Thinking....it hurts sometimes....
So Thanksgiving is usually one of the Holidays that I like. I mean food it good, and you get to eat a bunch of it. But this year it sucked. I had to go to my Nana's house. And well I hate it up there because she is a rich bitch. And well yeah, I have to act fake, and well when i wanna say something. I have to think about it to make sure i could say it in front of my Nana. And most of the weekend me and Nancy hung out with our cousin Sarah. Wow, I think she is....I have no clue how to describe her. Well she is a cutter. And I guess I dunno, it is weird. And she tried to slit her throat once. And she tries to O.D. on her "happy pills" But yeah, other than the part where she scares me, she is a cool person. Me and her are actually really able to talk. I mean I dunno. But yeah, I woke up early and went shopping today. It was cool, I got a jean jacket, a black jacket, and a really cute t-shirt. Like I dunno, Ricky and I were talking, and he was telling me to be open. So I said that seeing him and being with him makes me happy. And I can never be in a bad mood around him. And well I saw this t-shirt in Aeropostale. And it is like a coral color, and it has 2 frogs. And it says, "You make me so Hoppy." And I dunno, it was just cute and made me think of Ricky. Damn I almost wrote Tony. But oh, I got a call from Stacia telling me that Tony needed me and that I should call him. So I called him at like 9. And he answered. And I asked him how he was doing. And he acted like everything was ok. Then I told him I heard he wasn't ok, and then he opened up. He told me that his mom might have breast cancer. And that him and his mom are in some financial problems. His mom never works. His friend's dad just died. And Tony was really close with this guy. And well his principle might die. Well I'm not sure about the part where he might die. He is just really sick....I believe he has cancer. But I mean so much shit is going on in Tony's life. And since we broke up, he has always told me that he will always be here for me. And of course I tell him that is the same for him. But he has kept that from me! I don't understand that. Of course like I dunno, he definitely isn't over me. And I am over him. I guess something happened and it wasn't right. Like I dunno, there was just times that I knew I didn't want to be with him. But then I would convince myself I would. Like I really have no clue how to describe my feelings.
But now I have another problem. Like I have been going out with Ricky for like...uh, two and a half weeks. And like there have been a few times that I wanted to tell him that I love him. And I mean those are pretty powerful word. And I don't understand it! Like 3 weeks after I broke up with Tony, I can love someone. Something has to be wrong with me. And that is what I keep telling myself. But I know I can't change my feelings. And well he told me that he loves me. And it was weird, but it was cute. And like it is not like he has pushed me into loving him. Like i wanted to tell him that i loved him before he even told me that he loved me. And that is soo weird. And at first i thought it was just the I luv ya! But then like when we were hanging out at the mall, and he was holding me, and i looked up into his eyes, and i just had a feeling that i wanted to tell him that i loved him. But i didn't, cuz then i sat there yelling at myself...well not really yelling but like i was telling myself that it can't be love. And there is no way that I can tell Tony that I love another guy. I just don't get it! I just don't know. It would kill me to have Tony know this. I just don't know. Wait...hmm, a long time ago in mine and Tony's relationship, i thought about a break up, but i felt i couldn't cuz i might hurt Tony. Shit....I don't know!! I mean I do stuff to make other people's lives better, not mine. And in that I am hurting myself. I am not being true to myself when i do that. Ok...wait, I get it! I cried so much after the first break up cuz i hurt Tony, and i wasn't sure how being single would be. I cried when Tony was on the phone with me breaking up with me knowing I hurt him. Shit...That makes since, but it is weird. I guess i am getting at the fact that I was with Tony cuz i didn't want to break up with him and hurt him. DAMN! That is such a bad thing to say. I don't get it....how could i do that. Why, it isn't right. And the part of me that is saying this is again worried about how Tony will feel if he finds this out. Wow all this is a lot to think about and say, well type. But hmm, I just don't know. But I do know that I am going to the Art Fair with Ricky today. I think that will be fun. Wait that still doesn't answer my question type thing....Do I love Ricky. The thing is my heart says yes. Ok I'm gonna go think about this. Byez
But now I have another problem. Like I have been going out with Ricky for like...uh, two and a half weeks. And like there have been a few times that I wanted to tell him that I love him. And I mean those are pretty powerful word. And I don't understand it! Like 3 weeks after I broke up with Tony, I can love someone. Something has to be wrong with me. And that is what I keep telling myself. But I know I can't change my feelings. And well he told me that he loves me. And it was weird, but it was cute. And like it is not like he has pushed me into loving him. Like i wanted to tell him that i loved him before he even told me that he loved me. And that is soo weird. And at first i thought it was just the I luv ya! But then like when we were hanging out at the mall, and he was holding me, and i looked up into his eyes, and i just had a feeling that i wanted to tell him that i loved him. But i didn't, cuz then i sat there yelling at myself...well not really yelling but like i was telling myself that it can't be love. And there is no way that I can tell Tony that I love another guy. I just don't get it! I just don't know. It would kill me to have Tony know this. I just don't know. Wait...hmm, a long time ago in mine and Tony's relationship, i thought about a break up, but i felt i couldn't cuz i might hurt Tony. Shit....I don't know!! I mean I do stuff to make other people's lives better, not mine. And in that I am hurting myself. I am not being true to myself when i do that. Ok...wait, I get it! I cried so much after the first break up cuz i hurt Tony, and i wasn't sure how being single would be. I cried when Tony was on the phone with me breaking up with me knowing I hurt him. Shit...That makes since, but it is weird. I guess i am getting at the fact that I was with Tony cuz i didn't want to break up with him and hurt him. DAMN! That is such a bad thing to say. I don't get it....how could i do that. Why, it isn't right. And the part of me that is saying this is again worried about how Tony will feel if he finds this out. Wow all this is a lot to think about and say, well type. But hmm, I just don't know. But I do know that I am going to the Art Fair with Ricky today. I think that will be fun. Wait that still doesn't answer my question type thing....Do I love Ricky. The thing is my heart says yes. Ok I'm gonna go think about this. Byez