(no subject)
My dreams are lucid and eerie.
It’s forced. That’s probably why.
The most vivid entailed “the love of my life,” played by Brandon Boyd. We were all at a party, and my entire time was spent wondering, “what do I say to him?” I’ve rehearsed this day for so long, and yet the cat has my tongue. Hella. It’s as if we’ve known each other forever, though. We just are. We’re not dating, but he knows me from somewhere. In the dream, I begin to cry…frustration, maybe? I cry because I’m so in love with him, yet I don’t know any detail of his life. I cry because he’s right there, yet so entirely out of my grasp. Then, I discover him upstairs, dressed in drag, putting on lipstick. I believe his male lover was leaving as I entered.
My worst nightmare.
The love of my life is gay.
It’s not the first time this has happened.
This man represents everything I want. He represents my ideal. And in my dream, he can give me nothing because he wants no part of me. The saddest part is that I truly believe this. I truly believe that it will never come to me. I understand now how desperate I am for a sign or some conviction of my faith in love. I believe all aspects desired to be unobtainable. I truly do. It is hopelessly depressing. I almost cried at work today, just because it’s so true…I’ve never been so in touch with such a disturbing emotion.
Then, during a different dream, I was with Noelle, and it was dark and we were in this huge room. She was sad about something, so I invited her to sleep in my bed. It was nice being next to someone again. Even if only in my dreams.
It’s forced. That’s probably why.
The most vivid entailed “the love of my life,” played by Brandon Boyd. We were all at a party, and my entire time was spent wondering, “what do I say to him?” I’ve rehearsed this day for so long, and yet the cat has my tongue. Hella. It’s as if we’ve known each other forever, though. We just are. We’re not dating, but he knows me from somewhere. In the dream, I begin to cry…frustration, maybe? I cry because I’m so in love with him, yet I don’t know any detail of his life. I cry because he’s right there, yet so entirely out of my grasp. Then, I discover him upstairs, dressed in drag, putting on lipstick. I believe his male lover was leaving as I entered.
My worst nightmare.
The love of my life is gay.
It’s not the first time this has happened.
This man represents everything I want. He represents my ideal. And in my dream, he can give me nothing because he wants no part of me. The saddest part is that I truly believe this. I truly believe that it will never come to me. I understand now how desperate I am for a sign or some conviction of my faith in love. I believe all aspects desired to be unobtainable. I truly do. It is hopelessly depressing. I almost cried at work today, just because it’s so true…I’ve never been so in touch with such a disturbing emotion.
Then, during a different dream, I was with Noelle, and it was dark and we were in this huge room. She was sad about something, so I invited her to sleep in my bed. It was nice being next to someone again. Even if only in my dreams.