suck it
hey yo.. finally a night without homework so i can actually write something
CURRENT THINGS THAT ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME:
1) daniels mother is an idiot. be it be known. i wish there wasnt humanity in the world so that social darwinism would just take care of her. oh well. hes only there for three more months.
2) Lately i've been hearing a lot of crap about "chicks over dicks" and "bros before hoes". seriously, thats probably the most fucking retarted thing i've ever heard. look, i know you have to limit yourself and spread yourself out, and im going to start trying to do that, but think about it this way: how many people actually stay friends with half of the people they go to high school with? a very select few. But on the other hand, i have someone i know im going to be with for a very long time. are you trying to tell me i should make my superficial friends more important than him? Riight. (this doesnt apply for everyone...((S and L)) by the by.)
Im not going to lie, he is the most important person in my life, and rightfully so. if you cant understand that, sorry, but you dont really know what its like to be in love. im so sick of that lately. the more and more i hear people say how much they love someone and then go abuse the word, and break up the next week. it makes me physically ill.
i know i need to make time for my important friends. im trying. but you guys need to understand that lately, a lot of shit has been dealt with. everyone says daniels a different person now, well... that took effort and time. not only that, but my life hasnt exactly been something i could deal with on my own. sorry if i got wrapped up but, hey, i dont think my priorities are askew.
3) Class rank
WTF!
it can suck my dick.
bah, i dont mean to sound so bitter about it, i just dont think its very fair. im not saying this because i think im in the wrong rank, i got 24, im in the top 5% so im not going to argue, but its not valid at all. its wrong when someone like aurelia gets 80. just wrong. and there are people i know who should NOT be as high as they are. they cant understand something until its shoved up their ass, THEN they get it, and go home and study it for 3097422 hours. most of the top scorers are not well rounded at all. and i think its stupid to make this heiarchy of the best and the worst based basically on who has the smallest social life. I'll admit, this year, i could study a lot harder.
but freshman and sophmore? explain to me how you expect me to go to drama club meetings, conduct dps meetings, memorize lines for plays im in, then go to soccer practice every night till 9:30, not get home till 10:30, barely get all my homework done and still have time to study a ridiculous amount so i can get a 100 instead of a 93? because really, that was all last year was. the hour i got each night to do homework was devoted to wessler, which i really never fully finished so i spent all my english period doing it. im lucky shayna understood my stress and let me copy hers half the time or i would have exploded.
oh yeah, and people wonder why i never got to sleep before one.
this year hasnt exactly been much easier, i began on the same soccer schedual except worse because we had vic as our coach and we had everything basically doubled. i had larger roles in plays, more work to do in theatre, since i do tech now. and then i tore my acl and had knee surgery. you know. that can really kill someones drive to be the person they used to be. i couldnt study now if i tried. i think i gave up.
thats goes with 4)
god, you guys may never know how much my knee surgery has fucked up my life. i cant do anything when im depressed, and i cant shake it. today, i was at the soccer tryouts and i couldnt stop crying. i just... couldnt stop it. no one noticed, thank god, because they were playing. i just kept watching people cut and cross and move and run and i had this sick feeling in my stomach that i may never be able to do that the same way. and i kept watching kaylie and her knee brace, watching her knee look so... weak. i really dont think i can handle being manager. i cant even handle going to the tryouts. i feel like im being deprived of air... my entire life, at any given time, i was on a team. ive never not played. kaylie could handle it last year because she had only been playing 3 years. its a hobby to her. but it was my life. it was who i was, it was me. people still introduce me as "this is jill, she plays soccer" and i feel like a lier.
i went from being mvp, regonal allstar to...manager
i cant fucking do this.
i was ok until the season started. i think i surpressed everything until now and its all coming out at once. im getting to the point in my therapy where i can do more and i feel normal, but i cant because im not normal yet... its so cruel.
oh well..
anyway, so valentines. valentines was great, probably the best day of my life. Daniel came to pick me up, he look incredible. he was wearing this tight green short sleeve collered shirt that i had never seen before that matched his eyes and his hair and his pants that make his ass look great. his hair was all slicked back but still fluffy and he had on a hint of mascara. he took my countryside choker (the green circle with the tree imprinted in it on the thick green string) and he looked amazing. i was looking pretty snazzy too... those tight kakies (Sp) i have and that black lace tank top with my button down pinstripe collered shirt and my black and white spats. i looked pretty sessy. we looked sessy.
so yeah, we had kind of agreed that buying shit was stupid and un romantic, so he didnt get anything for me, i didnt really want anything. i couldnt really help it thought so i bought him a venus razor for his legs and wrote him two poems and a short story and gave him one of my drinking horns that he had talked about at the ren, festival and said "hey baby, im horney" he tied it to his belt and wore it all day, it was so cute. he loved the poetry and gave my the best hug and kiss(es) ever. my mom gave us 50 so we could have a good time w/o stressing about money since he just paid for all his car repairs.
we went to lotus buffet to eat, it was a lot of fun. then we went to the mall and i sat on the floor reading manga while he sat in the chair and braided my hair in books a million, then we read sex books. then we went into forever 21 and he picked out clothes that he thought would look really sexy on me, for like, only his bedroom (^^), and i tried them on for him. he bought me some silk pink underwear and lip gloss and we left to go get some dip-n-dots.
then, we went back to his house and daniel wanted to ask his dad if he would buy us some vodka. i was kind of scared at first, but i trust him so i went a long with it. we went to the abc store and he picked some out, and we went back to his house and i got drunk for the first time. daniels kind of an expert at liqour, not cause hes a drunk or anything, but more of a connosour. anyway, it was a lot of fun, we laughed a lot and just had a really good time. hes really cute when hes drunk. hes the person he would probably be if it werent for all the shit his mom has done to him over the years.
anyway, i slept over and woke up with a hangover. that wasnt too fun. he thought it was cute. we hung out for a little bit more and then i went to tremont to see farva. i feel bad that i was hungover at the show, because they did really well, but i was in a bad mood and had a headache the whole time so i bet shayna felt like i was being a bitch :/ you guys did awesome. then i bought a shirt and a cd and tried not to get lost in thought during silverfish. did merch for a while, then went to my grandmas for a small visit.
ugg, i wish i cold rewind and go back to this weekend. this week has been horrible. i havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep each night. and soccer... god, and soccer.
got bearshear though, so ive been listening to nonstop techno.
i think im doing ok at ignoring the sadness in me right now. im just thinking about pointless things, good memories, and daniel, and it helps me move on. time has actually been passing pretty fast.
i think this week has sucked so much because i started doing homework again.
dps only had about 12 people at it, but you know what? it was fun. suck it.
im going to stop thinking about soccer now, this is getting too long.
CURRENT THINGS THAT ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME:
1) daniels mother is an idiot. be it be known. i wish there wasnt humanity in the world so that social darwinism would just take care of her. oh well. hes only there for three more months.
2) Lately i've been hearing a lot of crap about "chicks over dicks" and "bros before hoes". seriously, thats probably the most fucking retarted thing i've ever heard. look, i know you have to limit yourself and spread yourself out, and im going to start trying to do that, but think about it this way: how many people actually stay friends with half of the people they go to high school with? a very select few. But on the other hand, i have someone i know im going to be with for a very long time. are you trying to tell me i should make my superficial friends more important than him? Riight. (this doesnt apply for everyone...((S and L)) by the by.)
Im not going to lie, he is the most important person in my life, and rightfully so. if you cant understand that, sorry, but you dont really know what its like to be in love. im so sick of that lately. the more and more i hear people say how much they love someone and then go abuse the word, and break up the next week. it makes me physically ill.
i know i need to make time for my important friends. im trying. but you guys need to understand that lately, a lot of shit has been dealt with. everyone says daniels a different person now, well... that took effort and time. not only that, but my life hasnt exactly been something i could deal with on my own. sorry if i got wrapped up but, hey, i dont think my priorities are askew.
3) Class rank
WTF!
it can suck my dick.
bah, i dont mean to sound so bitter about it, i just dont think its very fair. im not saying this because i think im in the wrong rank, i got 24, im in the top 5% so im not going to argue, but its not valid at all. its wrong when someone like aurelia gets 80. just wrong. and there are people i know who should NOT be as high as they are. they cant understand something until its shoved up their ass, THEN they get it, and go home and study it for 3097422 hours. most of the top scorers are not well rounded at all. and i think its stupid to make this heiarchy of the best and the worst based basically on who has the smallest social life. I'll admit, this year, i could study a lot harder.
but freshman and sophmore? explain to me how you expect me to go to drama club meetings, conduct dps meetings, memorize lines for plays im in, then go to soccer practice every night till 9:30, not get home till 10:30, barely get all my homework done and still have time to study a ridiculous amount so i can get a 100 instead of a 93? because really, that was all last year was. the hour i got each night to do homework was devoted to wessler, which i really never fully finished so i spent all my english period doing it. im lucky shayna understood my stress and let me copy hers half the time or i would have exploded.
oh yeah, and people wonder why i never got to sleep before one.
this year hasnt exactly been much easier, i began on the same soccer schedual except worse because we had vic as our coach and we had everything basically doubled. i had larger roles in plays, more work to do in theatre, since i do tech now. and then i tore my acl and had knee surgery. you know. that can really kill someones drive to be the person they used to be. i couldnt study now if i tried. i think i gave up.
thats goes with 4)
god, you guys may never know how much my knee surgery has fucked up my life. i cant do anything when im depressed, and i cant shake it. today, i was at the soccer tryouts and i couldnt stop crying. i just... couldnt stop it. no one noticed, thank god, because they were playing. i just kept watching people cut and cross and move and run and i had this sick feeling in my stomach that i may never be able to do that the same way. and i kept watching kaylie and her knee brace, watching her knee look so... weak. i really dont think i can handle being manager. i cant even handle going to the tryouts. i feel like im being deprived of air... my entire life, at any given time, i was on a team. ive never not played. kaylie could handle it last year because she had only been playing 3 years. its a hobby to her. but it was my life. it was who i was, it was me. people still introduce me as "this is jill, she plays soccer" and i feel like a lier.
i went from being mvp, regonal allstar to...manager
i cant fucking do this.
i was ok until the season started. i think i surpressed everything until now and its all coming out at once. im getting to the point in my therapy where i can do more and i feel normal, but i cant because im not normal yet... its so cruel.
oh well..
anyway, so valentines. valentines was great, probably the best day of my life. Daniel came to pick me up, he look incredible. he was wearing this tight green short sleeve collered shirt that i had never seen before that matched his eyes and his hair and his pants that make his ass look great. his hair was all slicked back but still fluffy and he had on a hint of mascara. he took my countryside choker (the green circle with the tree imprinted in it on the thick green string) and he looked amazing. i was looking pretty snazzy too... those tight kakies (Sp) i have and that black lace tank top with my button down pinstripe collered shirt and my black and white spats. i looked pretty sessy. we looked sessy.
so yeah, we had kind of agreed that buying shit was stupid and un romantic, so he didnt get anything for me, i didnt really want anything. i couldnt really help it thought so i bought him a venus razor for his legs and wrote him two poems and a short story and gave him one of my drinking horns that he had talked about at the ren, festival and said "hey baby, im horney" he tied it to his belt and wore it all day, it was so cute. he loved the poetry and gave my the best hug and kiss(es) ever. my mom gave us 50 so we could have a good time w/o stressing about money since he just paid for all his car repairs.
we went to lotus buffet to eat, it was a lot of fun. then we went to the mall and i sat on the floor reading manga while he sat in the chair and braided my hair in books a million, then we read sex books. then we went into forever 21 and he picked out clothes that he thought would look really sexy on me, for like, only his bedroom (^^), and i tried them on for him. he bought me some silk pink underwear and lip gloss and we left to go get some dip-n-dots.
then, we went back to his house and daniel wanted to ask his dad if he would buy us some vodka. i was kind of scared at first, but i trust him so i went a long with it. we went to the abc store and he picked some out, and we went back to his house and i got drunk for the first time. daniels kind of an expert at liqour, not cause hes a drunk or anything, but more of a connosour. anyway, it was a lot of fun, we laughed a lot and just had a really good time. hes really cute when hes drunk. hes the person he would probably be if it werent for all the shit his mom has done to him over the years.
anyway, i slept over and woke up with a hangover. that wasnt too fun. he thought it was cute. we hung out for a little bit more and then i went to tremont to see farva. i feel bad that i was hungover at the show, because they did really well, but i was in a bad mood and had a headache the whole time so i bet shayna felt like i was being a bitch :/ you guys did awesome. then i bought a shirt and a cd and tried not to get lost in thought during silverfish. did merch for a while, then went to my grandmas for a small visit.
ugg, i wish i cold rewind and go back to this weekend. this week has been horrible. i havent gotten more than 3 hours of sleep each night. and soccer... god, and soccer.
got bearshear though, so ive been listening to nonstop techno.
i think im doing ok at ignoring the sadness in me right now. im just thinking about pointless things, good memories, and daniel, and it helps me move on. time has actually been passing pretty fast.
i think this week has sucked so much because i started doing homework again.
dps only had about 12 people at it, but you know what? it was fun. suck it.
im going to stop thinking about soccer now, this is getting too long.