Pleasure from the lack of pain.
So I spent some time yesterday browsing quotes by Francesca Lia Block (a complete inspiration, by the way... one of my favorite authors). These stuck with me.
"There is the relief of finally not being alone and then there's the relief of being alone when nobody can take anything away from you."- Ice
"You've got to believe in your magic and face right up to the mean nasty part of yourself that wants to keep the one you love locked up in a place in you where no one else can touch them or even see them. Just the way when somebody you love dies you don't stop loving them but you don't lock up their souls inside you. You turn that love into something else, give it to somebody else. And sometimes in a weird way when you do that you get closer than ever to the person who died or the one your soul married." -Wasteland
"Maybe they had all been her angels, in a way. Delivering her to the next place. Maybe any love we ever have is an angel in whatever form - a little girl fighting death, a white horse who could have been a father once, a boy on the beach." -Wasteland
"Back then I was too young to see my
surroundings. I was too busy dreaming
about the other side of the sea.
Only now do I see the beauty
that was here all along."- Primavera
"He holds my hand tighter as we go through the door that leads back to our life." -Echo
"I might not see Angel Juan for a while. But we’ll see each other again. Meet to dream-rock-slink-slam it-jam in the heart of the world. Like we always do." - Missing Angel Juan
"Faerie-hoarse how they whisper, light how they trip down. Untouched untouched untouched. The only way I could stay with them, stay safe.
Because what if I let him inside me and I thought the emptiness was gone and then he left? What kind of terrible emptiness would tear open then?"- Violet and Clare
There are so many more beautiful quotes I could post, but you should really just buy one of her books and let yourself become mesmerized. I highly recommend Violet and Clare, which is a book about two teenage girls who find themselves in an unlikely but beautiful friendship. They fall in love with musicians, struggle with suicidal thoughts, and experiment with cocaine. I would also suggest Wasteland and Echo. Fellow FLB followers seem to agree that their favorite books are one of these three. Or you could try The Rose and The Beast, which is a collection of retold fairytales. Or, if you want to really delve into some lyrical content, the Weetzie Bat series is fantastic.
Anyway.
After reading these, and re-reading and then deleting my depressing previous entry, I realized something. I am so fine. I am so fine with being single and not being with Ryan. I know the thought of him will continue to linger in the back of my mind for a ways to come, but there is nothing I can do about that. As much as I'd like to not have to think about him, every day I'm accepting not being with him more and more. And the more time goes on, the more I think about why it didn't work. Why it never would have worked in the long run. I think we were just comfortable, and our lives became so intertwined that neither of us wanted to be without the other (especially after already experiencing what that felt like over the summer).
It's nice to be able to hang out with my guy friends and not feel guilty about it anymore. It's nice to go to the bar with my girlfriends and be able to enjoy the attention of other males. Everything about breaking up with somebody is so cliche. Time is your biggest enemy. This too shall pass. Everything happens for a reason. But let me tell you, in the beginning, these mantras just didn't matter. I couldn't get past the notion that I hated being single. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that was (and still is) so great about Ryan.
But the worst is over. I'm becoming comfortable again with myself as an individual, rather than someone who is already claimed.
Once I graduate I'll get to travel like I've always wanted to. Teach in South Korea like I've wanted to for the last year. Then maybe get my TEFL and teach somewhere in South America. Maybe take a year off and live in Crete. Maybe I'll move to Myrtle Beach and live with Adam, teach somewhere in South Carolina. These are ideas I can actually entertain now. I was going to wait for Ryan to graduate and then we were going to move somewhere together, but he won't be doing that for at least another 3 years. I'm done this December.
Maybe I'll move/teach somewhere tropical.
"In Jamaica there is a night life like nowhere else - your body feels radiant, like orange lights, like Bob Marley's voice, when you dance in the clubs there. In Jamaica we climb the falls holding hands and the water rushes down bluer than your eyes. In Jamaica. In Jamaica it is hot and wet, and the people are hot and wet, and the shells look like flowers and the flowers look like shells, and when you drive down some roads men come out of the bushes wearing parrots on their shoulders and flowering bird cages on top of their heads"
Weetzie said, "Maybe in Jamaica I could find My Secret Agent Lover Man. I can't seem to find him here".
"There is the relief of finally not being alone and then there's the relief of being alone when nobody can take anything away from you."- Ice
"You've got to believe in your magic and face right up to the mean nasty part of yourself that wants to keep the one you love locked up in a place in you where no one else can touch them or even see them. Just the way when somebody you love dies you don't stop loving them but you don't lock up their souls inside you. You turn that love into something else, give it to somebody else. And sometimes in a weird way when you do that you get closer than ever to the person who died or the one your soul married." -Wasteland
"Maybe they had all been her angels, in a way. Delivering her to the next place. Maybe any love we ever have is an angel in whatever form - a little girl fighting death, a white horse who could have been a father once, a boy on the beach." -Wasteland
"Back then I was too young to see my
surroundings. I was too busy dreaming
about the other side of the sea.
Only now do I see the beauty
that was here all along."- Primavera
"He holds my hand tighter as we go through the door that leads back to our life." -Echo
"I might not see Angel Juan for a while. But we’ll see each other again. Meet to dream-rock-slink-slam it-jam in the heart of the world. Like we always do." - Missing Angel Juan
"Faerie-hoarse how they whisper, light how they trip down. Untouched untouched untouched. The only way I could stay with them, stay safe.
Because what if I let him inside me and I thought the emptiness was gone and then he left? What kind of terrible emptiness would tear open then?"- Violet and Clare
There are so many more beautiful quotes I could post, but you should really just buy one of her books and let yourself become mesmerized. I highly recommend Violet and Clare, which is a book about two teenage girls who find themselves in an unlikely but beautiful friendship. They fall in love with musicians, struggle with suicidal thoughts, and experiment with cocaine. I would also suggest Wasteland and Echo. Fellow FLB followers seem to agree that their favorite books are one of these three. Or you could try The Rose and The Beast, which is a collection of retold fairytales. Or, if you want to really delve into some lyrical content, the Weetzie Bat series is fantastic.
Anyway.
After reading these, and re-reading and then deleting my depressing previous entry, I realized something. I am so fine. I am so fine with being single and not being with Ryan. I know the thought of him will continue to linger in the back of my mind for a ways to come, but there is nothing I can do about that. As much as I'd like to not have to think about him, every day I'm accepting not being with him more and more. And the more time goes on, the more I think about why it didn't work. Why it never would have worked in the long run. I think we were just comfortable, and our lives became so intertwined that neither of us wanted to be without the other (especially after already experiencing what that felt like over the summer).
It's nice to be able to hang out with my guy friends and not feel guilty about it anymore. It's nice to go to the bar with my girlfriends and be able to enjoy the attention of other males. Everything about breaking up with somebody is so cliche. Time is your biggest enemy. This too shall pass. Everything happens for a reason. But let me tell you, in the beginning, these mantras just didn't matter. I couldn't get past the notion that I hated being single. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that was (and still is) so great about Ryan.
But the worst is over. I'm becoming comfortable again with myself as an individual, rather than someone who is already claimed.
Once I graduate I'll get to travel like I've always wanted to. Teach in South Korea like I've wanted to for the last year. Then maybe get my TEFL and teach somewhere in South America. Maybe take a year off and live in Crete. Maybe I'll move to Myrtle Beach and live with Adam, teach somewhere in South Carolina. These are ideas I can actually entertain now. I was going to wait for Ryan to graduate and then we were going to move somewhere together, but he won't be doing that for at least another 3 years. I'm done this December.
Maybe I'll move/teach somewhere tropical.
"In Jamaica there is a night life like nowhere else - your body feels radiant, like orange lights, like Bob Marley's voice, when you dance in the clubs there. In Jamaica we climb the falls holding hands and the water rushes down bluer than your eyes. In Jamaica. In Jamaica it is hot and wet, and the people are hot and wet, and the shells look like flowers and the flowers look like shells, and when you drive down some roads men come out of the bushes wearing parrots on their shoulders and flowering bird cages on top of their heads"
Weetzie said, "Maybe in Jamaica I could find My Secret Agent Lover Man. I can't seem to find him here".