Lost Time
For those you just tuning in, or even for long-time readers/familiars with me and journaling from years and years ago, I've felt the need to address something rather important.
I need to address the impetus of my conceit. My narcissism...
Years upon years of self-loathing teach you that you are disgusting.
Years upon years of rejection from this and that crush teach you that you are unattractive/unlovable.
Years upon years of falling below astronimical expectations teach you that success isn't for you.
What is me, Holly, has been trapped behind a meat curtain for... years. I can't say decades. I've hedged around this, but its name is 片想い-it was the soil to grow this darkness of the heart. This moniker holds so much renewed and matured pain in it.
Maybe I've written about it before, but David and I have realized... Maybe we're becoming our true selves. Which explains why I've spoken of "Evelyn" and "片想い" as separate entities related to my person. They are personas I take on in order to operate in certain instances. We all have these "performance faces", these "selves" we put on for certain people. Others may not have the awareness enough to be able to identify them, but it's not so severe like Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Anyway.
For all of my years of self-loathing, hyper self-consciousness, judging my exterior self so harshly, romantic neglect, and sneering at skinnier guys holding high superficial physicality standards... I've come to appreciate a lot of things I never thought I would. ...And it looks like conceit, narcissism, and other unsavory and unpleasant words you can find.
I don't know how to celebrate living (or learning how to live) in this new body without it sounding/looking like I'm bragging. And then people like past!me would read it and hate/judge/sneer at me, wasting negative feelings on me instead of using them to fuel them toward their own change and betterment.
Someone from my past has come back into my life on a whim of my own, and we were superficially speaking about how much we've changed. I've realized that the me of 6 years ago would hate the me of now. She would judge me bitterly, "pray for me", and scorn me. Deep down, she'd be jealous of me, beyond words, because she couldn't envision herself of achieving the same things. If someone said to the me of then, "That is you in 6 years," I would've set her and the messenger both on fire and knocked them off a cliff.
That's not me. But it is.
I'm not a jealous person by nature, but early in my "adulthood", I have looked on things like "Urgh I wish I had what she has" and it would make me mad but stagnant. However, I have proven to myself I can get what I want. I can achieve "impossible"s, if I actively strive toward them. Activity is key; sitting and stewing in stagnation is what gave root to my fits of jealousy.
Jealousy was my excuse not to actively strive to achieve the levels of "awesome" I coveted in others.
I fear I have alienated some I hold dear for this new reimagining of self. I have insecurities, but I don't let them tie me down. Many of my newer friends are, to me, "slender people". They're people who have never been 200+lbs. There's something about crossing into that threshhold of obesity that completely screws with your psychological approach to life. They don't understand that ppl who weigh 200+lbs see these girls who weigh less than that like "supermodels". But these "supermodels" still think they're fat.
Now that I'm no longer a member of the 200+ club, I do realize that, to "supermodels", girls who have been 150lbs or less their entire lives, who have never lived in an officially obese body, can't comprehend how someone like me who is 170.0lbs can see themselves as "supermodels".
Basically, there are skinny chicks who still think I'm a fat chick.
But to me? I'm a skinny chick. I'm the skinniest chick I've ever been to me.
I know some people will always look at me and go "what a fat hog" but... I don't. I've seen my "fat hog" self.
That's why I sought and found a way to kill her, because she's not me.
She's a person I was placed into, that I inhabited for a long time. I never felt at home in her; I abused her in ways I will not share. I hated her for what she didn't want to be for herself.
Then I realized my purpose, and I became determined to dismantle her completely, until I could start seeing the real me in there. I had to hack away pounds, make changes to my lifestyle that felt natural, normal, welcome, to begin to realize the real me was buried beneath the fat cow that I had let Suffering and Victim Complex drape over me.
The worst part, is that Thomas was in the middle of his own "Russian Revolution" deal, too, but what made it bad was that I lost him 3/4s of the way through. I had no one to discuss and manage these mental fluctuations with anymore. But like the Lord giveth, He taketh away. As I lost Thomas, He stepped forward and assigned David into the task of being a co-conspirator of physical improvement/change.
"I don't know who I am anymore, David. I'm not this fat chick 片想い anymore. I don't hate myself like she did. I can do things she couldn't. I feel things she would have never imagined. That me is dead now, David. Who is this before you?"
"Maybe now you're Holly. You've always had the personality, but now the body is matching up with it."
And that's what counts, overall. How I see me, because how I see me affects how I have you see me. I can't control what good or bad you think, but... I just know it's hard for me to deal with the mismatch, and I apologize, in advance, for any difficulty you have reconciling what you knew with what you now know.
I need to address the impetus of my conceit. My narcissism...
Years upon years of self-loathing teach you that you are disgusting.
Years upon years of rejection from this and that crush teach you that you are unattractive/unlovable.
Years upon years of falling below astronimical expectations teach you that success isn't for you.
What is me, Holly, has been trapped behind a meat curtain for... years. I can't say decades. I've hedged around this, but its name is 片想い-it was the soil to grow this darkness of the heart. This moniker holds so much renewed and matured pain in it.
Maybe I've written about it before, but David and I have realized... Maybe we're becoming our true selves. Which explains why I've spoken of "Evelyn" and "片想い" as separate entities related to my person. They are personas I take on in order to operate in certain instances. We all have these "performance faces", these "selves" we put on for certain people. Others may not have the awareness enough to be able to identify them, but it's not so severe like Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Anyway.
For all of my years of self-loathing, hyper self-consciousness, judging my exterior self so harshly, romantic neglect, and sneering at skinnier guys holding high superficial physicality standards... I've come to appreciate a lot of things I never thought I would. ...And it looks like conceit, narcissism, and other unsavory and unpleasant words you can find.
I don't know how to celebrate living (or learning how to live) in this new body without it sounding/looking like I'm bragging. And then people like past!me would read it and hate/judge/sneer at me, wasting negative feelings on me instead of using them to fuel them toward their own change and betterment.
Someone from my past has come back into my life on a whim of my own, and we were superficially speaking about how much we've changed. I've realized that the me of 6 years ago would hate the me of now. She would judge me bitterly, "pray for me", and scorn me. Deep down, she'd be jealous of me, beyond words, because she couldn't envision herself of achieving the same things. If someone said to the me of then, "That is you in 6 years," I would've set her and the messenger both on fire and knocked them off a cliff.
That's not me. But it is.
I'm not a jealous person by nature, but early in my "adulthood", I have looked on things like "Urgh I wish I had what she has" and it would make me mad but stagnant. However, I have proven to myself I can get what I want. I can achieve "impossible"s, if I actively strive toward them. Activity is key; sitting and stewing in stagnation is what gave root to my fits of jealousy.
Jealousy was my excuse not to actively strive to achieve the levels of "awesome" I coveted in others.
I fear I have alienated some I hold dear for this new reimagining of self. I have insecurities, but I don't let them tie me down. Many of my newer friends are, to me, "slender people". They're people who have never been 200+lbs. There's something about crossing into that threshhold of obesity that completely screws with your psychological approach to life. They don't understand that ppl who weigh 200+lbs see these girls who weigh less than that like "supermodels". But these "supermodels" still think they're fat.
Now that I'm no longer a member of the 200+ club, I do realize that, to "supermodels", girls who have been 150lbs or less their entire lives, who have never lived in an officially obese body, can't comprehend how someone like me who is 170.0lbs can see themselves as "supermodels".
Basically, there are skinny chicks who still think I'm a fat chick.
But to me? I'm a skinny chick. I'm the skinniest chick I've ever been to me.
I know some people will always look at me and go "what a fat hog" but... I don't. I've seen my "fat hog" self.
That's why I sought and found a way to kill her, because she's not me.
She's a person I was placed into, that I inhabited for a long time. I never felt at home in her; I abused her in ways I will not share. I hated her for what she didn't want to be for herself.
Then I realized my purpose, and I became determined to dismantle her completely, until I could start seeing the real me in there. I had to hack away pounds, make changes to my lifestyle that felt natural, normal, welcome, to begin to realize the real me was buried beneath the fat cow that I had let Suffering and Victim Complex drape over me.
The worst part, is that Thomas was in the middle of his own "Russian Revolution" deal, too, but what made it bad was that I lost him 3/4s of the way through. I had no one to discuss and manage these mental fluctuations with anymore. But like the Lord giveth, He taketh away. As I lost Thomas, He stepped forward and assigned David into the task of being a co-conspirator of physical improvement/change.
"I don't know who I am anymore, David. I'm not this fat chick 片想い anymore. I don't hate myself like she did. I can do things she couldn't. I feel things she would have never imagined. That me is dead now, David. Who is this before you?"
"Maybe now you're Holly. You've always had the personality, but now the body is matching up with it."
And that's what counts, overall. How I see me, because how I see me affects how I have you see me. I can't control what good or bad you think, but... I just know it's hard for me to deal with the mismatch, and I apologize, in advance, for any difficulty you have reconciling what you knew with what you now know.