these two sentences, I suppose; only that the little description concerning Dumbledore's eyes reads very, very much as a cliche to me now - after being sunk so much into Harry Potter canon and fanfic, undoubtedly.  We are obsessed with Dumbledore's eyes and the many things they do.  However, it is true that she had never seen him more somber, and I really would not (at this moment, anyway) take that out.
  
  
• ...Integra nodded, distantly hearing her father’s rasping voice ordering her to return to school until she completed her seventh year.
  
  “I will be staying in school until I finish my N.E.W.T.s,” she said now to Dumbledore.  “But there might be occasions when I will have to leave the school for short periods of time, if there is a situation here that needs my presence.”
  
  I originally liked that first sentence a lot more than I do now.  As for the second paragraph - my immediate reaction is still, "That's far too stilted."  But I still believe it's realistic and IC for her to say those lines.
  
  
• ...Alucard answered; everything about him, from his posture to the expression in his eyes, voice, and grin - which was not diminishing in the slightest - indicated great amusement.
  
  I still have this vague feeling that I really, really should take the phrase between the dashes out.  However, I feel it relates to what he just said, that the topic of conversation isn't enough to damper his mood, and that's why it stayed.  For now.
  
  
• Most of the guests were gone now; there was still Sir Islands and a couple of other knights standing together by the edge of the cemetery.
  
  ...WTF?  I just now caught that grammatical error, of "was."  Will change in original Word document, but not in the entry in which the scene was posted.
  
  
• Integra fought it hard, clenching her gloved hands into fists where they hung at her sides, pressing her lips together and squeezing her eyes shut, but two tears escaped anyway and slid down her cheeks.
  
  I would propose to this sentence, if only there was not the word "anyway."  But do I think it is at fault so much to take it out?
  
  
• The lack of a title.  That's starting to become very annoying now.

What is decent:

• A merciless, persistent wind, sharp with cold, cut across the cemetery, driving the mourners into tight huddles in a hopeless attempt to avoid the worst of the weather.
  
  Not bad description.
  
  
• • Integra Hellsing stood without moving beside her father’s freshly-buried grave, her back and shoulders stiffly upright.  She was wearing a very thick black cloak, dark gloves, a scarf wrapped tightly around her throat, and a dark round hat from which hung a veil of black lace before her face.
  • The color of his clothes was muted in the additional shadows of the building, and few noticed him.
  
  
  There is nothing wrong with those two sentences.  I'm even a little bit proud of the third one.  "Muted" is an excellent verb.
  
  
• “With genes, I won’t argue,” said Sir Hardcastle firmly, nearly tripping over a large, rough patch of grass, “but personally, I am not reassured on the point of Sir Arthur having taught her to a degree anywhere near sufficient for her to competently lead Hellsing when she’s of age.  History shows that the best kings and leaders leave the worst children, more often than not.  Besides, when would he have taught her?  The girl’s twelve -“
  
  “Thirteen,” corrected Sir Islands quietly, “and she will be fourteen in April.”
  
  “Even so - she’s been away at school for the past few years, and before that - good heavens, she’s still a child!”
  
  “No one’s disputing that,” said Sir Islands.
  
  I find this piece commendable because I don't sympathise with Sir Hardcastle, but he is still making valid points and arguing well.  Yay, I'm overcoming authorial prejudices and biases.  And Sir Islands makes a very good, pacifying response.
  
  
• The knights turned together to look at the tall, thin man who was before Integra.  His long, wispy white hair blew out from under his hat as he bent over slightly to her.  Beside him were two other people - one, a tall, feminine figure, and the other shorter and significantly portly.
  
  I believe this description is decent.
  
  
• 1. “I wanted to inquire as to that very fascinating vampire who is standing against the wall of your house.”
  2. [the McGonagall tidbit]
  3. It was not until Dumbledore had cleared the cemetery, leaving no doubt what his object was, that Alucard moved at all.  He raised his head, revealing the yellow-tinted glasses that made the color of his eyes an illusion to most humans, and his mouth stretched into a very wide grin, showing his pointed teeth most conspicuously.
  4. He said, his tone light, though the usual benevolent quality in his voice and expression was missing, “I had wondered what had happened to you.  It’s been quite some time since I heard anything about you at all.”
  5. Dumbledore bowed his head slightly, acknowledging the point.  “I came to see about certain binds upon your impressive abilities, but those gloves you are wearing rather answer all my questions.”
     
     Alucard, who had not uncrossed his arms, now raised his left hand to inspect the back of it himself.  “They do say a lot, don’t they?”
  
  I find these lines decent/am proud of them, respectively.  Especially the fifth.
  
  
• “He’s dead,” said Alucard bluntly and without inflection; the smile, both in his eyes and mouth, fully communicated to Dumbledore that the obvious conclusion was the correct one, and thus came to pass the second, if slightly less dramatic, occasion of Alucard protecting Integra.
  
  Despite the inordinate amount of angst through which this sentence went, I don't think the final version is that bad.  It accomplishes what I meant it to accomplish.
  
  
• 1. she felt a sudden, leaping feeling that was almost carried out in her feet, a second before her brain registered: Walter.
  2. She barely restrained herself from tearing forward to meet him, or even taking a couple of steps out; instead, she only gave a violent start that caused her professors to glance to her, and then turn to see what had caught her attention.
     
     Integra had not realized how much she missed Walter until she saw him now as he hurried into the cemetery, visibly just restraining himself from running up to her.
     
  3. ...to struggling to cover her uncle’s disappearance and her own injury while simultaneously arranging the funeral - and the only way she had managed to get through it all was by repeating her father’s dying instructions: it does not matter, it does not matter how I feel….
     
     Holding herself in place now as Walter quickly made his way to her was one of the most difficult things she had done in the last few days.  The only outward sign of this that her professors could see through her veil and glasses was how her eyes suddenly seemed too large for her face.
     
  4. He came to a stop a few feet from her, and there was a moment of silence and stillness as neither moved nor looked anywhere, but at each other, and then Walter quietly dropped to one knee and said with soft respect, “Sir Integra.”
  5. Then it was as though everything, absolutely everything that had happened in the last two weeks, and how she had kept herself under such very tight control all today, hit her at once.  Integra fought it hard, clenching her gloved hands into fists where they hung at her sides, pressing her lips together and squeezing her eyes shut, but two tears escaped anyway and slid down her cheeks.
  
  Those are sucessful.  I am proud of the third.
  
  
• The wind had finally died down until it was barely perceptible, but the snow swirling silently down out of the sky was visibly increasing, both in rate and amount, so that people at any significant distance could no longer make one another out clearly.  This signaled the end of the funeral; within a few minutes, the cemetery was completely deserted.
  
  Integra paused a moment outside it as Walter shut the low iron gate.  She glanced slightly toward the back of the house; but Alucard had already gone.  She turned her eyes back to the frozen ground as a sudden gust blew, its chill cutting straight through the lace of her veil as she began the slow trek back up to her house.
  
  Description that doesn't overwhelmingly suck! *is in shock*