(no subject)

[_justise_]

its odd to me that i can be so suicidal at a time when im so happy. not that i would do anything stupid like that, but i just cant help but think,
"i wouldnt mind dying right now cause im really happy. i mean yeah i havent done everything i want to, but i never will and i dont want to be one of those bitter old people who lives in the past because back then, they had time to do everything they wanted..."
but then i think about love. i want it. i really do. but is it worth the trouble? will they love me back? will it matter?
i cant just leave and not know if someone out there wanted to be with me more than anyone else...but then i wonder if theyve already died and thats why i dont feel the need to live.
cause its not that i particulary want to die, its just that i feel not extreme desire to live either.
im good either way
i could live
or not
its no biggie
is that disturbing to anyone else? cause it kinda freaks me the fuck out... but not in a "ohmygod! i need to go get help!" kinda way just in a "those arent normal thoughts" kinda way.
do you think i need help, cause i dont wanna tell freak my mom out by telling her this if its not necesary.
~love~