you know you should really read this.
today was one of the most mind blowing days i have had in a long time. i'm talking out of character i know, but i needed to vent a little. today was one of those days where i cut myself off from everybody, i could have gone out and done a billion things tonight, but i didn't. i had a day where i drowned myself in the past, the past two years to be exact. i thought about all the people i knew, all the partys i had, all the friends, all the shows, and i compared everything to now, and it's safe to say i have a shred of the life now that I had then.
the one thing that kind of left me unsettled today simply by it's amazement, is the fact of how people change, myself included. the friends i held so close to my heart, they have grown up and grown out of my friendship. the people who back stabbed me and betrayed me, i wondered about them too. i looked through my stack of writings today, and things i would write for my ex-girlfriend i don't even remember what i was feeling, and i feel like i overexhagerated alot then. maybe i'm too real, which is hard to believe because i live in such a fantasy of a world. im very confused about a lot of things. look, i know my faults, and im trying to change, but the proccess is difficult. i know im only seventeen years old going through one of those 'what does it all mean' things' that usually middle aged depressed men go though. i know i am cocky because i know i have talent, but i also know that im a very open hearted, kind, and down to earth person. i know i am extremely too deep, there isn't a second of the day that im not thinking, every thing i see provokes an idea, an illusion, a metaphor. i live a life thats in comparison to flipping through pages in a book, different imagery, things seem too detailed, the words sometimes run together. it's a mess.
i know i block people out of my life, i know i'm too attatched to my material things, like my books, my writings, my art, my movies, my music, my instrument, my mind, yes my mind is materialistic to me, because i believe what i want to believe sometimes, no matter how much fact i choose to go around, or how much truth i ignorantly turned my head to, i want things to be perfectly aligned in my life. like a cd collection, i take pride in my cd collection, i take care of them, i keep them in order, so when my moods act up, i know just where to go..that sounds so much like me just detailing my cd collection, but sometimes i think im describing the way i wish my life was. i've lost a lot of friends, some at my own hand, some not..and i don't have as many places to run to anymore. i wish things would fall into place when i needed them, and see the reason why i say my mind is materialistic, is that the mind should be able to go about and draw conclusions about things for itself..and that happens alot..i choose to believe i have great knowledge, because i have been through so much and im still so young, but sometimes i prevent myself from learning, i sort of tend to waltz around the real problem, sometimes i don't even see the problem, i procrastinate, and it all just ends up with me thinking, and what i really think about anyway, fuck i don't even think I know, random thoughts, random people, i live a random life. i've dropped out of high school, so all week long i wake up alone, i go to bed alone..i don't see my family too much anymore, my sister is always out, my mom comes home, goes to sleep, and gina just sleeps all day. this is a miserable house, a house that has doomed my mind for far too long. i have a hate for feeling sorry for myself, i try my hardest not to think negative, i don't cut, i don't bash myself, i don't cry, i just sit, i sit alone and think. and i've found out that is more unhealthy then self mutilation and physical sorrow.
the one thing i have never been is dependent towards people when it comes to my emotions, people tell me thats a good thing, people tell me thats a bad thing. i don't feel i need anyone to help me, i don't feel i need anybodys two cents, i don't feel like i need to be with someone to make me happy. i confuse myself with that a lot, because sometimes i think i long for a conversation, to look across the room and see someone there. and i start to think "wow, is another person really the answer i need?, am i dependent", i believe the answer is no. just sometimes it would be nice not to be so alone.
and if things couldn't be worse, right now i'm in love, i don't even know if i can call it that, i don't even think that is what it is, maybe it's just an intensified infatuation, but it bothers the fuck out of me, because i make this girl up, like i've known her for fucking ever and like i have the best friendship with her, and that is bullshit, she probably won't even read this. this all started when i was reading my old journal start to finish, and i read her old journal, start to finish. and i was amazed how things have changed. how i changed personally, how she has, it was amazing. yeah we were somewhat close, but i met the girl one time, for about five seconds, and for the next two years we talked online. and it was nice, i related to her, i thought she was deep, someone who took more meaning to life, not like these little scenies who hide behind lyrics and fashion and claim to be emotionally involved with themselves, when they don't know the first thing about misery, confusion, or struggle. she struck me as amazing, she said insightful things and she gave me great advice when i was in need of some. i read one of her old entries, and it struck a certain element of reality into me. and she was right about what she said. i mean who do i think i am..thinking that the people i talk to online are really apart of my life, as much as i thought i knew, i realized i didn't know. i don't know the first thing about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. i'm not crazy for her, i'm not emotionally attatched to her, i'm not obsessed, i'm not love lost. she isn't my everything, she isn't my dream, it's nothing crazy like that, it's not even something i should be scared of. it's just false identity, i see a perfect picture without knowing any story or deatails.it's just everytime i talk to her, or see a picture, she just appears to be this perfect girl, this girl i wish i could wake up to, take long drives with, go everywhere with, have hours upon hours of conversations, travel, wake up on a sunday morning and do sunday morning things with her. be influenced by her influences, hear her music, hear her story, see her scars. i don't know what i think, she just strikes me as someone i wish i could call home. and i think about those things and i smile, because sometimes i believe if i was with this girl, everything would be great. then i step back and realize i don't even know her, don't know where she is from, what her hobbies are, what her interests are, what her family is. what her past is like. i know nothing, and she doesn't seem interested in knowing the same about me. it's tired and dumb now. and this whole fixation is something i need to let go, i mean i have been thinking about her this way ever since the first time i met her face to face. it was different then, she was weak lost and when we talked it was to help eachother out, she is harder now, more experienced, more clear, and unavailable and uninterested as ever. it'll be easy to let it go, but at the same time i'll probably always wonder how it would be, and the relationship between me and her is always in neutral as well as my knowledge of her, so she will probably always be this painted image of a perfect girl. fuck it...i need to let it go.
i know i have talent, and i know i am going to be something amazing one day. i have faith that i will be a huge musical artist, because i have a drive..it's the life and death of me. i already know so much..i already can do so much, i have all this talent just waiting to be released. im a little cocky about it, but i know i'll be the best thing to ever come out of south florida. my mind is my ego as well..i believe i am extremely smart, extremely intellectual, extremely informed and knowledged. im charming. i don't like to say im cocky..im confident..i don't even think i am overly confident..i know what I am, what i have to offer, and what i want to be. fuck it's more then i can say for most people.
i start college in january, so i'll wait for a new chance at a social life then. i have a lot of shit to work on. the boredom is the only thing that kills me. these thoughts aren't nearly as natural as i wish they were..they are provoked..by my past..myself..my life and the people in it. i am tortured, by my room, my life, my thoughts, and my dreams. these four walls and this house are driving me insane. i don't know what i truly want, sometimes i don't even know how i want to feel. all i know is that i need to relax and not take shit so seriously, and i also believe i am at a point and time where i need to let shit go, the things i think are there but aren't really there...i don't know how this story will end..it's been a really rough ride..i thank my past, because i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i like the person that i am, i just hate the shadow of me, the darker things that bring me down, i fade into that person way too much. now more then ever. i sit back everyday, and i watch the world go by..i know my sacrifices, my selfishness, my ego, my lack of trust in humanity has brought me here..and i will work my way out of this. it'll take time but it will happen..i don't know what i want half the time, but to quote a favorite movie in this movielife of mine.."i...just...want...something...beautiful"
thanks to whoever read this.
the one thing that kind of left me unsettled today simply by it's amazement, is the fact of how people change, myself included. the friends i held so close to my heart, they have grown up and grown out of my friendship. the people who back stabbed me and betrayed me, i wondered about them too. i looked through my stack of writings today, and things i would write for my ex-girlfriend i don't even remember what i was feeling, and i feel like i overexhagerated alot then. maybe i'm too real, which is hard to believe because i live in such a fantasy of a world. im very confused about a lot of things. look, i know my faults, and im trying to change, but the proccess is difficult. i know im only seventeen years old going through one of those 'what does it all mean' things' that usually middle aged depressed men go though. i know i am cocky because i know i have talent, but i also know that im a very open hearted, kind, and down to earth person. i know i am extremely too deep, there isn't a second of the day that im not thinking, every thing i see provokes an idea, an illusion, a metaphor. i live a life thats in comparison to flipping through pages in a book, different imagery, things seem too detailed, the words sometimes run together. it's a mess.
i know i block people out of my life, i know i'm too attatched to my material things, like my books, my writings, my art, my movies, my music, my instrument, my mind, yes my mind is materialistic to me, because i believe what i want to believe sometimes, no matter how much fact i choose to go around, or how much truth i ignorantly turned my head to, i want things to be perfectly aligned in my life. like a cd collection, i take pride in my cd collection, i take care of them, i keep them in order, so when my moods act up, i know just where to go..that sounds so much like me just detailing my cd collection, but sometimes i think im describing the way i wish my life was. i've lost a lot of friends, some at my own hand, some not..and i don't have as many places to run to anymore. i wish things would fall into place when i needed them, and see the reason why i say my mind is materialistic, is that the mind should be able to go about and draw conclusions about things for itself..and that happens alot..i choose to believe i have great knowledge, because i have been through so much and im still so young, but sometimes i prevent myself from learning, i sort of tend to waltz around the real problem, sometimes i don't even see the problem, i procrastinate, and it all just ends up with me thinking, and what i really think about anyway, fuck i don't even think I know, random thoughts, random people, i live a random life. i've dropped out of high school, so all week long i wake up alone, i go to bed alone..i don't see my family too much anymore, my sister is always out, my mom comes home, goes to sleep, and gina just sleeps all day. this is a miserable house, a house that has doomed my mind for far too long. i have a hate for feeling sorry for myself, i try my hardest not to think negative, i don't cut, i don't bash myself, i don't cry, i just sit, i sit alone and think. and i've found out that is more unhealthy then self mutilation and physical sorrow.
the one thing i have never been is dependent towards people when it comes to my emotions, people tell me thats a good thing, people tell me thats a bad thing. i don't feel i need anyone to help me, i don't feel i need anybodys two cents, i don't feel like i need to be with someone to make me happy. i confuse myself with that a lot, because sometimes i think i long for a conversation, to look across the room and see someone there. and i start to think "wow, is another person really the answer i need?, am i dependent", i believe the answer is no. just sometimes it would be nice not to be so alone.
and if things couldn't be worse, right now i'm in love, i don't even know if i can call it that, i don't even think that is what it is, maybe it's just an intensified infatuation, but it bothers the fuck out of me, because i make this girl up, like i've known her for fucking ever and like i have the best friendship with her, and that is bullshit, she probably won't even read this. this all started when i was reading my old journal start to finish, and i read her old journal, start to finish. and i was amazed how things have changed. how i changed personally, how she has, it was amazing. yeah we were somewhat close, but i met the girl one time, for about five seconds, and for the next two years we talked online. and it was nice, i related to her, i thought she was deep, someone who took more meaning to life, not like these little scenies who hide behind lyrics and fashion and claim to be emotionally involved with themselves, when they don't know the first thing about misery, confusion, or struggle. she struck me as amazing, she said insightful things and she gave me great advice when i was in need of some. i read one of her old entries, and it struck a certain element of reality into me. and she was right about what she said. i mean who do i think i am..thinking that the people i talk to online are really apart of my life, as much as i thought i knew, i realized i didn't know. i don't know the first thing about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. i'm not crazy for her, i'm not emotionally attatched to her, i'm not obsessed, i'm not love lost. she isn't my everything, she isn't my dream, it's nothing crazy like that, it's not even something i should be scared of. it's just false identity, i see a perfect picture without knowing any story or deatails.it's just everytime i talk to her, or see a picture, she just appears to be this perfect girl, this girl i wish i could wake up to, take long drives with, go everywhere with, have hours upon hours of conversations, travel, wake up on a sunday morning and do sunday morning things with her. be influenced by her influences, hear her music, hear her story, see her scars. i don't know what i think, she just strikes me as someone i wish i could call home. and i think about those things and i smile, because sometimes i believe if i was with this girl, everything would be great. then i step back and realize i don't even know her, don't know where she is from, what her hobbies are, what her interests are, what her family is. what her past is like. i know nothing, and she doesn't seem interested in knowing the same about me. it's tired and dumb now. and this whole fixation is something i need to let go, i mean i have been thinking about her this way ever since the first time i met her face to face. it was different then, she was weak lost and when we talked it was to help eachother out, she is harder now, more experienced, more clear, and unavailable and uninterested as ever. it'll be easy to let it go, but at the same time i'll probably always wonder how it would be, and the relationship between me and her is always in neutral as well as my knowledge of her, so she will probably always be this painted image of a perfect girl. fuck it...i need to let it go.
i know i have talent, and i know i am going to be something amazing one day. i have faith that i will be a huge musical artist, because i have a drive..it's the life and death of me. i already know so much..i already can do so much, i have all this talent just waiting to be released. im a little cocky about it, but i know i'll be the best thing to ever come out of south florida. my mind is my ego as well..i believe i am extremely smart, extremely intellectual, extremely informed and knowledged. im charming. i don't like to say im cocky..im confident..i don't even think i am overly confident..i know what I am, what i have to offer, and what i want to be. fuck it's more then i can say for most people.
i start college in january, so i'll wait for a new chance at a social life then. i have a lot of shit to work on. the boredom is the only thing that kills me. these thoughts aren't nearly as natural as i wish they were..they are provoked..by my past..myself..my life and the people in it. i am tortured, by my room, my life, my thoughts, and my dreams. these four walls and this house are driving me insane. i don't know what i truly want, sometimes i don't even know how i want to feel. all i know is that i need to relax and not take shit so seriously, and i also believe i am at a point and time where i need to let shit go, the things i think are there but aren't really there...i don't know how this story will end..it's been a really rough ride..i thank my past, because i wouldn't be the person i am today. and i like the person that i am, i just hate the shadow of me, the darker things that bring me down, i fade into that person way too much. now more then ever. i sit back everyday, and i watch the world go by..i know my sacrifices, my selfishness, my ego, my lack of trust in humanity has brought me here..and i will work my way out of this. it'll take time but it will happen..i don't know what i want half the time, but to quote a favorite movie in this movielife of mine.."i...just...want...something...beautiful"
thanks to whoever read this.