Who would have thought?
Jordan's back. We've been hanging out with a group of friends the past couple weeks. I don't know how to feel about it. Last night we got drunk. Always a bad idea with an ex. Especially since I know that Jordan is still in love with me. He kind of cornered me last night and kissed me. It was so weird, but I loved it. Of course from then on out every chance we were alone we kissed. I woke up this morning and just cried and cried. Started reading my journals from when we were together. I have these 3 pictures of us that make me smile so much. One is us at Swiss, one of the first we took together. The other two are from our first school dance together. One of them is a picture of us kissing. Me scooped up in his arms with snow all around. You can tell we're both smiling.
I just look at these pictures and wonder why I can't feel for him the way I used to. I miss him so much. I miss us together. We were perfect. I know it's up to me whether or not we get back together, but I just know that if we do it will be forever this time.
I don't like reality.
So, in the little dream world I've been living in for the past seven months, since the day I met Zach, everything has been grand. We've actually seriously been talking about seeing one another again. I think? I was serious anyway haha. I woke up with a text from him this morning that said "Okay baby". I had no idea what I had said to him. I was a bit intoxicated last night, but I read my sent messages and it was basically me telling him in the most drunken way possible to come over lol. Because that's so easy to do when you're a thousand miles away. However, before that he was saying "I can't be there". I decided that between the two of us, I'm not making the first move. So, if he cares enough to see me again, he will. And it's not that I don't want to see him, I do very much, it's just that I can't make the first move again. For the sake of my emotional well-being haha. We did talk about meeting halfway, though. That way it would only be about a 9 hour drive for the both of us and a hundred in gas, rather than a 300 dollar plane ticket and whatnot. Ummm... so, yep. It might be a while before I start dating again just because I feel like I can't until I figure out what being with Zach could be like. I'm too curious at this point, and I can't get past him until I know.
So, on a completely different subject, an entry from June 2005 that I read just now sort of intrigued me. And since no one reads this, I think it's okay that I talk about it on here. I feel like I need to talk about it. In ummm... January of 2006 I developed(? or whatever...) bulimia. That sentence sounds so weird to me.... I don't really feel like it's too out of hand though. Even though 3 years later it's still a problem. I went to a therapist. Not even for that... I don't know why I went. The mom made me. Anyway, that ended up coming out, my mom cried. She made me promise to never do it again. At that point I was underweight, though. In December of 2007 she found out about it again right before I moved to Evansville and threatened not to let me go unless I got a therpist down there for it. No,thank you. I never told Jordan about it because I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. So, I decided when I was with Ryan that maybe I should tell him so that I could legitimately try to help myself without going to a therapist. He promised to quit smoking if I promised to quit purging. We were both helping ourselves, while struggling in the process. He lied. Never stopped smoking. Everyone made that call. I'm an idiot. I guess I sort of found a loophole, too, though. I stopped purging, but the summer we fell apart (last summer) I also stopped eating. Anyway, it just really bothers me. It feels good to finally vent about it. I honestly believe that it is one hundred percent a part of me now. Which is sad, but true because I don't want help.
That entry I read just made me think about it because I was talking about KP and her ana tendencies, and then shortly after I found my new bestfriend mia. Whatdyaknowww. It's getting out of hand, though. My weight is at an all time high. I mostly only eat by myself when I know I can purge, or I try not eating at all. It's messed up.
I just look at these pictures and wonder why I can't feel for him the way I used to. I miss him so much. I miss us together. We were perfect. I know it's up to me whether or not we get back together, but I just know that if we do it will be forever this time.
I don't like reality.
So, in the little dream world I've been living in for the past seven months, since the day I met Zach, everything has been grand. We've actually seriously been talking about seeing one another again. I think? I was serious anyway haha. I woke up with a text from him this morning that said "Okay baby". I had no idea what I had said to him. I was a bit intoxicated last night, but I read my sent messages and it was basically me telling him in the most drunken way possible to come over lol. Because that's so easy to do when you're a thousand miles away. However, before that he was saying "I can't be there". I decided that between the two of us, I'm not making the first move. So, if he cares enough to see me again, he will. And it's not that I don't want to see him, I do very much, it's just that I can't make the first move again. For the sake of my emotional well-being haha. We did talk about meeting halfway, though. That way it would only be about a 9 hour drive for the both of us and a hundred in gas, rather than a 300 dollar plane ticket and whatnot. Ummm... so, yep. It might be a while before I start dating again just because I feel like I can't until I figure out what being with Zach could be like. I'm too curious at this point, and I can't get past him until I know.
So, on a completely different subject, an entry from June 2005 that I read just now sort of intrigued me. And since no one reads this, I think it's okay that I talk about it on here. I feel like I need to talk about it. In ummm... January of 2006 I developed(? or whatever...) bulimia. That sentence sounds so weird to me.... I don't really feel like it's too out of hand though. Even though 3 years later it's still a problem. I went to a therapist. Not even for that... I don't know why I went. The mom made me. Anyway, that ended up coming out, my mom cried. She made me promise to never do it again. At that point I was underweight, though. In December of 2007 she found out about it again right before I moved to Evansville and threatened not to let me go unless I got a therpist down there for it. No,thank you. I never told Jordan about it because I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. So, I decided when I was with Ryan that maybe I should tell him so that I could legitimately try to help myself without going to a therapist. He promised to quit smoking if I promised to quit purging. We were both helping ourselves, while struggling in the process. He lied. Never stopped smoking. Everyone made that call. I'm an idiot. I guess I sort of found a loophole, too, though. I stopped purging, but the summer we fell apart (last summer) I also stopped eating. Anyway, it just really bothers me. It feels good to finally vent about it. I honestly believe that it is one hundred percent a part of me now. Which is sad, but true because I don't want help.
That entry I read just made me think about it because I was talking about KP and her ana tendencies, and then shortly after I found my new bestfriend mia. Whatdyaknowww. It's getting out of hand, though. My weight is at an all time high. I mostly only eat by myself when I know I can purge, or I try not eating at all. It's messed up.