(no subject)
this is to replace the last entry.
a better goodbye, though by no means perfect:p. somehow i think a kiss, no matter the followthrough (which is impossible from my end too, remember) would have been a better last hurrah than making an ass of myself in rejection:p i do think i'm kindof a funny ass myself, though. hehe.
i feel like i'm two different people these days.
the happy-go-lucky one, preschool aide extraordinare, roompainter, creative active excited always smiley girl, flirting with old friends and falling over couches after failed kisses, can't-wait-for-college spaz with montreal and ashland and summer friends to look forward to, life ahead of her just waiting to see, climbing mountains and speaking french and building houses and making love adn being loved...
and the girl watching from behind my eyes, the desperate one who leans in for memory's sake (not for a future, that's long ago stopped being the object) the one who cries inside while happy is masking it all, who comes out at night and when i'm too tired to keep my guard up to sob me to sleep and remind me of pointlessness and worthlessness and all those bad feelings so pent up inside. who remembers with cutting accuracy and notes nuances that lead to paranoia (what's being kept from me, love?) and sinks down from hating being paranoid to hating myself and all that lovely baggage that comes with it.
i can't help but feel like one of these mornings, maybe a morning after the best day of my life, i'll wake up and finally decide there's no point in continuing to breathe. not cuz i'm sad, not cuz anything is wrong, just because...the philosophy, the point of life, all that messed up stuff. the illusions, the things hidden, giving up on the sheer impression of wonder over anything that could or could not be what you want it to be, what you imagine it to be. there was a moment today where i felt like i was the only real thing, where everything and everyone else didn't really exist, like my imaginative powers have invented people and chairs and couches and nothing at all was really real, solid, alive. careless, eh? it occurs to me i've had no real physical contact with another person in a long time; very uncomfortable. i hugged caitlin...before that it was probably ms. adrienne after grad:p it's an empty feeling. hmm...goo tickle fight?
if you climb one more mountain, it may be your last.
a better goodbye, though by no means perfect:p. somehow i think a kiss, no matter the followthrough (which is impossible from my end too, remember) would have been a better last hurrah than making an ass of myself in rejection:p i do think i'm kindof a funny ass myself, though. hehe.
i feel like i'm two different people these days.
the happy-go-lucky one, preschool aide extraordinare, roompainter, creative active excited always smiley girl, flirting with old friends and falling over couches after failed kisses, can't-wait-for-college spaz with montreal and ashland and summer friends to look forward to, life ahead of her just waiting to see, climbing mountains and speaking french and building houses and making love adn being loved...
and the girl watching from behind my eyes, the desperate one who leans in for memory's sake (not for a future, that's long ago stopped being the object) the one who cries inside while happy is masking it all, who comes out at night and when i'm too tired to keep my guard up to sob me to sleep and remind me of pointlessness and worthlessness and all those bad feelings so pent up inside. who remembers with cutting accuracy and notes nuances that lead to paranoia (what's being kept from me, love?) and sinks down from hating being paranoid to hating myself and all that lovely baggage that comes with it.
i can't help but feel like one of these mornings, maybe a morning after the best day of my life, i'll wake up and finally decide there's no point in continuing to breathe. not cuz i'm sad, not cuz anything is wrong, just because...the philosophy, the point of life, all that messed up stuff. the illusions, the things hidden, giving up on the sheer impression of wonder over anything that could or could not be what you want it to be, what you imagine it to be. there was a moment today where i felt like i was the only real thing, where everything and everyone else didn't really exist, like my imaginative powers have invented people and chairs and couches and nothing at all was really real, solid, alive. careless, eh? it occurs to me i've had no real physical contact with another person in a long time; very uncomfortable. i hugged caitlin...before that it was probably ms. adrienne after grad:p it's an empty feeling. hmm...goo tickle fight?
if you climb one more mountain, it may be your last.