Part Lie Redaction
Earlier, I said I didn't want to talk to anyone at work for an incorrect reason. What brought on this realization was waking up from an Inception-esque dream.
The dream was wrong. The setting was this old mall I had been in before, but this time, the people in it were acting differently. Out of character. And the backdrop people, who would/should have turned to pay attention to the hubbub, weren't and didn't. If you heard someone speaking very loudly, almost yelling, people would stop and gawk.
That, and Thomas was far too tall (6'2" or 6'3") for it to be a realistic dream.
Thursday night when I found out Thomas quit from everyone and their mom and their brothers, I had no problem talking to people afterward. But it was only when they brought up that subject that I would stop talking and walk away. I do want to talk to them, and I did to one or two last night, but what kept me away was everyone's pity-filled glances. In my head, all I could hear coming from people was "可愛そう。。。" and it made me sick.
Les hasn't looked at me that way from the start. Always the same, "Hey, darlin'."
Lucky for both of us he's too old and gross. I remind him that daily and he laughs.
I don't think Thomas wanted me to go away so much; I just think it's more along the lines of how I feel now: I don't want to talk about or deal with that big white elephant in the room or risk conversation that can lead to that subject. That's why, either the night before what became his last night I was working too, we had a great time cracking on Josh's shoes and just... IDK talking like normal ppl can. It refreshed me. That in the moment of forgetting our drama we were able to just be then, too. I was reassured that wicked sense of humor wasn't dead in him, that we could still laugh.
God is in His heaven. All is right in the world.
The sad part is that we couldn't really talk, you know. Not freely, not like before, despite how binine it was. We lost that luxury, I guess. I guess, rightfully so. And how can you start a conversation in passing? But we could and did speak to each other. Flimsy work things, yes, but nothing else. Not about anything that mattered. We couldn't talk personally because it would lead down a thorn-ridden rabbit hole.
I did get to talk to Simarria a little Thursday night, about Aaron, which was good to hear about, but when she brought up Thomas, too, I walked away. I wasn't doing it to be rude, but she knew why.
But I'm avoiding them until the news gets old. It's a forced acquaintanceship, but until they're able to get to where they can talk to me like a human with something on my heart/mind more than the obvious and about something not that, it'll be easier. I'll talk to them gladly. But until that ends, I want them to go away. They don't care about me, just my reaction.
I can fall apart quietly, organized, without them getting the satisfaction of "getting a rise out of me" as Mum puts it.
I can suffer silently. Alone.
Like I said I would.
Hopefully, this time, I won't lose my hair again. It was 80% grown back in where it fell out.
The dream was wrong. The setting was this old mall I had been in before, but this time, the people in it were acting differently. Out of character. And the backdrop people, who would/should have turned to pay attention to the hubbub, weren't and didn't. If you heard someone speaking very loudly, almost yelling, people would stop and gawk.
That, and Thomas was far too tall (6'2" or 6'3") for it to be a realistic dream.
Thursday night when I found out Thomas quit from everyone and their mom and their brothers, I had no problem talking to people afterward. But it was only when they brought up that subject that I would stop talking and walk away. I do want to talk to them, and I did to one or two last night, but what kept me away was everyone's pity-filled glances. In my head, all I could hear coming from people was "可愛そう。。。" and it made me sick.
Les hasn't looked at me that way from the start. Always the same, "Hey, darlin'."
Lucky for both of us he's too old and gross. I remind him that daily and he laughs.
I don't think Thomas wanted me to go away so much; I just think it's more along the lines of how I feel now: I don't want to talk about or deal with that big white elephant in the room or risk conversation that can lead to that subject. That's why, either the night before what became his last night I was working too, we had a great time cracking on Josh's shoes and just... IDK talking like normal ppl can. It refreshed me. That in the moment of forgetting our drama we were able to just be then, too. I was reassured that wicked sense of humor wasn't dead in him, that we could still laugh.
God is in His heaven. All is right in the world.
The sad part is that we couldn't really talk, you know. Not freely, not like before, despite how binine it was. We lost that luxury, I guess. I guess, rightfully so. And how can you start a conversation in passing? But we could and did speak to each other. Flimsy work things, yes, but nothing else. Not about anything that mattered. We couldn't talk personally because it would lead down a thorn-ridden rabbit hole.
I did get to talk to Simarria a little Thursday night, about Aaron, which was good to hear about, but when she brought up Thomas, too, I walked away. I wasn't doing it to be rude, but she knew why.
But I'm avoiding them until the news gets old. It's a forced acquaintanceship, but until they're able to get to where they can talk to me like a human with something on my heart/mind more than the obvious and about something not that, it'll be easier. I'll talk to them gladly. But until that ends, I want them to go away. They don't care about me, just my reaction.
I can fall apart quietly, organized, without them getting the satisfaction of "getting a rise out of me" as Mum puts it.
I can suffer silently. Alone.
Like I said I would.
Hopefully, this time, I won't lose my hair again. It was 80% grown back in where it fell out.