And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones?
Last night, I told my new Church friend about my...stuff. Well, I didn't go into details. I just said that I see a psychologist, awkwardly air-quoted "depression" and stuff...mentioned the whole feeling guilty thing...It was really strange.
I don't think I've ever had to tell anyone about it before. Not properly. A few of my school friends know, of course, but that's either because they were friends with me before I started going so I just kind of told them as it happened, or because they've asked me where it is I disappear to on various school days and I've casually laughed "my shrink" and joked about being crazy because it's easier that way. I've never had to sit down and say, seriously, ok, I see a psychologist.
What made that even harder is that I don't know what to say. Like, as a reason. In the space of ten minutes I can shift from thinking that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me and I just need to grow the hell up to thinking that I seriously need to be locked up somewhere. I've never been given a diagnosis of anything, other than my GP vaguely referring to "depression" when I asked him for a note for my exam board last year. So what do I say? I air-quote "depression", because it's the best I've got, but I don't like using that word because, as I say, a lot of the time I think that there's nothing wrong. Sometimes I even think that "depression" isn't a real thing. I don't know. My head hurts when I think about this stuff too much, so I try not to. Which makes it all the more difficult to actually talk to someone else about it.
He was very nice about it. He didn't understand, of course, but I didn't expect him to. But he was nice. He told me that he was my friend and that he wanted to support me however he could and whatnot and that I had plenty of people around me who loved me and that I didn't need to feel guilty for that or for this or for anything...all the usual waffle.
It was strange.
On a sort of linked note, I've noticed that I've started not saying what I think more and more. Not even just about crazy-stuff, but about anything. I seem to have largely stopped expressing my opinion about stuff. People will talk to me about things, and I'll listen, and I'll think about what they're saying, and I'll think some more...and there it stops. I keep it to myself. Maybe that doesn't sound so strange, but I'm finding it strange. It's not all the time, but at the moment, mostly I just don't have the desire to share what I think with people. It's almost like I just don't expect them to understand my point, so I don't bother. I just think instead.
Today, I have to do the last tenth of my drama coursework. Then I get to see my cousin's baby, yay! Oh he's the cutest thing ever and I haven't seen him since Christmas. He's a year and a month now and I bet he's doing so much since I last saw him. I can't wait to give him a cuddle.