closure and selfishness...
its tricky dealing with closure from a long term relationship and such. people have different methods of doing it. some people just get robotic and plan for the future and keep their eyes focused there until they reach some sorta new level where they feel they are better off than they were. some people concentrate on the past and finding all the faults in the relationship to help themselves understand why it is a good thing it ended until they believe the whole relationship was screwed up and they are better off than they were. then there are those jackasses, like myself, who just live in the now and go day by day not worrying too much about the past or the future and just wait for things to be better off than they were. while a combination of the three is probably the healthiest i feel most people stick with one method and touch on the others here and there to help them cope. the whole thing definitely aint easy.
so with my current poor choice of methods, the day by day method, im lookin and feelin pretty darn selfish to the point its not just about me, its only about my base emotions without thought. cause you can be selfish and think but im just allowing myself to rollercoaster it, which i think i need to switch up now. without thinking you cant fix things from the past, or work on things for the future. you just kinda end up staying really busy and gettin fucked up, and latchin out for love, friendship, and approval wherever you can find it. i would say to start off this way before actually getting into the thinking of the other two methods isnt that bad, to have a really selfish period, cept that in can cause you to do things you regret and fuck up parts of your life. so yeah, it is time for me to try to take a look at the other two options some and keeping a healthy bit of the day to day selfishness that most people should after their lives change drastically.
so, i basically need to quit drinkin and such as it messes up my memory and makes me make bad decisions. bad decisions hurt the past and future and i need my memory for the CISSP test I am taking hopefully before the 4th of july. its a 6 hour test and ill need all the brain power i can muster. i need to look at stuff in my past and try to analyze where the failures in the relationship and with myself were, and i need to keep my eye on the future so that i can keep up with my life and not get myself into trouble. i understand this is what i should be doing, but my day to day selfishness id thing likes to take over. heh. but now that im pressed for time at the test, screwing up old relationships and being selfish with new ones, i think my brain will take over if i keep it away from sweet sweet booze. heh.
its just tricky to go out and meet people and friends when most of what they do is drink. but oh well, thats what volleyball at the Y is for and even the cruiser ride i dont have to drink at all either. its when you are sittin across from someone who is drinkin and they feel weird cause you arent, but ya know thats where i could apply my selfishness. i basically need to read 40pages a night to finish this 1200pg book for the CISSP and finish watchin the 16hrs worth of videos. then i can start the practice tests and go to the seminar/boot camp, get it re-ingrained, keep up the practicin, and go nail that beast before the 4th of july. which would rule cause i could make and excuse to party balls on that date.
guess this kinda started with my friend having a seizure again and actually making an effort to not drink and see if that helps. so hangin out with him and not drinkin is good. also the last few times i went out i really didnt feel like drinkin. the night i did get messed up was cause random folks bought me shots then after being drunkish i felt like drinkin. heh. funny how that works. anyhow, i need to work on my closure and keepin my goals aligned and my health up to hopefully get over the breakup funk and such.
so yeah...time for some food.
so with my current poor choice of methods, the day by day method, im lookin and feelin pretty darn selfish to the point its not just about me, its only about my base emotions without thought. cause you can be selfish and think but im just allowing myself to rollercoaster it, which i think i need to switch up now. without thinking you cant fix things from the past, or work on things for the future. you just kinda end up staying really busy and gettin fucked up, and latchin out for love, friendship, and approval wherever you can find it. i would say to start off this way before actually getting into the thinking of the other two methods isnt that bad, to have a really selfish period, cept that in can cause you to do things you regret and fuck up parts of your life. so yeah, it is time for me to try to take a look at the other two options some and keeping a healthy bit of the day to day selfishness that most people should after their lives change drastically.
so, i basically need to quit drinkin and such as it messes up my memory and makes me make bad decisions. bad decisions hurt the past and future and i need my memory for the CISSP test I am taking hopefully before the 4th of july. its a 6 hour test and ill need all the brain power i can muster. i need to look at stuff in my past and try to analyze where the failures in the relationship and with myself were, and i need to keep my eye on the future so that i can keep up with my life and not get myself into trouble. i understand this is what i should be doing, but my day to day selfishness id thing likes to take over. heh. but now that im pressed for time at the test, screwing up old relationships and being selfish with new ones, i think my brain will take over if i keep it away from sweet sweet booze. heh.
its just tricky to go out and meet people and friends when most of what they do is drink. but oh well, thats what volleyball at the Y is for and even the cruiser ride i dont have to drink at all either. its when you are sittin across from someone who is drinkin and they feel weird cause you arent, but ya know thats where i could apply my selfishness. i basically need to read 40pages a night to finish this 1200pg book for the CISSP and finish watchin the 16hrs worth of videos. then i can start the practice tests and go to the seminar/boot camp, get it re-ingrained, keep up the practicin, and go nail that beast before the 4th of july. which would rule cause i could make and excuse to party balls on that date.
guess this kinda started with my friend having a seizure again and actually making an effort to not drink and see if that helps. so hangin out with him and not drinkin is good. also the last few times i went out i really didnt feel like drinkin. the night i did get messed up was cause random folks bought me shots then after being drunkish i felt like drinkin. heh. funny how that works. anyhow, i need to work on my closure and keepin my goals aligned and my health up to hopefully get over the breakup funk and such.
so yeah...time for some food.