(no subject)
Everything I ever thought was real, was fake. I'm giving up and giving in, i'm not playing this way anymore. Take it or leave it, i'll be brand new.
I am changing myself from what I used to be and what I have become. Frankly, I am sick of everything and sick of watching people become things that they hate and ruin their own lives, I refuse to become like that. Everything I have done to get ahead, to become "in" or whatever else I am stopping. This means no more ciggaretes, I don't know why I started, but I know I am quitting, I lied flat out to my mom that I don't and I can't lie like that anymore, its time to tell the truth. I know that I smoke weed, but lately I don't, last time my "friends" did I said no thanks, and I am proud of myself for that, I don't think that I am going to stop, but not smoke as much as I used to. I don't like it when things alther my brain and my outlook, yes it's funny, but I am growing up. Yes, I am still going to buy a bowl on my birthday, but not really to smoke out of it, I think it is more of a security thing, like I know I have it but I am not going to use it, and the fact that I can buy it. Like the fact that I have not thrown out my last box of ciggaretes, knowing that I have them is a confort for me at the moment, maybe in the next weeks of so they will be gone.
The one good thing, is that I hardly drink and the times that I do it's pretty much like a celebration, like new years, and I am supposed to have a party at my lake house on my birthday, but the more I come to my senses, I don't want to. I turn 18, big deal, I am a adult now, but still it does not give me the right to do something like that, and the more I think about it, I would rather just spend that day with my friends. The sad part is most would not want to go because if I had it my way at the moment, there would not be drinking or smoking and thats what most revolve their lives around. Now I am not stopping drinking, I just am becoming a smart drinker, I don't want to get piss drunk and do stupid stuff, or throw up, because I know it all to well. I'm changing the way that I see the world, and I am doing it to better myself, if my friends would choose to do those types of things then be with me, then I say fuck um, I don't need people like that in my life. All in all though, I most likely will end up going through with this because I never speak my mind, because I am to quite to actually tell what I feel, because my father broke me down, and I can never tell anyone what I feel, because it is weak. Through my life, it has always been, act tough, don't cry, and don't tell what you feel, always put on a smile, and from this I have a cold outer shell, that is painted with a happy face.
I am changing myself from what I used to be and what I have become. Frankly, I am sick of everything and sick of watching people become things that they hate and ruin their own lives, I refuse to become like that. Everything I have done to get ahead, to become "in" or whatever else I am stopping. This means no more ciggaretes, I don't know why I started, but I know I am quitting, I lied flat out to my mom that I don't and I can't lie like that anymore, its time to tell the truth. I know that I smoke weed, but lately I don't, last time my "friends" did I said no thanks, and I am proud of myself for that, I don't think that I am going to stop, but not smoke as much as I used to. I don't like it when things alther my brain and my outlook, yes it's funny, but I am growing up. Yes, I am still going to buy a bowl on my birthday, but not really to smoke out of it, I think it is more of a security thing, like I know I have it but I am not going to use it, and the fact that I can buy it. Like the fact that I have not thrown out my last box of ciggaretes, knowing that I have them is a confort for me at the moment, maybe in the next weeks of so they will be gone.
The one good thing, is that I hardly drink and the times that I do it's pretty much like a celebration, like new years, and I am supposed to have a party at my lake house on my birthday, but the more I come to my senses, I don't want to. I turn 18, big deal, I am a adult now, but still it does not give me the right to do something like that, and the more I think about it, I would rather just spend that day with my friends. The sad part is most would not want to go because if I had it my way at the moment, there would not be drinking or smoking and thats what most revolve their lives around. Now I am not stopping drinking, I just am becoming a smart drinker, I don't want to get piss drunk and do stupid stuff, or throw up, because I know it all to well. I'm changing the way that I see the world, and I am doing it to better myself, if my friends would choose to do those types of things then be with me, then I say fuck um, I don't need people like that in my life. All in all though, I most likely will end up going through with this because I never speak my mind, because I am to quite to actually tell what I feel, because my father broke me down, and I can never tell anyone what I feel, because it is weak. Through my life, it has always been, act tough, don't cry, and don't tell what you feel, always put on a smile, and from this I have a cold outer shell, that is painted with a happy face.