(no subject)
Last night I felt a little restless or unsatisfied. Perhaps both. It got me to thinking. I realized despite the fact that in the past few months I've intended on focusing on getting back in touch with Buddhism I've actually gotten further and further from it. I barely even think about it now except for class. Buddhism is such a wonderful way of life and I hate to see it fade out of my own. Or I guess I hate for it to be one of those passing things I got into briefly and then gradually lost interest. I wanted it to be something that took hold of me and stayed with me for a long time without me having to make a huge effort at keeping my interest in it perked. Unfortunately that isn't the case and it has become a struggle.
I'm still impatient, arrogant, and self deserving. Of course these things aren't apparent from the outside and few people would even notice but I'm very aware of it. Its hard not to notice the difference in how I go through my day and how I react to people now than how I was doing it 5 months ago.
Another thing I was thinking about was my photography. The class I'm in combined with seeing one brilliant photo after another coming from Brendon has left me very self concious and uninspired with my own photography. Its hard not to compare my talent to Brendon's. His is so obvious and easy to tap into for him where as I have to dig and struggle for it. I know that no one person is the same and that we all improve and learn at different rates. I know this. But like everything else I want this to come easy to me. I don't want to have to work hard in order to get a great photograph. I don't want to have to learn how to do it; I want it to come naturally. It does to an extent but not as eye catchingly as it does for Brendon. Part of me just wants to stop all together. After all I never take photos unless I'm in a class and have to. I wouldn't really miss it.
I'm still impatient, arrogant, and self deserving. Of course these things aren't apparent from the outside and few people would even notice but I'm very aware of it. Its hard not to notice the difference in how I go through my day and how I react to people now than how I was doing it 5 months ago.
Another thing I was thinking about was my photography. The class I'm in combined with seeing one brilliant photo after another coming from Brendon has left me very self concious and uninspired with my own photography. Its hard not to compare my talent to Brendon's. His is so obvious and easy to tap into for him where as I have to dig and struggle for it. I know that no one person is the same and that we all improve and learn at different rates. I know this. But like everything else I want this to come easy to me. I don't want to have to work hard in order to get a great photograph. I don't want to have to learn how to do it; I want it to come naturally. It does to an extent but not as eye catchingly as it does for Brendon. Part of me just wants to stop all together. After all I never take photos unless I'm in a class and have to. I wouldn't really miss it.