(no subject)
It's been a little while. I figured that the events of the last few weeks merited an entry.
This weekend I went to my father's hometown about a half an hour outside of pittsburgh. It's an old dreary now defunct steel town right on the monongahela river. The reason for our going there wasn't related to the easter holiday, although it provided the opportunity for the majority of the family to get together. At the beginning of March my grandfather had found out that his cancer had returned. Not only his lung, but esophagus and stomach were now being effected. When I first saw him, and how skinny he had gotten I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears. I don't know what the coming months will bring for his health. He's still all there which is good. And he's still taking care of himself in his own house, although half the family lives within a hundred yards of one another. I'm hopeful that he can beat this again. But if things do begin to deteriorate, I hope I can see him. I've always had this guilt in the depths of my conscience about not seeing my grandmother while she was still like I'd remembered. By the time I was able to see her after the semester had ended the leukemia had taken hold and ravaged her body to the point where she couldn't be out of the hospital. She had emailed me quite a bit when she was first diagnosed, always ending with telling me how proud she was of me and how she believed I'd do great things. I can't help but feel as if I've failed her in every way. This knowledge weighs upon me heavily. I find it influencing my actions constantly.
Mae spoke to me for the first time in two months last tuesday. Hours before I'd been getting coffee with guy and exchanging stories of our bad days. As we parted ways he said that tomorrow could only be better. Strange. She wished me a happy belated birthday and said she wanted to see how I was doing. If I was okay. If I never wanted to speak to her again. Stunned I didn't even thank her for her birthday wishes and couldn't manage a response until my heart quit its' racing. I'd attempted to remain guarded and wary, imagining it would be able to stave off the feeling. We talked and she asked questions she already knew the answers to. She said it doesn't feel right not being in one another's lives, and I told her I felt the same. But, that I don't know where I could possibly fit into her life with things being how they are. I haven't heard from her since, except for us agreeing that we needed to talk more. It may be another two months until I hear from her again, or two years, or never again. I hope it's much less, because I worry about her everyday, and I know that she is not okay. I've come to realize that I need to set aside what feelings I still have for her and be whatever it is that she needs me to be. If it's just a friend to talk to. Or if she just wants some final measure of closure. What she needs, I'll do everything I can to provide. But, with things as they are, the best I can do is grasp at straws. Her being okay again is all that matters and has been what's dominated my thoughts and actions these past months. I will do anything to make it so. I don't know if there will be the chance to. Or if she even truly needs me in her life.
I know what things will always be and that will never change. Just as I know the things that could never be again. I've come to accept, or at least convince myself of these things. But it is that which I'm unsure of that plagues my mind and keeps it from shutting off when it's utterly exhausted. The potential of it all is astounding and has the effect of cowing me in its' massiveness. Yet, I would gladly face the unknown to find out what's at the end of the line. And I know I will.
I used to fill the void that I carry now with many things. Like most, with drugs, alcohol, and sex. By now, I'd have sought and succeeded in finding the warmth and touch of another to attempt to forget, only making the hole inside me that much larger with every useless attempt. I've had many opportunities to do so again. Finding myself entirely uninterested they've turned away confused. Often, I'm sure, thinking they'd done something wrong. The lust my body and mind tell me to feel is outweighed by what I know in my heart. It's a sad fact. But one I would not change for the world. I finally understand. Even when I feel as if everything is in ruins, I must remain true to myself and how I feel inside. It is the only way for me now.
This weekend I went to my father's hometown about a half an hour outside of pittsburgh. It's an old dreary now defunct steel town right on the monongahela river. The reason for our going there wasn't related to the easter holiday, although it provided the opportunity for the majority of the family to get together. At the beginning of March my grandfather had found out that his cancer had returned. Not only his lung, but esophagus and stomach were now being effected. When I first saw him, and how skinny he had gotten I couldn't stop my eyes from welling up with tears. I don't know what the coming months will bring for his health. He's still all there which is good. And he's still taking care of himself in his own house, although half the family lives within a hundred yards of one another. I'm hopeful that he can beat this again. But if things do begin to deteriorate, I hope I can see him. I've always had this guilt in the depths of my conscience about not seeing my grandmother while she was still like I'd remembered. By the time I was able to see her after the semester had ended the leukemia had taken hold and ravaged her body to the point where she couldn't be out of the hospital. She had emailed me quite a bit when she was first diagnosed, always ending with telling me how proud she was of me and how she believed I'd do great things. I can't help but feel as if I've failed her in every way. This knowledge weighs upon me heavily. I find it influencing my actions constantly.
Mae spoke to me for the first time in two months last tuesday. Hours before I'd been getting coffee with guy and exchanging stories of our bad days. As we parted ways he said that tomorrow could only be better. Strange. She wished me a happy belated birthday and said she wanted to see how I was doing. If I was okay. If I never wanted to speak to her again. Stunned I didn't even thank her for her birthday wishes and couldn't manage a response until my heart quit its' racing. I'd attempted to remain guarded and wary, imagining it would be able to stave off the feeling. We talked and she asked questions she already knew the answers to. She said it doesn't feel right not being in one another's lives, and I told her I felt the same. But, that I don't know where I could possibly fit into her life with things being how they are. I haven't heard from her since, except for us agreeing that we needed to talk more. It may be another two months until I hear from her again, or two years, or never again. I hope it's much less, because I worry about her everyday, and I know that she is not okay. I've come to realize that I need to set aside what feelings I still have for her and be whatever it is that she needs me to be. If it's just a friend to talk to. Or if she just wants some final measure of closure. What she needs, I'll do everything I can to provide. But, with things as they are, the best I can do is grasp at straws. Her being okay again is all that matters and has been what's dominated my thoughts and actions these past months. I will do anything to make it so. I don't know if there will be the chance to. Or if she even truly needs me in her life.
I know what things will always be and that will never change. Just as I know the things that could never be again. I've come to accept, or at least convince myself of these things. But it is that which I'm unsure of that plagues my mind and keeps it from shutting off when it's utterly exhausted. The potential of it all is astounding and has the effect of cowing me in its' massiveness. Yet, I would gladly face the unknown to find out what's at the end of the line. And I know I will.
I used to fill the void that I carry now with many things. Like most, with drugs, alcohol, and sex. By now, I'd have sought and succeeded in finding the warmth and touch of another to attempt to forget, only making the hole inside me that much larger with every useless attempt. I've had many opportunities to do so again. Finding myself entirely uninterested they've turned away confused. Often, I'm sure, thinking they'd done something wrong. The lust my body and mind tell me to feel is outweighed by what I know in my heart. It's a sad fact. But one I would not change for the world. I finally understand. Even when I feel as if everything is in ruins, I must remain true to myself and how I feel inside. It is the only way for me now.