(no subject)
Whatever happened to bros before hos? Well, it appears to not matter once the ho is pregnant. He sided with her. He sided with her and called me insane, and he didn't even seem to care when she called me a mudblood. "Why would her mother attack a muggleborn like you?" I don't know Ernie, but did you not hear her call me a mudblood?!? I wonder where she picked up that language. Perhaps from her mother? But no, her pureblooded mother who you don't even like couldn't possibly be a Death Eater. What a proposterous thought. I'm sure she was only playing dress-up, and expected to stay for tea and crumpets. How foolish I am for even thinking that she meant us any harm. That final curse must have been an accident.
And Millicent... I don't even want to think about her. Whether or not Ernie will acknowledge that their eyes are the same, Millicent knows. All he has to do is ask.
But after saying what he did, and after pushing me down (and further injuring my leg)... I don't know what I think about him. I'm hurt more than anything by his actions. My sister is dead, I had the realisation that her mother did it (I admit I acted irrationally), and he calls my nutters and takes her side. Does he not understand trauma? Post tramatic stress? I'm consulting books in the hopes that I won't have to visit a shrink for therapy. I'm afraid that smiling through my tears is no longer an option. I have very little to be happy about.
...which leads me to my next thought: Hannah. I don't know what's going on. I know I said something that hurt her, and I'm sure I hurt her when I stormed out of the Hospital Ward without even looking back or saying good-bye. And I haven't even been back since, or talked to her since. I just don't know what to say. I think of Hannah and I think of that night. I think of Hannah and I think of Millicent, and Ernie. I think of Hannah and I think of my own helplessness as Millicent's mum tortured and killed Emily, as I was cursed because I wasn't strong enough to fight it, that I was stupid enough to get myself in that situation to begin with. Because of my foolishness, Emily is dead and Hannah ended up in the psych ward. I know she doesn't blame me, but I can't help but blame myself. The 'if onlys' and 'what ifs' are plaguing my dreams, and no matter how much I try to reason with myself I can't but help feel wholely responsible.
And now Susan is mad at Ernie, another thing that is my fault. Disaster seems to follow me wherever I go. Chaos and confusion are everywhere. I just want this nightmare to end.
I really hate stairs. Has anyone seen my walking stick?