Letters are written...Never meaning to send
My dearest Jody;
I write this to you now with no intention of sending it to you. Kim knows me well, and knew that I would write to you, but insisted that I not call, email, or message you because you need your space to think or whatever. I fear that by the time you are done thinking that you will have forgotten what you were even thinking about, and have forgotten me in the process. Others tell me that you - like them - will never forget me. Apparently to all that I know I am quite unforgettable, but that is neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that I will not forget you, and I will not forget the times that we shared.
I do not begrudge you your decision, I just hurt deeply as a result. It seems to never fail that at the point where I begin to want to reveal what I keep hidden deep inside, the person I go to reveal it to has become tired of waiting and calls it quits on the whole thing. I defend my heart like it is the most precious of jewels, an it takes a while before I truly reveal it to a person. There is a reason for that, and maybe you understand this. I've been hurt a lot over the years, and with each time I hurt the pain is more intense.
You walked into my life and I feared that you would be like all the rest. I feared that you would take what you wanted and then toss me aside. I didn't want that to happen, so I protected parts of myself, the parts to easily injured. I wanted so much to reveal to you my hopes and dreams, but was frightened to. I would have in time, and was ready to but it felt that you had begun at that point to pull away from me.
I wanted to give you happiness, and now I have lost the chance because it takes so very long for me to open up. And each day I try to speak to you in some fashion, just to touch bases if nothing else. We used to have a friendship, and then we became involved and through the course of that the friendship faded. I need you right now, if as nothing more than a friend who cares. You were the only person I had here, the only person I could go to for a little rest, and for conversation. You were the only person I could go to just be with where I knew what to expect, and I was okay with that.
I have no one here really. No one to talk to about things. I try to talk to my mother from time to time but that is always interrupted by my step father who has no respect for anyone. I distanced myelf from most everyone I knew in Birmingham because...Because one of my "friends" tried to rape me and they all want to "see it from both sides." I mean, I can understand that it is a strange situation when one of your friends says that another of your friends tried to rape her, but then they didn't know the whole story either. Nor do you. No one really does. But I distanced myself from them becuase of things toxic to me. Other things happened and I landed myself back here in this area, and you called me one day. I was rather shocked, but at the same time it made me smile.
I felt the day you called that you were the type of person who would keep trying until it was plain to everyone that it wouldn't work. I was wrong. I am angry because you didn't really give me a chance to open up to you, and it felt that you were keeping me hidden so that you didn't have to explain to people - like your daughter - what happened to me once I was gone. I'm envious of others who are allowed to be such a part of your life, but I suppose that they deserve it. I just wish I knew what I did to make you feel that I didn't deserve that opportunity. I mean, I invited you here to be with my family, but...I remained hidden from all connected to you. Well, except your gaming friends.
I thought I would shed no tears, or at most a few, but here I sit still shedding tears. I loved you and still love you. I miss you more than you can imagine. I miss the things we did when we first started to see each other.
I'm sorry for having put so much pressure on you as of late. I'm sorry for needing you. I'm sorry that I was so slow to open up to you. I'm sorry for a lot of things. Mostly I am sorry that I inconvenienced you by taking up so much of your time while we were together and since you decided to end it. I'm sorry that I don't want to let go, that I want to work at it and at least try to make it work. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I demand so much from you. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the things that would have made you happy.
I had hoped that this would be it. I wanted to be with you until the end. I had hoped that you would feel the same at some point. I learned that you were the type of person who could appreciate the things that I would give, but I supposed that I learned that a little too late.
You have no obligations to me. You don't have to talk to me any further about the situation. You don't have to think about it any further. You don't have to consider retracting your decision. I mean, it was your decision and I should respect it. Just know, no matter what, that I do love you, and that I will miss you greatly for some time to come. I miss you so much now that I am having a hard time holding it together to write this. I mean, it isn't like I am going to send it to you, but still.
I miss your arms wrapped around me. I miss being held by you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing your eyes sparkle. I miss watching you walk. I miss seeing you flash me when you got out of the shower. I miss the way we would turn over in the bed at the same time. I miss you. I just love you and miss you. So much.
Love always and forever...
Michele
I write this to you now with no intention of sending it to you. Kim knows me well, and knew that I would write to you, but insisted that I not call, email, or message you because you need your space to think or whatever. I fear that by the time you are done thinking that you will have forgotten what you were even thinking about, and have forgotten me in the process. Others tell me that you - like them - will never forget me. Apparently to all that I know I am quite unforgettable, but that is neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that I will not forget you, and I will not forget the times that we shared.
I do not begrudge you your decision, I just hurt deeply as a result. It seems to never fail that at the point where I begin to want to reveal what I keep hidden deep inside, the person I go to reveal it to has become tired of waiting and calls it quits on the whole thing. I defend my heart like it is the most precious of jewels, an it takes a while before I truly reveal it to a person. There is a reason for that, and maybe you understand this. I've been hurt a lot over the years, and with each time I hurt the pain is more intense.
You walked into my life and I feared that you would be like all the rest. I feared that you would take what you wanted and then toss me aside. I didn't want that to happen, so I protected parts of myself, the parts to easily injured. I wanted so much to reveal to you my hopes and dreams, but was frightened to. I would have in time, and was ready to but it felt that you had begun at that point to pull away from me.
I wanted to give you happiness, and now I have lost the chance because it takes so very long for me to open up. And each day I try to speak to you in some fashion, just to touch bases if nothing else. We used to have a friendship, and then we became involved and through the course of that the friendship faded. I need you right now, if as nothing more than a friend who cares. You were the only person I had here, the only person I could go to for a little rest, and for conversation. You were the only person I could go to just be with where I knew what to expect, and I was okay with that.
I have no one here really. No one to talk to about things. I try to talk to my mother from time to time but that is always interrupted by my step father who has no respect for anyone. I distanced myelf from most everyone I knew in Birmingham because...Because one of my "friends" tried to rape me and they all want to "see it from both sides." I mean, I can understand that it is a strange situation when one of your friends says that another of your friends tried to rape her, but then they didn't know the whole story either. Nor do you. No one really does. But I distanced myself from them becuase of things toxic to me. Other things happened and I landed myself back here in this area, and you called me one day. I was rather shocked, but at the same time it made me smile.
I felt the day you called that you were the type of person who would keep trying until it was plain to everyone that it wouldn't work. I was wrong. I am angry because you didn't really give me a chance to open up to you, and it felt that you were keeping me hidden so that you didn't have to explain to people - like your daughter - what happened to me once I was gone. I'm envious of others who are allowed to be such a part of your life, but I suppose that they deserve it. I just wish I knew what I did to make you feel that I didn't deserve that opportunity. I mean, I invited you here to be with my family, but...I remained hidden from all connected to you. Well, except your gaming friends.
I thought I would shed no tears, or at most a few, but here I sit still shedding tears. I loved you and still love you. I miss you more than you can imagine. I miss the things we did when we first started to see each other.
I'm sorry for having put so much pressure on you as of late. I'm sorry for needing you. I'm sorry that I was so slow to open up to you. I'm sorry for a lot of things. Mostly I am sorry that I inconvenienced you by taking up so much of your time while we were together and since you decided to end it. I'm sorry that I don't want to let go, that I want to work at it and at least try to make it work. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I demand so much from you. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you the things that would have made you happy.
I had hoped that this would be it. I wanted to be with you until the end. I had hoped that you would feel the same at some point. I learned that you were the type of person who could appreciate the things that I would give, but I supposed that I learned that a little too late.
You have no obligations to me. You don't have to talk to me any further about the situation. You don't have to think about it any further. You don't have to consider retracting your decision. I mean, it was your decision and I should respect it. Just know, no matter what, that I do love you, and that I will miss you greatly for some time to come. I miss you so much now that I am having a hard time holding it together to write this. I mean, it isn't like I am going to send it to you, but still.
I miss your arms wrapped around me. I miss being held by you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing your eyes sparkle. I miss watching you walk. I miss seeing you flash me when you got out of the shower. I miss the way we would turn over in the bed at the same time. I miss you. I just love you and miss you. So much.
Love always and forever...
Michele