(no subject)
Yes, I'm fully aware it's past 2:00 in the morning, and I'm writing this instead of STARTING my homework or getting some sleep.
I've never cried this much in like forever.
My family is in like a constant state of feud, so much so that I absolutely can't take it. Like I just can't STAND it, I'm going insane. I want everyone to get along, I wish it so much, but I can't make miracles, and the more I try, the more I tear myself apart. Period.
So I lock myself in my room when I get home from school. It's AWEFULLY lonely. I mean I just sit there and think about how much I can't stand the fighting because I have nothing to keep my mind busy. Nothing. I have fucking nothing.
School is no better. I keep isolating myself because I have such aweful feelings built up inside me and I can't supress them. But isolating myself makes it just that much worse. I'm lonely again, and thoughts of my failures and inability to fix anything flood my head like a tidal wave. I can't stop the tears, and I do try. Once it starts though, there's no stopping it.
I've been trying so hard to run away. If I can keep myself busy all day, I don't think about it and it goes away.
Yea right, it never goes away.
I'm damn pissed about this election.
Proposal 2 actually passed. Wow, I didn't realize Americans could be that damn stupid. Oh wait, yes I did. I realized that when some christian put something in with my halloween candy trying to fing convert everyone.
So this is what America comes down to. A bunch of Christians who can't see past their religion, who think EVERYONE should be Christian, and are now imposing those beliefs on nonchristians through the law. Ok, so I'm agnostic/athiest. Well, I think that I can never know if god exists, but regardless, I know I shouldn't be wasting my time on earth praying to him, because it's so damn limited. Those are my views, and everyone who wants to convert me, suck it. Just suck it. I'm sick of seeing "In god we trust" on all of our coins.
And I'm really sick of people hating me because of my beliefs.
And my belief that Gays are people too, and thus should have the same damn rights as everyone else. I mean what does it hurt the christians? What should it matter to them if they think the Gays will burn in hell? So what, I'll burn in hell too. But nobody is gonna stop me from believing what I want to believe.
Except myself.
I'm desperate, I really am. My grades are dropping, significantly. And no wonder, this hasn't been the only night I've gotten home and cried for hours on end and done absolutely 0 homework. And yet I don't give a fuck about my grades anymore. Only that at one point I wanted to get into college. I wanted to go to California to be as far away from here as I physically could.
I'm so unhealthy too. Since I've been so depressed recently, and as Beety once told me, "Food is the only comfort I have." So I eat, and I don't give a damn if my cholesterol is so fucking high the docter told me I'm gonna die when I'm 21.
Then I'll burn in hell like the Christians want me to.
I don't even know what I need anymore, just ..... something. I need someone. Someone to look out for me, cheer me up when i'm down, occupy my time so I don't think about home.
But alas those are just wishes.
Don't wish, Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I've never cried this much in like forever.
My family is in like a constant state of feud, so much so that I absolutely can't take it. Like I just can't STAND it, I'm going insane. I want everyone to get along, I wish it so much, but I can't make miracles, and the more I try, the more I tear myself apart. Period.
So I lock myself in my room when I get home from school. It's AWEFULLY lonely. I mean I just sit there and think about how much I can't stand the fighting because I have nothing to keep my mind busy. Nothing. I have fucking nothing.
School is no better. I keep isolating myself because I have such aweful feelings built up inside me and I can't supress them. But isolating myself makes it just that much worse. I'm lonely again, and thoughts of my failures and inability to fix anything flood my head like a tidal wave. I can't stop the tears, and I do try. Once it starts though, there's no stopping it.
I've been trying so hard to run away. If I can keep myself busy all day, I don't think about it and it goes away.
Yea right, it never goes away.
I'm damn pissed about this election.
Proposal 2 actually passed. Wow, I didn't realize Americans could be that damn stupid. Oh wait, yes I did. I realized that when some christian put something in with my halloween candy trying to fing convert everyone.
So this is what America comes down to. A bunch of Christians who can't see past their religion, who think EVERYONE should be Christian, and are now imposing those beliefs on nonchristians through the law. Ok, so I'm agnostic/athiest. Well, I think that I can never know if god exists, but regardless, I know I shouldn't be wasting my time on earth praying to him, because it's so damn limited. Those are my views, and everyone who wants to convert me, suck it. Just suck it. I'm sick of seeing "In god we trust" on all of our coins.
And I'm really sick of people hating me because of my beliefs.
And my belief that Gays are people too, and thus should have the same damn rights as everyone else. I mean what does it hurt the christians? What should it matter to them if they think the Gays will burn in hell? So what, I'll burn in hell too. But nobody is gonna stop me from believing what I want to believe.
Except myself.
I'm desperate, I really am. My grades are dropping, significantly. And no wonder, this hasn't been the only night I've gotten home and cried for hours on end and done absolutely 0 homework. And yet I don't give a fuck about my grades anymore. Only that at one point I wanted to get into college. I wanted to go to California to be as far away from here as I physically could.
I'm so unhealthy too. Since I've been so depressed recently, and as Beety once told me, "Food is the only comfort I have." So I eat, and I don't give a damn if my cholesterol is so fucking high the docter told me I'm gonna die when I'm 21.
Then I'll burn in hell like the Christians want me to.
I don't even know what I need anymore, just ..... something. I need someone. Someone to look out for me, cheer me up when i'm down, occupy my time so I don't think about home.
But alas those are just wishes.
Don't wish, Don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart