(no subject)
i don't remember exactly when i started to fall for him. i'd seen him before around metro, in pre-cal and anatomy, but he was always so quiet, and he was like the only guy in the school with a beard, so i was way to afraid to even talk to him. i guess i figured i would never even have a chance as his friend.
then one day, luke and i were at willow, and luke wanted someone to go to a ladytron concert with him. he invited me, and then john. this is the first time i ever actually hung out with him, maybe even the first time i talked to him. i don't remember what we might've talked about, at this point he was just luke's friend and i was just there to have a good time with my best buddy luke. i remember he wore those boots of his, those shiny black square-toed boots, and the jeans he always wears, the women's jeans that he prefers because he likes how they fit. and a striped button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up. his hair was starting to grow out by this time, and he had it pulled back. he just looked so... cool. still so totally out of my league.
but i remember waiting in line, and he had this pack of cigarettes that he'd made little inserts for, so it looked like the brand was "smoky roses" and he'd written up a thing for the back like camels have, about the tobacco or whatever, and he read it out loud in this weird voice, and it was silly and hilarious and he made luke and i laugh so easily. so he was handsome, he dressed well, and he was funny. yeah, sooo out of my league.
then luke and i started to hang out with him more- he had a car, he was fun. he liked video games and horror movies and all the things that luke and i liked to do. i started to feel more comfortable around him, but never imagined having a relationship with this guy. he was just so damned mysterious and cool, i felt privileged that he spent so much time with us, nerdy luke and me.
i don't remember when i started to like him exactly, but i remember starting to get jealous of katie towne. he hung out with me and luke after school a lot, but on the weekends and stuff, he was usually with katie. i remember wanting to call him, wishing so hard that i would be invited, feeling boring and stupid and ugly and inferior. katie was fun and spontaneous and it was hard not to be amused around her- you always have fun with katie towne. no wonder he liked hanging out with her so much. what did i have to offer?
i remember sitting at home on the weekends, feeling like crap and thinking about him and wanting to be a part of it all, someone he respected and liked. i remember being at luke's, watching john play the wii, and lying down on the couch beside him. i remember feeling my hair on his arm; it was an accident, but i didn't move, imagining that he liked feeling my hair on his arm and that he didn't want me to move. i remember letting him tickle me, and playing stupid games just so i could enjoy his attention and the feel of his hands.
i don't remember when we started sleeping next to each other every time we spent the night at luke's or if he came over to my house. there was no tension, because i figured he would end up with someone way prettier and funnier and better than me, so i just enjoyed being near him, and putting my head on his chest, listening to his breathing and his heartbeat until i fell asleep. i don't know how he felt. he never put his arm around me, and i never dared to put my arm around him.
then one night, john and i stayed over at katie's house. we slept on the floor, next to each other, my head on his shoulder. when i thought he was asleep, i put my arm across his stomach. i was terrified he would wake up and move away, i was scared i'd ruin things. a few long minutes later, he put his arm around me, pulling me a little closer to him, supporting my weight, a firm grip on my shoulder. i was so happy he didn't push me away, but i didn't know if i'd ever get any closer than that.
when we went to six flags with luke, and i got to sleep in the same bed as him in the hotel room, i just felt so contented to be next to him. we went out to smoke a couple of times that night, just john and i, sitting on the grass in california, and i was just in fucking heaven. what could be better?
we started to spend more time together, just john and i. we'd go to the park, or to my house to watch his dvds, or to ihop or wherever. those times were the best, the absolute fucking best. just john and i, all his attention on me. but the main thing was, he chose to be with me. me over katie, or luke, or anyone else. i remember him catching a cold, and we went to denny's to get some tea, and he ended up spending the night at my house and we played scrabble and drew silly pictures. i tried so hard to be entertaining and funny, so he wouldn't get bored with me. every time i made him laugh was a personal accomplishment, a little victory for me.
that year we spent easter in tucson at katie's parents house. i remember getting so jealous of katie, when he was showing off this stupid nail thing and buffing her nails, and not doing mine. i wanted him to be holding my hand, damn it. i didn't eat a damn thing all weekend. that's when it really got bad. i knew i had to make a move before he ended up with katie, or someone else. anyone else. we'd already been planning to room together in chicago, and i just thought of how heartbroken i would be if he brought another woman home.
so, the tuesday after we got back from tucson, i asked him if he wanted to go to willow. he was bored, he only came because he had nothing else to do. i think he got hummus and pita, and all i got was a coffee, because i was too nervous about what i was about to do. i expected the worst; i expected him to get offended and uncomfortable- that's why i picked willow, because it would be easy for him to leave if he wanted to. i almost told him in the car when he dropped me off the day we got back from tucson, but i chickened out.
i started out by telling him that i understand if he doesn't want to room with me anymore, that's it's okay if he never wants to see me again, that i knew i was risking our friendship by doing this. his face fell; all of a sudden he's staring at me, looking concerned. he's not bored anymore, but he doesn't look pleased.
then i just... told him. i told him i'd fallen for him, that he was so handsome, and hilarious, and kind, and perfect, and i was just shaking with fucking fear that i would lose him as a friend because who wants some awkward skinny chick spilling her guts at you when you thought you were just friends? and i remember he didn't give me a straight answer right away, i remember him laughing; he thought i was going to tell him i didn't want to live with him in chicago or something.
he kind of told me he felt the same way about me, but he was going to wait 'til we got to chicago to tell me. i remember not really believing him, but also being relieved that he didn't flip out. i thought he was just being nice. i still didn't think we'd ever be together. i was still shaking, and chain-smoking.
later that night, he texted me. he told me i was 'genuine', and that he'd like to be with me. i was elated, even though he just said i was genuine, and that's not quite the speech i gave him about how handsome he was and stuff, but whatever, he was willing to go out with me! hoorah! i was sooo relieved, so relieved.
it was awkward for a couple of weeks, not knowing when i could hold his hand, how close i could sit next to him without annoying him. he started to get nice and romantic, taking me up to the mountains, sitting in the park, lying on his roof looking at stars and all that.
i don't remember when we really started to get comfortable with each other. by this time i'd left my crazy mother's house and was staying with him. i know by the time we moved to chicago together, it wasn't awkward anymore. i remember the night i was really okay with him, really comfortable around him, when i started to feel safe. anyone else i'd ever dated always pressured me for sex, they were all fucking losers who pushed me too fast and at first i was a little afraid of john. but i got over it.
and then we got married, after just over a year of dating. i never ever ever, in a million years, dreamed that that guy i went to the ladytron concert with, who was too cool to dance to the music, who was so smart, and so funny, and so handsome, would ever want to marry me. and even though i was the one who asked him out in the first place, he was the one who proposed.
and now he's mine. forever. and i need never feel jealous again, because i'm the one he decided he wants to spend his whole entire life with, and i couldn't be happier.
i don't know who's going to read that. i think i wrote it mostly for johnny, because in thirteen days i'm going to have to leave him for two months, and i want him to know that i love him. and i guess if anyone was curious about my internal struggle with the mad crush i had on john adams for like two years during high school, well, here you go.