(no subject)
How do I even do this?
Hello. Hi.
Going through these posts from years ago is a combination of cringy and sad. A child trying to find who they where in a world they had no clue about. Like a lamb to the proverbial slaughter if you will.
Here I am, twenty-six now, and only now realizing just how clingy I was. How smothering I must of been. I'm so very sorry.
I wish I could explain everything. I wish I could APOLOGIZE to everyone.
(2020)
The above was a draft from sometime in 2016 or 2017??
It doesn't matter tho really.
Here I am. 2020 and I'll be 30 in a month and some change.
I wish I could apologize to everyone who was acquainted with me back in "those days".
Amber Clark
I hope if by some chance of luck one day you might see this. Because just like back then, I'm ashamed to send it to you directly.
I was scared. I was afraid of being cast aside again. You just turned so cold after Andrew and I started dating. I knew you'd be upset, but not enough that it would of ruined all those years. It always came back when I'd see you online or when we'd talk. I'm sorry for ghosting you so much.
When I stepped into the real world as an "adult" everything I thought I knew shattered. I was very unstable and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to see all the things I had mentioned in my moments of distress and frustration with everything going on around me.
I have dreams of our friendships still. Some are reoccurring. It's strange.
You have your own life now and that's fantastic! I hope the world treats you well and that you stay safe during this pandemic. Thank you for all the fun we had during our school years. I'm so sorry that I could never reciprocate your feelings. I had no clue who I was and it took me almost ten years to find out.
You will never know how much you really meant to me.
Ber
I don't have anything to apologize for. I can safely say now as an adult that I'm positive I don't like you. I enjoyed some of the times we spent time together, but you and I never mixed well. You never "got me" and kudos to you because you did try. I also don't really appreciate the way you spoke down to me when you got angry. I feel like a lot of the drama that started in our group stemmed from you. Because things never got as awkward or uncomfortable as they did in high school before you showed up. This is all in the past, yes, and we've spoken a few times over the past ten years. I just have never been able to shake it.
I have blocked you on my social media. You always try to warm back up to me randomly and I just can't have that again.
Sorry if that makes me a bitch, but get over it.
Glad you are doing well and you've got the family you dreamed of.
Anastasia
Still, today I don't know who told you I laughed or whatever at your Mother passing when we were in high school. I loved your mom and was aghast when I heard about it.
Our time together was like a firework. We were so close for two years and just as soon as it started it was over. I'm sure you got tired of a lot of my bullshit. Trust me, reading back through some of these journals I can't tolerate myself. I'm sorry for how I had acted at your grandmother's house (she was really lovely btw). I really have no explanation for it outside of I was dumb and didn't know any better. That was wrong and I'll always live with the guilt of reliving some of those moments.
Also. What in the hell was with you and Marisa treating me like crap on DeviantArt back in the day? I didn't really know how to react to it and it had honestly scared me. I was very naive, yes, but was it really appropriate?
Regardless, I'm not super sure how well you are doing. I know you had a son and have your own soap business. But, like Ber I have you blocked on most of my social media as well. Nothing personal really I just relive a lot of bad moments when I see you. I hope you do well with where ever life is taking you. Also I hope you and your family are doing well and staying safe during these odd times.
Marisa
Thanks for tolerating me. You and I never got close. I do still hold those "anime" days close to my heart and am forever grateful for you sharing your manga with me.
I think I made a comment about one of your sisters at some point and it upset you. I didn't mean it negatively.
Hope you doing well and are safe.
Jusy
You're the only one I still have around on social media and I believe are the person I've known the longest out of the group.
I'm so sorry for the things I've done during our time together. I just wanted to fit in and be like you.
I see you do a lot of social justice not only online, but in real life as well. I hope you continue to be the strong and uplifting woman that you've become.
So. That's that.
Almost, if not, all of you will never see any of this.
I can say I'm no longer that loud, spontaneous, weird girl. I was looking for attention and praise that I wasn't getting in my own family. My family dynamic was a lot crazier than I had honestly realized and it took five years of therapy to wrap my head around it.
I've been on medication for about four years now and it has significantly changed my life for the positive. I do still have anxiety and panic attacks as well as bouts of PTSD, but I can stand on my own two feet. A lot of the people who have been with me these past few years walk on eggshells around me because they've heard of how fragile I had become.
And to an extent, there are times when I do still think that I'd rather be anywhere else but alive. Yet here I am.
I may come back and use this. LJ is so quiet now that it's almost homey.
Got to as the kids say "rebrand" this if I do.
Hello. Hi.
Going through these posts from years ago is a combination of cringy and sad. A child trying to find who they where in a world they had no clue about. Like a lamb to the proverbial slaughter if you will.
Here I am, twenty-six now, and only now realizing just how clingy I was. How smothering I must of been. I'm so very sorry.
I wish I could explain everything. I wish I could APOLOGIZE to everyone.
(2020)
The above was a draft from sometime in 2016 or 2017??
It doesn't matter tho really.
Here I am. 2020 and I'll be 30 in a month and some change.
I wish I could apologize to everyone who was acquainted with me back in "those days".
Amber Clark
I hope if by some chance of luck one day you might see this. Because just like back then, I'm ashamed to send it to you directly.
I was scared. I was afraid of being cast aside again. You just turned so cold after Andrew and I started dating. I knew you'd be upset, but not enough that it would of ruined all those years. It always came back when I'd see you online or when we'd talk. I'm sorry for ghosting you so much.
When I stepped into the real world as an "adult" everything I thought I knew shattered. I was very unstable and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve to see all the things I had mentioned in my moments of distress and frustration with everything going on around me.
I have dreams of our friendships still. Some are reoccurring. It's strange.
You have your own life now and that's fantastic! I hope the world treats you well and that you stay safe during this pandemic. Thank you for all the fun we had during our school years. I'm so sorry that I could never reciprocate your feelings. I had no clue who I was and it took me almost ten years to find out.
You will never know how much you really meant to me.
Ber
I don't have anything to apologize for. I can safely say now as an adult that I'm positive I don't like you. I enjoyed some of the times we spent time together, but you and I never mixed well. You never "got me" and kudos to you because you did try. I also don't really appreciate the way you spoke down to me when you got angry. I feel like a lot of the drama that started in our group stemmed from you. Because things never got as awkward or uncomfortable as they did in high school before you showed up. This is all in the past, yes, and we've spoken a few times over the past ten years. I just have never been able to shake it.
I have blocked you on my social media. You always try to warm back up to me randomly and I just can't have that again.
Sorry if that makes me a bitch, but get over it.
Glad you are doing well and you've got the family you dreamed of.
Anastasia
Still, today I don't know who told you I laughed or whatever at your Mother passing when we were in high school. I loved your mom and was aghast when I heard about it.
Our time together was like a firework. We were so close for two years and just as soon as it started it was over. I'm sure you got tired of a lot of my bullshit. Trust me, reading back through some of these journals I can't tolerate myself. I'm sorry for how I had acted at your grandmother's house (she was really lovely btw). I really have no explanation for it outside of I was dumb and didn't know any better. That was wrong and I'll always live with the guilt of reliving some of those moments.
Also. What in the hell was with you and Marisa treating me like crap on DeviantArt back in the day? I didn't really know how to react to it and it had honestly scared me. I was very naive, yes, but was it really appropriate?
Regardless, I'm not super sure how well you are doing. I know you had a son and have your own soap business. But, like Ber I have you blocked on most of my social media as well. Nothing personal really I just relive a lot of bad moments when I see you. I hope you do well with where ever life is taking you. Also I hope you and your family are doing well and staying safe during these odd times.
Marisa
Thanks for tolerating me. You and I never got close. I do still hold those "anime" days close to my heart and am forever grateful for you sharing your manga with me.
I think I made a comment about one of your sisters at some point and it upset you. I didn't mean it negatively.
Hope you doing well and are safe.
Jusy
You're the only one I still have around on social media and I believe are the person I've known the longest out of the group.
I'm so sorry for the things I've done during our time together. I just wanted to fit in and be like you.
I see you do a lot of social justice not only online, but in real life as well. I hope you continue to be the strong and uplifting woman that you've become.
So. That's that.
Almost, if not, all of you will never see any of this.
I can say I'm no longer that loud, spontaneous, weird girl. I was looking for attention and praise that I wasn't getting in my own family. My family dynamic was a lot crazier than I had honestly realized and it took five years of therapy to wrap my head around it.
I've been on medication for about four years now and it has significantly changed my life for the positive. I do still have anxiety and panic attacks as well as bouts of PTSD, but I can stand on my own two feet. A lot of the people who have been with me these past few years walk on eggshells around me because they've heard of how fragile I had become.
And to an extent, there are times when I do still think that I'd rather be anywhere else but alive. Yet here I am.
I may come back and use this. LJ is so quiet now that it's almost homey.
Got to as the kids say "rebrand" this if I do.