(no subject)
Dear Mike,
I don't know if you'll realize I'm writing about you, if you find this. I'm hoping you don't, for the sake of my shame, but I'm also hoping you do, so you can get a glimpse at how much can change in a person in three/four years. Yes, these diametrically opposed feelings exist in one mind right now.
I think I heard about your mom dying from a stroke a few years back. There was a big to-do about, prayer circles and all that, at school at the time. I was callus, I guess, in a way... See, my friend's mom survived a stroke, and some of those are caused by aneurysms and the like. I figured, 'Hey, no wonder these kids are so damn emo.' I mean, Mum was super-sick at the time and I had my own grief; I didn't emote like those kids. I looked down on them and even called them whiny pussyboxes in my head.
But then she did die. And these kids were without their mother. Bereft...
And I felt like the biggest schmuck that was walking the earth. I avoided all of those ppl who had been affected by the tragedy. I didn't want them to see me sincerely upset for them, even though earlier I only smirked, because then they wouldn't see my change of heart as genuine. They'd scorn me and even though I could see myself possibly at the foot of a casket/urn at the same time, too, I couldn't take it. So I avoided it. I was a coward.
And then years later, I met you.
And you told me your mother died while I sat in your arms, and there was a big shuffling of people "that looks like incest, but it's all paperwork that would call any of it incest" and I realized... That was your mother, too. That was YOUR mom. You DID lose your mom, I didn't, and now I just... I feel sick, but I feel like I want to cherish you even more because of how I didn't know to comfort your family back then. To think, had I been able to come out of my grieving to seek to comfort your family, ...I would have met you then. You would have known the fat, pathetic, self-loathing curly mess of a girl I was... Not the woman that stands before you now and enjoys a Guinness and curses over Misfits songs or curses over anything, really... and is more obsessed with Conan, etc.
Then you warned me how you were trouble and would corrupt me, and I laughed, because, really, you know so very little about my past, my wild family, what I've been through. I told Mum about it, who praised you and your friends tonight. About how talented y'all are, and how the music was kool, had a grungy flavor without losing metal integrity, and you just need a good producer to get that raw talent to hit the big stages.
And you understand "it's complicated" and don't push, don't rush me in anything, because I can't forget and I can't get over... you.
But it's okay. It's going to be okay.
I'm living now. I'm giving it a good push to get busy living again.
I'm glad you met the me of now first. She's got more flaws, but she's also more perfected, fashioned in a way to better fit with present circumstances.
-Holly
[01/22/10] edit-It wasn't your mom, Dean. It was somebody's else's. Somebody who actually gives a fuck about me... and that's what hurts me most of all about my previous emotional misgivings.
I don't know if you'll realize I'm writing about you, if you find this. I'm hoping you don't, for the sake of my shame, but I'm also hoping you do, so you can get a glimpse at how much can change in a person in three/four years. Yes, these diametrically opposed feelings exist in one mind right now.
I think I heard about your mom dying from a stroke a few years back. There was a big to-do about, prayer circles and all that, at school at the time. I was callus, I guess, in a way... See, my friend's mom survived a stroke, and some of those are caused by aneurysms and the like. I figured, 'Hey, no wonder these kids are so damn emo.' I mean, Mum was super-sick at the time and I had my own grief; I didn't emote like those kids. I looked down on them and even called them whiny pussyboxes in my head.
But then she did die. And these kids were without their mother. Bereft...
And I felt like the biggest schmuck that was walking the earth. I avoided all of those ppl who had been affected by the tragedy. I didn't want them to see me sincerely upset for them, even though earlier I only smirked, because then they wouldn't see my change of heart as genuine. They'd scorn me and even though I could see myself possibly at the foot of a casket/urn at the same time, too, I couldn't take it. So I avoided it. I was a coward.
And then years later, I met you.
And you told me your mother died while I sat in your arms, and there was a big shuffling of people "that looks like incest, but it's all paperwork that would call any of it incest" and I realized... That was your mother, too. That was YOUR mom. You DID lose your mom, I didn't, and now I just... I feel sick, but I feel like I want to cherish you even more because of how I didn't know to comfort your family back then. To think, had I been able to come out of my grieving to seek to comfort your family, ...I would have met you then. You would have known the fat, pathetic, self-loathing curly mess of a girl I was... Not the woman that stands before you now and enjoys a Guinness and curses over Misfits songs or curses over anything, really... and is more obsessed with Conan, etc.
Then you warned me how you were trouble and would corrupt me, and I laughed, because, really, you know so very little about my past, my wild family, what I've been through. I told Mum about it, who praised you and your friends tonight. About how talented y'all are, and how the music was kool, had a grungy flavor without losing metal integrity, and you just need a good producer to get that raw talent to hit the big stages.
And you understand "it's complicated" and don't push, don't rush me in anything, because I can't forget and I can't get over... you.
But it's okay. It's going to be okay.
I'm living now. I'm giving it a good push to get busy living again.
I'm glad you met the me of now first. She's got more flaws, but she's also more perfected, fashioned in a way to better fit with present circumstances.
-Holly
[01/22/10] edit-It wasn't your mom, Dean. It was somebody's else's. Somebody who actually gives a fuck about me... and that's what hurts me most of all about my previous emotional misgivings.