FAILURE
I think I need to take a timeout and just use it to try and figure out my life. (Although I have training every day + the final this week... unless I hurt myself again, which wouldn't be surprising with my luck). I've let everybody down. I've let myself down already a long time ago, but now I really feel like I'm such a big disappointment to everyone. They're not saying it, prob. because they know how I feel or because they just don't see HOW badly I have actually failed. Honestly, I'm good for nothing. There's absolutely NOTHING good about me. I'm stupid and have a weak character. I used to be different. I used to have ambition and used to be resilient. I guess when you get kicked so many times in the face it gets a little harder to keep those qualities. At least I'm still honest... at least a little. But other than that I'm pretty much a useless waste of space. I'm fat(too fat in my opinion anyway), ugly, stupid and honestly... not a very good person (although I try to be). I can't talk to people, I have no self-discipline and I'm constantly overwhelmed by the world around me. Basically... I feel like a retard when I'm out of the house. I try to do things differently, I try to change, I try to get somewhere and I fail. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I can't remember succeeding at anything. Everything I do ends up being wrong. My Dad used to tell me that it's not a shame to fall, but it’s a shame to stay down. That's my motto. But I keep on falling so many times that I can't remember ever being up. I'm pretty much just crawling in my own pathetic state trying to get up, but before I manage to stand up straight something knocks me down. HARD.