its something that i can't quite explain...
i'm realizing more and more how completely psychotic i am about dating. i'm terrified of new people. im not really looking for anything right now, i suppose. but i think i enjoyed having adam as an excuse sometimes. "no, sorry, i have a boyfriend, i can't dance with you, etc,etc." yeah, i know, that makes me the worst kind of person. but still. i'm afraid of going out. i don't want to meet a new person for the simple sake of dating. i'm ridiculous. i'm sitting here in my room and dreading my first imaginary date with someone i've yet to meet. if that doesn't make me crazy, i don't know what does. plus, i wouldn't want to meet someone just anywhere. i detest meeting guys in bars. no thanks, i don't really feel like signing up for an STD. and then there's that. i don't want to be someones sex puppet. which is terrible, cause i'm already assuming that every guy goes to a bar hoping to get laid. which, lets be honest, is probably true. who goes to bars to dance? PLEASE. everyone goes out and is social for one simple reason. to hook up. not in the sense you might think however, but to hookup, nonetheless. by that i mean, everyone goes out looking for someone else. maybe, just maybe they'll meet someone special. right. more like run into their next big mistake. oh great, now i'm bitter. i think i'm just freaked out because for the last 3 years, i kind of an an idea and picture of how my life was supposed to go. i could see myself 10 years down the road in a job, with kids, married. i didn't have too clear of a picture, but i could atleast see where everything was headed. now i feel like i picked up the snowglobe that is my life and shook it till every grain of sand or speck of glitter or whatever is in those things floats up to the top in a chaotic sandstorm of confusion, with no signs of settling anytime soon. it frustrating. i just want to fastforward to me in a life completely devoid of adam and start a new relationship. one that matters to both parties involved. most importantly, i want to meet someone i can be myself with, someone i can talk to. and someone who doesn't take me for granted with every chance they get.